help with shopping bags

[MrsDeathOfRats]

It hasn't caused a row or anything but I'm a bit annoyed.

We live in a high rise block of flats. On the 8th floor.
Yesterday I went shopping at Tesco and I was 2 mins from home when I called DP to see if he was home yet as if he was it would have been nice to have some help with the bags. I had dd (3) and DS (14m) and 3 big heavy bags of shopping.
All with fridge/freezer stuff in so none could be left in the car and retrieved later.
He was home but he said he wouldn't come and help as he was 'just about to lay down for a bit' (he does this every single day when he gets in from work)
I then had to manage both kids and all the shopping up on my own.

Now, he starts work at 4.30 so he is tired when he gets in.
If he hadn't been in then he wouldn't have been able to help and I would have had to manage anyway.
But the fact that he was and refused to come down to help and delay his nap by literally 5 minutes has pissed me off.

I'd be pissed off too. Hope you dumped the children in on him while you unpacked! Sounds like a selfish knob

He needs to get his priorities right. Delaying the nap by 5 mins wouldn't have hurt him. YANBU

I would be annoyed.

I would however also look at home delivery if possible to help you in the future. Some company's you will have to meet lower down as only cover 2 floors, but most will deliver right to your door ( ocado brings ours up 5 floors)

Should have mentioned we have a lift. So it's not like I had to walk up all the stairs ( sorry for drip feed)
I usually do do home delivery or manage to shop when dd is at nursery but this week it simply didn't work out and I ended up doing a far bigger shop in store then I had expected.

Bloody hell Op, that's disgusting! I cannot imagine how he could ever think that's OK - to leave his wife and children struggling with heavy bags because he can't be arsed to meet you downstairs nor delay his nap (how old is he? 5? I used to get up at 4.15am and I didn't have a nap when I got home at 7pm). What an absolute twat. People who love you want to help you and make your life easier. If this were my DH I would think that he really didn't care about me much at all . Does he have any good points because he clearly isn't a very good husband or father?

You're right to be annoyed. In fact I think I would have made one trip up to the flat to place the toddlers on his lazy body then gone back down for the shopping.

Ahem nap every day? Wtf?

He needs to go to bed earlier and engage with HIS FAMILY!

Selfish dick!!

Yanbu, very selfish of him to not spare 5 mins!

I was going to say YANBU until I read you have a lift.still would have been nice if he came down to help.but waking up that early to go to work every day is really hard,I speak from experience....so he could have come to help,but on the other hand is not such a big deal that you are in a flat if you have a lift.

The struggle is getting both kids out of the car, across the car park/road area. One doesn't walk very well. 3 big heavy bags, through a security door and into said lift. Then making sure they don't press the alarm button (only button DS can reach!) then once were at our floor, bags and kids out of lift and not off up or down stairs to next floors and all of us plus shopping through the front door!
As its a flat we need to do this quietly as daddy is asleep. Bedroom is nearest room to front door.

I jut know, that if it was me, no matter not time I had gotten up, if I had t actually fallen asleep and my oh asked for help I would 100% give it. Not say no.
I'm not going to say anything as no point creating a fight after the fact but just woke up this morning and it still bugged me

In future as well, couldn't Dh get food on the way home from work? Then it's just him and he wouldn't have children with him. Would only be a quick detour if you usually order online so just getting a few bags worth

Have you also got a sling for youngest? We used a soft structured sling on our back at that age. Like boba 4g. Means you could put 14 month in straight from car. So you only have 3 year old who is more likely to be able to walk next to you and listen. The sling is very handy for things like this, travel at airports, trains, etc up until 3 ish years

What an arse hole. YANBU

Yanbu at all! What a lazy bastard! If he's tired he needs to go to bed earlier. He could see the children, have dinner then help put them to bed etc then go to bed when they do.

Does a discussion have to end in an argument?

I felt very let down when you didnt come and help me with the kids and the shopping yesterday. I feel as if you dont appreciate how difficult it is to manage shopping and cildren, and some help for 5 minutes would have made the world of difference to me.

"we need to do this quietly as daddy is asleep. "

Also unreasonable. I've also worked shifts/antisocial hours you can't expect whole household to tiptoe round you! Especially a toddler and a baby!

"we need to do this quietly as daddy is asleep"

Not unreasonable at all, I think it is probably very good for the children to be learning consideration for others, and to be quiet when asked.

Was he winding down, so he could relax enough to sleep and helping carry the would have woken him up completely?

I've had really early starts and done nights, I coped as your DH does, by having naps.

It isn't "lazy" to have naps, you have to go with how your body clock works.

As for keeping the noise down, there's no harm in that when someone is sleeping because of their working hours (or illness).

I don't think it's lazy. He does have form for this 'lying down'. We have fought in the past because he will try to not do things ( go out or whatever) as he thinks we should 'rest' pretty much all the time. It does grate as I'm a proactive get up and go type and he is the opposite!

The noise thing wasn't me saying that was unreasonable but in a small flat trying to keep 2 young children quiet is hard work. Especially when they are both off in different directions and I've got bags etc... That is hard work and stressful! They knew he was home aswell so the 3 yr old was excited.

He is shit at going to bed. He just finds random things to do. Almost feels like he is putting off going to bed, in a martyr type way... But then again, I couldn't go at the same time as the kids. I need that head space after their bedtime to wind down so I get that.

I just thought 'really? 5 mins that would have taken. 5 whole minutes!'. Just wondered if I was being silly or not.
Seems the general consensus is not!

I would have kept my finger on the doorbell until he helped.

I would be very annoyed it would have taken less than 2m to come down in the lift take bags or children and walk you to the lift. If a neighbour had asked him and he said sorry can't spare 2min I need a nap they would think all sorts.

Different if he had to leave the house or on a tight tight line but delaying a nap by 5min isn't going kill anyone

You know he goes for a nap at that time every day? Yet you called him anyway. He was probably pissed off that you would have woken him up.

But yes, he should have come and helped.

No, he doesn't always get home at the same time each day.
I called to see if he was home, near to home or how far so I could decide what to do. If he had been 10 mins away we would have played in/by the car and waited for his help. If he had been more I would have struggled alone anyway.
But it is the fact he was there, and choose not to help that rubs. I felt less important then his nap.

If he is already napping he puts his phone on flight mode or do not disturb.