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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

207 replies

Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:25

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

OP posts:
winchester1 · 04/10/2015 07:26

Id wait until eight myself

JeanSeberg · 04/10/2015 07:27

I'd text her now and when she gets back tell her to let you know next time. Hope she's ok.

Aridane · 04/10/2015 07:32

OP - there was a similar sort of situation and quite long thread a number of months ago - with a lot of posters saying, oh she's young and enjoying herself and give her space. However, I would text her, and agree with JeanSeberg.

(The other thread - which I would link if my Mumsnet thread searching abilities were better - was one where the upshot was that the OP was right to have contacted OP, and fortunately all was well for the au pair and the OP).

goblinhat · 04/10/2015 07:32

Don't intrude on her personal life. She is 25. I would wait until 4pm.

SharkBastard · 04/10/2015 07:34

I think it's a little early to be texting her. I would wait till the afternoon if she hasn't come back. She's 25, she isn't due to work today is she? Probably just had a good night and hanging out with friends

Spartans · 04/10/2015 07:35

It's a difficult situation. I assume you are worried about her, but she is also an adult. I also would want to make her feel that she has to tell you everything she is doing when she isn't working. You aren't her mum.

But I would be worried too. I would make wait until 10am then ask her if she is going to be back for dinner (assuming she eats with you) or some other reason.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:37

Yes I vaguely remember that thread but can't find it either.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/10/2015 07:39

I think it's nice of you to be worried, but she's not underage and you are not her mother.

I'd maybe text are you OK towards lunch time and be more proactive mid afternoon.

In any case, when she returns I'd agree on some safety procedures in case she does run into problems.

Spurtle · 04/10/2015 07:40

I'd leave it until afternoon before I started to worry I think. As others have said, she's 25, a grown woman. I know it will be worrying, but the chances are something bad having happened to her are actually quite slim. It's far, far more likely she's had a few drinks and decided to stay with someone else.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:41

No she isn't working today.

OP posts:
winchester1 · 04/10/2015 07:41

Id just text and say your planning lunch will she be eating with you (assume you do a cooked lunch on a Sunday).

Radiatorvalves · 04/10/2015 07:42

My AP was out last night but had previously told me "I sleep with my friends tonight.". I would text this morning. I need to know APs plans, regardless of age. If someone is living in my house I want to know if I should set alarm and bolt the door (as usual) when I go to bed.

Pidapie · 04/10/2015 07:45

What Winchester1 said :)

BoboChic · 04/10/2015 07:45

If she lives in your home, you are entitled to know her whereabouts - not in huge detail, but she needs to keep you informed if she is away overnight. Text her to ask if she is OK and when she comes home, have a chat about your responsibilities to anyone living under your roof and that she needs to let you know approximately when she will be out/back. Be entirely non-judgemental (as I am sure you are, sounding from your posts) and matter of fact about practicalities.

goblinhat · 04/10/2015 07:45

*when she returns I'd agree on some safety procedures in case she does run into problems.
*

She is 25 years old ffs.

goblinhat · 04/10/2015 07:46

When I was 25 I did a solo trip around the world alone for 10 months. I would go weeks without speaking to anyone in the UK.

Leave the poor woman alone.

Lweji · 04/10/2015 07:47

If she lives in your home, you are entitled to know her whereabouts
OMG
If anything, when you can expect her, certainly not her whereabouts. She's not a child.

BoboChic · 04/10/2015 07:47

That's a completely different scenario, goblincat, that is not comparable with this one.

holeinmyheart · 04/10/2015 07:49

It depends on your arrangements with her. She is a young adult but she is a foreigner and in a strange country.
Imagine that something has happenend to her and you don't text her until this PM. You will then get it in the neck. I would do it at nine.

When she reappears, ( I think as you probably realise now) you need to ask her to inform you if she intends to stay out all night.
I have had loads of Au-Pairs and I think he should have told you. But listen to what she says first.
Best of luck

goblinhat · 04/10/2015 07:50

Of course its comparable.

The OP doesn't really know the habits of the au pair- she has only been with them for a few months, and she is 25 years old. Hardly a child.
I would be glad that she is letting her hair down.

OP- don't pester the woman.

BrendaandEddie · 04/10/2015 07:51

She's 25.

BrendaandEddie · 04/10/2015 07:52

No to the lunch. No no. You're not her mum. Midday. If at all

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:52

I agree she's a grown woman, and she seems reasonably sensible, so I'm trying not to worry. At the same time I think she should have let me know, out of politeness if nothing else. She doesn't usually eat with us, she's very independent.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/10/2015 07:52

*when she returns I'd agree on some safety procedures in case she does run into problems.

She is 25 years old ffs.

Yes, and as a single person she can run into problems while by herself. The agree part is about what she feels could help. Does she feel herself, for example, that it's fine to check on her 12, 24, 48 hours after she's gone. Or not at all, or whatever. Mostly so that the op knows what she expects without having to wonder herself.

tobysmum77 · 04/10/2015 07:52

It is difficult yes as she is an adult but , I probably would text as I think a friend would but it isn't foolproof either as her phone is likely to be out of battery.