To not want to go home

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

I'm really getting to the end of the line with my two dd's aged 8 and 6. They are so well behaved when they're apart but when they're together, and they usually are. Life is hell. They fight, scream, cry, wail, kick doors and throw things at each other. They cannot play nicely for more than a minute before it turns into this. If they're not fighting they join up and be disrespectful to me or any other adult in charge, like when someone is on the phone they will both make as much noise as possible so they can't speak and then giggle with each other feeling really happy with themselves. They never do as they're told. I feel like I'm going to crack up. It's got the the point where, and I know how terrible it sounds, I don't want to come home. Finally asking for advice now after a horrendous morning being terrorised by them and breaking up several fights. They were such good kids till about a year ago....

Separate them every time? Do they have their own bedroom?

They do but they won't stay there.

Then take them back everything they move out of their room. They'll wail, scream etc but will still learn.

Everytime

Put in the hard work now and reap the rewards later. Loss of a game/wifi/treat. Stick to it, so they know x behaviour results in Y treatment. They then chose the behaviour knowing they lose X. Every child has a price.

I've tried the loss of privilege thing many times and stuck to it as bad as that made me feel. They seem to think misbehaving is much more fun than whatever privilege they stand to lose. Even when they've lost it they just laugh at me.
I will try the return to room idea. Reminds me of the supernanny bedtime routine I used many years ago. But I think it'll just become a game of how to annoy mum. I thought of behaviour charts. Like the ones that they move up and down they ladder so they'll be in competition to get to the top first but I can't find any of these.

Sell their toys?

What happened a year ago? What is the trigger?

What are the privileges OP? On the theme of the behaviour chart. A jar each with chunky pasta pieces for good behaviour can be v effective. A certain number won earns screen time or a play date for example. Bad behaviour means pieces removed from the jar...

I know how cheesy this sounds but it can work at least for some of the time-you could call a family meeting and explain just how unhappy their behaviour is making you, them and everybody. Important that you do this when you are in a calm state yourself-maybe in a cafe or something-then set some simple rules and rewards-no fighting, no shouting, no disturbing Mummy on the phone (get them to parrot it back to you)-then it's treat time at McD's or whatever Saturday morning.
unless the kids have a serious problem like ADHD or ASD (serious professional advice for these) this can ease things for at least some of the time.
the cheesy supernanny stuff can be a big help.
completely agree with the other posters re separating them, removing toys etc.
and take really good care of yourself-this is horrible for you. (Where is he exactly? you could do with some help)

yep - put the boot in now.
have consequences for any horse-shit behaviour.
you're the boss, so set some rules. if they don't stick to them, then they lose privileges.

How about a chart for good behaviour, using star stickers? You could ignore, if possible, the bad behaviour and only focus on the good - giving lots of praise when a star is achieved and talking about how close to a reward they are etc. It seems perhaps like they are doing it to get a rise out of you or to that they enjoy the attention for negative behaviour. I have found this works with very challenging classes that I have taught in the past (but admittedly have no experience as a parent).

Their privileges tend to be playing out with neighbours, tv, tablets, film nights and having friends round.
I've explained to them that they're making me miserable but it's just in one ear out the other. He's here but is soft on them. He goes against me sometimes which dd's take great pleasure in and then play up even more because of it and insult me.
I've tried the positive reinforcement thing, it just made them think they could get away with murder. I don't know where I've gone wrong. At present they're in the kitchen not eating screaming like they're being murdered bullying each other, one of them crying their eyes out for no reason whatsoever and flicking food at each other. This has been going on for about an hour.

How do they disrespect/insult you op?

I would separate them as much as possible. So right now, move one of them and their plate into a different room. Do you have more than one TV? They watch it in separate rooms. Each parent spend time with them separately. Sleep separately. They might respond to individual attention, and you could also talk to them individually about their behaviour.

Perhaps you ought to leave for a night. Just pack and bag and go, when you know he is at home. Don't answer your phone, don't tell them where you are going. Harsh, but it might well work. Tell them how disappointed you are in their behaviour, how ashamed of them you are and that you don't want to talk to them. Put their food down; if they won't eat, remove it and let them be hungry. Your DH has to back you up on this. Leaving for a night might well open his eyes, too. Frankly - and I know I'll get flamed for it - a good wallop, well timed and placed, wouldn't go astray either.

I feel for you, but if you don't stop this behaviour now, in 10 years you're going to have a couple of hooligans on your hands, and disrespect might well become other forms of abuse.

Oh Op. I have been exactly where you are, minus the unsupportive DH but they behaved far better when he was here, it was when they were alone with me that they'd play up.

My accidental solution was I lost my shit with them one day. I felt bad immediately afterwards but it worked. I don't think they had realised how miserable they were making me and I'd become so fed up of swallowing it down and trying to remain calm that it all burst out one day.

They still bicker now at 13 and 15 but nowhere near as much. I'm not going to suggest you let it get that far but I agree with a pp, if you've tried all the talking, rewards, punishments etc then maybe a short sharp shock is what's needed, like taking a night off, and telling them why. I wouldn't smack them though, because it's not something I agree with.

That sounds like a plan littlecandle everyday is a battle. Eldest is still eating, crying. DH has come home and she's now had 3 cuddles.

It's hard isn't it. You must be firm and fair and most of all consistent, good luck, remember you are the adult. X