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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be grateful to the school ?

42 replies

HighwayDragon1 · 16/11/2015 17:28

I'm friends with a mum on FB who has had a rant about the school her kid goes to (local secondary comp) because her kids shoes broke at school and because they're on FSM the head of year went to the uniform shop and bought them new ones. The mum is now saying that she's not a charity case and should have been told/given the opportunity to buy some herself.

Now if someone bought my kid new school shoes because they'd broken them I'd be really bloody grateful!

OP posts:
sugar21 · 16/11/2015 17:30

Bump

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 16/11/2015 17:31

Me too!

CrohnicallyAspie · 16/11/2015 17:31

She could always buy her own shoes and donate the others back to the school as 'spares' in case some other child's shoes break?

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 16/11/2015 17:32

I'd be grateful and offer them the money
It was an act of kindness surely , or were they very expensive ?

PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2015 17:33

People do get really funny about this sort of thing. It wouldn't have hurt the school to have asked her, or told a white lie and say they'd have replaced any broken shoes regardless of whether the child was on free school meals or not. It is an overreaction on her part which might have been avoided if the school had checked with her first. I don't think they were in the wrong but they could have used some better diplomatic skills.

FrancesOldhamKelsey · 16/11/2015 17:34

The obvious answer would be to pay them back - but is the problem that instead of buying a 15 quid pair from Asda, which the mum can afford, she's now got a moral debt for 50 quid's worth of official uniform shop shoes?

SuburbanRhonda · 16/11/2015 17:34

Well I'm sure that teacher won't bother to be so kind again.

Unless it was announced in a whole-school assembly, I think the parent needs to get over herself.

Original poster
HighwayDragon1 · 16/11/2015 17:35

I think they're just £30 school shoes, I know the school have an account with the shop and buy uniform for "in need" kids. I'll suggest donating them back.

She's seems mortally offended that they've assumed she needs help buying them

OP posts:
sugar21 · 16/11/2015 17:37

Did the dd have other shoes at home?

JumpandScore · 16/11/2015 17:37

I suspect someone has noticed that the shoes have needed replacing for sometime, or that the child is generally in need. I can't see a school doing this for a child who is generally well provided for

JumpandScore · 16/11/2015 17:38

I.e. She knows she hasn't been providing properly and is feeling defensive

Brocklady · 16/11/2015 17:40

Or she just feels defensive. Sometimes, it's harder to take than to give.

AuntieStella · 16/11/2015 17:41

It probably would have been private, if she hadn't published it herself.

It's clearly hit a very sore spot for her. I can see why someone would want to be asked, rather than being presented with a fait accompli. She might be very glad that she does not have to pay for shoes, but still be hurt and angry that assumptions were being made. The feeling that you have no choice can be a remarkable stressor.

I hope the school does keep discreetly providing items, but that it does at least consider talking to parents in future rather than just acting.

BrianButterfield · 16/11/2015 17:43

FSM pupils will be in receipt of pupil premium, which is where the money for the shoes will come from. The HoY has just thought, hey, this problem's easy to solve! and sorted it the quickest way possible, rather than feeling sorry for the student, I would imagine.

Floggingmolly · 16/11/2015 17:43

Yes, I'm inclined to agree with Jump. How did they break, exactly? Sounds like they've been on their last legs for a while before finally disintegrating completely, and the Mum has had ample time to replace them herself had she a mind to.

CrohnicallyAspie · 16/11/2015 17:44

I've never heard of schools directly buying things for children, maybe this is the reason why!

However, I have known schools to 'lend' items out (and either not bother asking for them back or saying it's a spare, you can keep it if you like) or for schools to provide things for the child to use in school time but not to take home (wouldn't work with shoes, thinking more like stationery).

CrohnicallyAspie · 16/11/2015 17:45

So I mean instead of saying 'we bought these shoes for you because you're in receipt of FSM' you say 'oh no, your shoe broke. Borrow these ones until your mum has chance to buy some new ones'

R0nJ0n · 16/11/2015 17:46

I can see where she's coming from, she probably feels patronised and that others think she can't provide for her child. If charity wasn't sought or asked for I don't think the recipient should be forced to be grateful, although I'm sure the head of year meant well.

The whole attitude that the poor should be thankful of gifts regardless smacks a bit of rich Victorian ladies playing lady bountiful to me.

GruntledOne · 16/11/2015 17:57

Surely all she needs to do is give the school the £30?

ItchyArmpits · 16/11/2015 18:05

Her pride is hurt.

I'm guessing she would rather have had the opportunity to buy the shoes herself, even if they were cheaper ones - that way she wouldn't feel like she owed anyone anything. (Not that ranting about it on FB will help)

Lots of people feel awkward about being on FSM. Perhaps not surprising given the amount of benefits-bashing that happens.

I know of a similar situation (happened a few years ago) where a teacher provided a student with a pair of shoes to replace the ones that she had outgrown (as in, her feet were hanging off the back of the shoes). The mother brought the shoes into school, saying the family did not need charity. Sad all round.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/11/2015 18:08

I can see why she'd find it patronising. My DM didn't claim for FSM for my brother and me even though we qualified because she took pride in providing as much as she could. She would have been mortified if the school had just assumed we couldn't afford something and bought it for us. It would have been an attack on how she provided for us.

Unreasonablebetty · 16/11/2015 18:16

As a child I had fsms throughout most of my school life, I also had uniform that often had holes or didn't fit.
I often didn't have school shoes, if one of the teachers bought me s pair of shoes instead of keep asking me why I was wearing inappropriate shoes. I would have been so thankful.
It was embarrassing having shoes that were broken or always being asked why I had shoes on that weren't for school.

I think this case is more about the child's need than the parents pride...

NellysKnickers · 16/11/2015 18:20

I understand that her pride may be a bit dented but personally I think it's a lovely thing for the school to do. We constantly struggle with money and I would not be offended by this at all.

mumofthemonsters808 · 16/11/2015 18:34

I take my hat off to the school, if I were rich or poor I'd at least be grateful. Sometimes schools can't do right for doing wrong.

SaucyJack · 16/11/2015 18:43

I don't like the way you've titled your thread tbh.

She's entitled to feel however she feels about whatever she likes even if she is poor Hmm

Gratitude isn't an obligation.