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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

207 replies

Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:25

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

OP posts:
AnyoneButAndre · 04/10/2015 10:11

Au pairs are meant to be living as part of the family so I think this is a very different situation to a live in nanny who'd be living as an independent adult who happens to be sharing the house.

Lweji · 04/10/2015 10:14

Apart from salary and considering it's a 25 year old, I don't see much difference.

Excited101 · 04/10/2015 10:21

She's 25, leave her alone!! You are her boss and her landlord- she's a fully grown adult! You've already said she doesn't really Wat with you and is pretty independent, clearly she's more of a cheap live in nanny than a traditional au pair.

Starkswillriseagain · 04/10/2015 10:38

I agree with MrsSchadenfreude.

When I lived with friends I would let them know, for my own safety. I liked that if I didn't come home and had planned too then they would know something was wrong. On the other hand when I lived with parents, I resented having to do that so go figure.

Viviennemary · 04/10/2015 10:44

I think in view of her age she probably thinks it's perfectly fine not to tell you she won't be back for the night if she isn't on duty. But you are worried and fair enough. This should be handled in a sensitive way as you don't want her to think you're treating her like a younger person. Come to some agreement.

jubblie · 04/10/2015 10:49

The OP didn't express any 'concern' for the AuPair. She seems more concerned about her entitlement to know of her whereabouts.
At 7.25 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

SourceofInformation · 04/10/2015 10:53

All is OK, so that's good, but if it wasn't it would have been terrible if no-one worried about her until Monday morning.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 10:53

Excited I think that was uncalled for. She's not held into slavery and we are not at all intrusive of her personal life. I don't want to know about her every whereabouts, but just that she lets us know if she isn't coming back for the night. On balance, and having read all replies, I think that is a reasonable request. And AP seems fine with that and readily said she will text me in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 11:00

Jubblie I thought it was obvious that the reason I wanted to know was because I was a bit worried and wanted to make sure she was safe.

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 04/10/2015 11:23

Rather her be staying out that bringing blokes home, like my au pair did back in the day.

sleepyelectricsheep · 04/10/2015 11:27

I would prefer an au pair to tell me if she was out all night, in the same way I would prefer a guest to let me know - regardless of age.

In the same vein I would let them know if I was planning to be out for a night.

It's basic politeness and helps everyone look out for each other. Also helps to know if she's joining you for breakfast / lunch etc.

However I wouldn't expect a lodger to tell me. I think the difference is a lodger is not usually living as part of your family, whereas a guest or an au pair usually is.

rainbowstardrops · 04/10/2015 11:32

OP the worst thing you've done here is to be a caring employer.
Ignore the crap. I'd have been mildly concerned too.

OvertiredandConfused · 04/10/2015 11:43

Bit late to this thread, and glad to see AP is now home.

We've had APs for 7 years now and we have basic rules around off duty time. They are expected to tell us when they intend to stay out all night and whether or not they want to eat with us at family mealtimes over the weekend - I always prepare and clear up from these but AP always welcome. Similarly, we always say if we're going away or will be out one mealtime and check AP is okay / has appropriate supplies to cook for herself.

I'd do the same for any adult living in the house as a member of the family.

JessieMcJessie · 04/10/2015 11:48

How did you know at 7.25 she wasn't home? she would be asleep normally at that time.

A pp described the OP as her "guardian"- FFS! A 25 year old woman does not need a guardian! I see she is home, good but really none of OP's business. In my opinion, as long as she turns up for her next work commitment you have no right to question her whereabouts and need to get used to the fact that adults have the right to privacy and autonomy. I would say the same if the subject of this thread had been the OP's daughter.

RoboticSealpup · 04/10/2015 11:53

She could have sent you a text to let you know she wasn't coming back for the night. How are you supposed to know whether she's stayed over somewhere or had an accident and ended up in hospital? I would have expected anyone who stayed with me to keep me updated for safety reasons, regardless of their age, regardless of who they were.

RoboticSealpup · 04/10/2015 11:55

No, OP is not her guardian, but she would be the one who called the police if she went missing, or the one who picked her up from hospital if she had an accident.

Gruntfuttock · 04/10/2015 11:59

The fact that she is 25 does not mean that it was impossible for something bad to have happened to her. Does no one over 25 ever have an accident or get taken ill etc.?

Bambambini · 04/10/2015 12:00

Well if folk think you have no right to know if she is coming home or she should just come and go as she pleases, just lock her out in future if it's your norm to bolt the door when you go to bed or at a certain time. She can take her cances. Folk here are weird if they think that is the better option.

DistanceCall · 04/10/2015 12:18

Would you text her if she was a man?

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/10/2015 12:24

We have an AP who is 21 and Australian. I would probably text her around 10 (although I see she's home safe now) and just ask how her night was, if she enjoyed herself and if she's ok.

As I would do any member of my family; my sister (if she was staying at mine), my DH or my friend. It's nice to show concern. And I always think, if something had happened; I would want to be seen to have been taking care of her. Can you imagine explaining to her parents? "Yeah, sorry we didn't bother wondering where she was until the morning she was meant to be on duty, we didn't want to smother her..." Hmm

slithytove · 04/10/2015 13:10

I would expect to know purely so I can properly lock up. I think that's reasonable.

Northernlurker · 04/10/2015 13:13

I don't know about the OP but if I had a male au pair of this age not only would I have sent them a text, I would have rung round a couple of hospitals too to check they hadn't been beaten up and admitted!

tobysmum77 · 04/10/2015 13:19

Once again a thread has gone Hmm Confused

Lets stop looking out for anyone once they hit the big 18. Would make a lovely society I'm sure. I don't understand the 'would you be worried if it was a man' comments.... Erm I'd be a bit worried like the op was.

SourceofInformation · 04/10/2015 13:34

Agree tobysmum, if anyone I was vaguely acquainted with didn't turn up as expected, I'd be a bit concerned and wondering what to do about it.

Nothing to do with my right to know their movements, just human concern

DistanceCall · 04/10/2015 13:50

I wasn't saying "you wouldn't call her if she was man". I just meant to use it as a way to make sure that you are calling her for the right reasons. If you woudl be just as concerned if she was a man - e.g. if you wanted to lock the door or something like that - then by all means text her.

However, if you wouldn't be so concerned if she was a man, then your concern is misplaced.