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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my son around BiL?

5 replies

startrek90 · 23/10/2015 14:17

Long story but basically my BiL is a waste of space. He is unemployed and has no desire to work and provide for his children. Does literally NOTHING around the house so my SiL does it all. Refuses to care for his son so MiL and I take care of him so SiL can work and go see the drs (she is pregnant and having a rough time). Spends family money on cigarettes, drink and weed whilst plunging them in debt so PiL and DH bail my SiL out. Just recently on my SiL birthday attacked my FiL and then invited lots of people to their home without saying anything to SiL and expecting her to drop everything so she could cater for them.

To me my BiL is abusive and treats my lovely, kind, devoted SiL like crap. He is gradually isolating her from friends and family and its hell to watch. Up until now I have tolerated BiL and helped out because I don't want to abandon my already lonely SiL but as my son gets older I really don't want him around DS.

However with the revelation of the cannabis smoking going on I realm don't want to take DS round anymore. My SiL is starting to notice we won't go to hers anymore and I feel terrible putting her in this position. I don't know what to do.... I don't want to abandon her but I know the more time I spend round BiL the more likely I wil blow up and say something, potentially hurting my SiL when I go Sad.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
startrek90 · 23/10/2015 14:19

Realm is really....autocorrect fail

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2015 14:19

I don't blame you. Mabey you can have her and the kids around yours instead. Be there for her, Mabey point her in the direction of Womans Aid.

cranberryx · 23/10/2015 18:41

Is there anyway your partner can talk to BIL? You don't say which one is actually related to your DH but maybe if he had an external party bring him up on his behaviour he may think about it a bit more - such as next time he puts a dish on the side without saying anything, just a comment like 'are you not going to put that in the dishwasher? What did your last slave die of?'

It's really hard to approach because obviously you can't come out and say to SIL to LTB until she has mentioned something or talks about it and seeks your help.

I wouldn't go around if there was weed there to be honest, just because of the smell if not the possible smoke. Maybe tell SIL next time she asks you over that you don't really agree with it, but love her and want her to know that she is always welcome at yours anytime she needs a Brew and a moan!

Original poster
startrek90 · 23/10/2015 21:37

SiL is DH sister. We can't say anything to him because when my FiL did my BiL started to fight him and he has isolated my SiL from her parents.

It's horrid to watch as when I first met my DH and his family SiL was really close to everyone and now she is cut off from her friends and parents. I don't want to isolate her more.

I grew up with an abusive man like my BiL so I know exactly what my poor nephew and my SiL are experiencing. I just don't know what the balance is.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 23/10/2015 21:44

If he kicks off,call the police

Tell him the truth, tell him you won't go round there and tell him why. Things will have to get worse for your SIL before she makes any changes unfortunately.

By pandering to him you are only prolonging things

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