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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Santa Secret

26 replies

PurplePoppy17 · 13/11/2015 08:12

Posting in AIBU to get lots of different reply's.
Just out of interest, how old were your children when, you told them about Santa? They found out about Santa? Or they asked about Santa? Also, if you told them, how did you break it to them? Or how did they find out otherwise?
My DN is 12 but a very immature 12 and at big school now and I think it's time to tell her but SIL disagrees. My reasons are that if she found out by her mum it would be less embarrassing than finding out in a group of friends or in the class where they 'could' just laugh at her. A lot of her friends are more mature than her and may possibly already know. She is very sensitive.

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 13/11/2015 08:14

Yes if she is in secondary school she could get teased badly. Tell her

Enkopkaffetak · 13/11/2015 08:20

Mine were about 9 when they knew for sure.

I would tell her at that age.

I used the explanation my dad gave me for them.

Father Christmas as a man coming down the chimney giving all the presents isnt real.

However what he stands for

being loving giving and kind to one another to create a special time with people we care about IS real.. That is something inside of you that you can help to give to others.

Due to that explanation I have never had any issues with what people who clains that it is a "lie" as I don't think it is..

BifsWif · 13/11/2015 08:21

I agree that she should be told.

She is at risk of being embarrassed or teased by her classmates otherwise.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 13/11/2015 08:26

I found out at 4 when my mum tripped over my bed carrying my stocking. It hasn't scarred me for life although i too was a very sensitive child!

She should be told i think - she could get quite badly teased.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 08:26

Every immature 12 years old knows hes not real. They play along just in case. It doesnt need to be spelt out.
Leave her alone and let her mom parent as she choses

Lonecatwithkitten · 13/11/2015 08:28

My 11 year knows, but won't say anything in case her stocking stops. This year we are playing an elaborate dance where she sees something and says is that the kind of thing Father Christmas would put in my stocking and I say maybe. I love it.

surpriseitsme · 13/11/2015 08:38

I asked my dd8 a little while ago. She said she believed, she very obviously didn't but was wary of admitting it!

Grilledaubergines · 13/11/2015 08:43

At 12, she knows. She's playing along with it in case the presents stop!

Personally I would never open the conversation up to tell a child. If they want to ask the truth, fair enough but I think it's unkind to spring it on a child if they hadn't queried it.

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 08:55

I would bet she knows. She is just playing along incase the presents stop.

I did the same with the tooth fairy.

We never had the conversation with dd, when she asked when she was very young and we told her it didn't matter whether he was real or not. She know he isn't real now (11 and in year 7). Last years she asked if she could help get da presents out and set them up and his the reindeers carrots etc. She enjoyed making it a bit magical for ds. She never said that she knows he isn't real, just that she wanted to make it special for ds.

We always told her that Santa was the idea of Christmas. Kind caring, think of others etc.

Although we have always told her that we buy the presents and send them to Santa.

Ds is four and he has been told the same. It seems weird to spend so much on kids and put so much effort in and then pretend it's from a random stranger.

Stanky · 13/11/2015 10:01

I tell mine that it's just a nice story for children. I've never told them that it's literally real, but they may have heard that from elsewhere. I'm sure they'll be fine.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2015 10:05

Immature or not, at 12 years old she will know.

I knew from the age of about 9 or 10 but I kept up the pretence for as long as my parents were willing to

Agent160 · 13/11/2015 10:20

I found out for definite when I was almost 13. Before that, I had heard rumours and had my suspicions of course, but I was very sensible but had a very active imagination (still do!) and I chose to believe.

I found out when an older boy said to me "you know how I found out Santa wasn't real? It was on Coronation Street". I'm sure he didn't mean it maliciously. It was his matter-of-fact tone that made me realise for sure.

I actually think it was better learning that way than being told by my parents. By finishing out relatively late in life, I'd learned to hedge my bets when talking to peers about Father Christmas and phrased things carefully to cover myself so I wouldn't look like an idiot if it turned out he was/wasn't real.

I also forced myself not to cry or react when I found out for definite. I learnt a valuable lesson in brazening it out!!

