who is being unreasonable here?

[booksrock]

I will start to say this is light hearted

DH committed to being in a play, he was told it would be mainly Tuesday rehearsals with a few extra towards to performance time. This has turned into two or three rehearsals a week, in the evening.

My work has increased its demands with trips away and long meetings as well as a weeks training course. This means he has had to miss a couple of rehearsals as we don't have childcare.

He says that the play company is annoyed that he has to keep missing rehearsals but I did warn him about work and the nights I am away are on the extra rehearsal nights, not the core ones. Who should be at home and who should be doing their activity (rehearsal/ work)? I don't get paid to work extra but I am hoping for a promotion at some point.

Without a doubt work comes first. Do you really need to ask?

I'm with annie. Of course work comes first.

YA both BU. For not talking about it.

I would say your training course should take priority. Unpaid meetings and overnights should not. When asked by youyr employer simply say "sorry, I am unavailable then".

Long term, you will get fuck all thanks or advantage for being the company doormat.

It's unpaid, ergo a choice. Of course that should not automatically take precedent.

Unpaid meetings and overnights should not

Sorry didn't realise you were staying late unpaid for meetings. In that case you probably do need to reach a compromise with DH.

Also agree from experience that working late doesn't always get one the promotion or prevent one being made redundant, not that i'm bitter.

If the work stuff is unpaid, you need to reach a compromise. Your DH committed to this play and rehearsals don't always run to schedule. If there's two extra rehearsals a week (for example) I think he needs to attend at least one.

Rehearsals can easily fall apart if people keep missing them. I don't think it's fair that voluntary unpaid meetings always take priority here.

A compromise is needed.

Dh need to tell the company that while he is committed they are rehearsing more than agreed and he can't do them all.

Honestly working extra unpaid doesn't always mean a promotion.

I actually climbed the ladder higher by only doing it occasionally and making clear it was a bit of an inconvenience but I would put myself out

Whoever it is that says that you can't have your child(ren) looked after by someone else for an evening is the one being unreasonable.

The play company should not be annoyed at him if he cannot ALWAYS make extra nights that were not originally scheduled.

Your work should not be annoyed if you cannot ALWAYS do unpaid extra time.

Thank you for all your replies

It's not the fact that we can't have someone to look after our children, it's that I can't find anyone who can do it :-).

I can see both sides of the argument and having done plays myself understand the commitment DH has made, but this is always a busy time of year workwise for me. Some of the time away involves travel so it's not always a case of saying no all the time.

get a babysitter

If you're at the level where you're going on work trips then a lot of your work will be "unpaid" as in your won't be in the type of work that you can claim overtime for. That's usually the nature of the job and pretty standard. You can't pick and choose not to attend these meetings or trips, perhaps the odd one but not all. Work takes priority especially as you want a promotion. What you're working towards is for the benefit of the whole family whereas what your DH is prioritising is for his benefit only.

Jobs I've done in the past perhaps a quarter of hours were unpaid. You do it to get on and hope for a bonus each year to reflect the above and beyond you've done. Perhaps not right but in many industries that's the way it is.

Can you not do something at least about the long meetings? If you say in advance that you will have to leave at, say, 5.30 or 6 and therefore the meeting needs to run to time, I suspect the reality is that most of the attendees would be absolutely delighted.

Okay, you can't turn down all of it, but you really need to compromise if you're not getting paid for it.

Long meetings aren't compulsory so you need to start saying no. Not all the time, but it's not fair that your DH has to give up his commitments for unpaid work meetings, imo.

Can't you use an agency or find a teenager to sit with your kids for a few hours? Assuming you don't have a tiny baby or a child with SN, of course.

I think even at a senior level there is a way of asserting yourself if you don't / can't stay late for meetings. As Gruntled said I bet most attendees would be delighted if you made sure the meeting finished on time. If you want to stay late as you enjoy it and want to finish something at the meeting for your own job satisfaction that's also totally understandable and I would now do that too if I had a job, but I would do so in the knowledge that is my choice and not likely to have a direct impact on my job security not that I'm bitter or chances of promotion. If it's not in the contract that extra hours will equate to a larger bonus there is no guarantee of that either.

You are committed to work. He committed to rhs every Tuesday. Work is work. Extras come after.