I'm not saying that's the best approach for all children, but it definitely was for me!

Floralnomad · 13/11/2015 10:33

We bought ours up with Santa being a story / fairytale like thing so they never thought he was real , it didn't detract from the magic of Christmas ,we all love Christmas . I seriously don't understand how any 9/10/11+ yr old without some sort of SN would actually still believe ,surely by that age common sense has prevailed . I will add that my DC ,to my knowledge ,never went round telling other children that Santa was not real but this was a few years ago and it's not something that ever came up .

PatriciaHolm · 13/11/2015 10:35

I don't think ours have believed since they were tiny. We never bought into the whole thing in a big way anyway - presents are from us, and they never really enjoyed going to see Santa in shops etc so it was never a "thing".

At 12 she either knows and isn't fessing up, or needs to be told, tbh.

Joolsy · 13/11/2015 10:36

I told my DD1 at age 8½ as she suspected and literally pushed me into a corner....she was crying and saying "I need to know, mum". It was the same day she found out the truth about the tooth fairy (my fault - she caught me putting the money under the pillow). I plan to tell my DD2 a little later - but probably before secondary school

angemorange · 13/11/2015 10:48

My DS9 told me last week he was suspicious! I've talked around it and I hope he will 'hedge his bets' this year and play along, but I'd imagine this will be the last.

I'm quite sad on one level as he is an only child and our Santa years may be over, but my niece is pregnant and a nephew has a DS4 so we can have a little magic through them

SouthWestmom · 13/11/2015 10:52

I really don't understand the whole 'if you don't believe you don't get presents' stuff; it's like emotional blackmail.
Tell her - I told my dd when she asked and told her the st Nicholas story and how after he died it fell to parents to carry on the tradition of kindness and love.

dementedpixie · 13/11/2015 10:58

Dd was probably about 8/9 but ds asked leading questions from the age of about 6 - we admitted to it after last Christmas. They both know for sure this year that he is not real and they are 9 and 12.

mumeeee · 13/11/2015 11:02

Only stockings were from santa in our family big presents were from us and other relatives. DD1 was 7 but she kept up the pretence for her sisters. DD2 and 3 were 10 and 11. DD2 at first still thought that santa gave toys to the poor children who didn't have any parents. She believed that for about a year.
Anyway they are all in their 20's now and still love putting stockings up and pretending in fact DH and I have stocking too.
Right to get back to your OP I expect your DN does know but likes to carry on with the pretence.

ghostyslovesheep · 13/11/2015 11:14

My eldest two where about 8 or 9 when they finally busted me - but started asking from about age 7

My 7 year old has said a few times this year 'it's you isn't it Mummy?' but I simply say 'well if that's what you think - but if you don't believe he wont come' (mean!) and the big girls play along

I only put small things in their stocking - big gifts are from me and are under the tree

mrspremise · 13/11/2015 12:12

I never had 'the conversation', they just kinda worked it out for themselves, same as I did... They still like the rituals of the lie though, so we still go through all the sherry, mince pie, stockings stuff

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 12:28

If you dont believe he wont come, stops kids spoiling it for others. Especially where they now mix with other cultures that dont celebrate. Its not mean, its not being a spoil sport.

mumeeee · 13/11/2015 12:46

We never said if you don't believe he won't come. As I said DD1 worked it out when.she was 7 we didn't tell her he wouldn't come and she didn't spoil it for her sisters or other children. I think it's very mean to tell children that.

YakTriangle · 13/11/2015 13:58

I like that rather cheesy explanation about how the magic is real but it changes as you get older. You stop believing in the magic for yourself, but you become part of the magic for people younger than you to help give them a lovely Christmas. Twee but sweet.

needmorespace · 13/11/2015 14:37

My dtr definitely did not know at 12 or possibly even 13. She had started asking questions but she definitely didn't know. She was never teased at school or if she was it was kindly done and we have never had the 'the conversation'!!

We still play the dance around you need to send a christmas list to santa etc.
It's part of our christmas that we both love
But she definitely didn't know at 12

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