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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

207 replies

Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:25

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 04/10/2015 13:55

Would you text her if she was a man?

Someone trying to turn this into a sexist issue?

I text my mum when I know she has had a long drive to make sure she got there safely. She is nearly 60 and my mum. I do so because I care and I worry.

I would also text a friend who I knew didn't make it home when they were expected to, because I care and worry.

I would most definitely text a man in the same situation as well.

To me, it is just basic decency to let someone know you are not coming home, no matter if you are 16 or 60.

OP, there was no drama to be seen here, so some posters will now try to make some up as they don't like threads that aren't full of OP bashing ;)

Lweji · 04/10/2015 13:55

She wasn't exactly expected, as she hadn't said when she was expecting to get home.

And nobody said not to look for her at all. Just that it wasn't warranted at this time, yet.

Of course it's normal to be worried, but that still doesn't mean it's ok to chase someone before even 8 am on a Sunday.

Sallystyle · 04/10/2015 13:56

A text is now chasing someone?

Gwenhwyfar · 04/10/2015 14:00

"I think it is a little bit rude to not give any time when you are back."

I think it's rude to impose that! When I go out, I don't know in advance when I'm going to be back and as a person over 18, I don't answer to anyone.

RandomMess · 04/10/2015 14:01

Late to thread too but the rules with my older dc is they text when they leave to come home/or change of plan. Phone the home phone in an emergency.

I sleep with my phone sound off so they don't disturb me.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/10/2015 14:01

"To me, it is just basic decency to let someone know you are not coming home, no matter if you are 16 or 60. "

Maybe she decided to stay at a friend's when it was very late. Would you want a phone call at 2am?

thehypocritesoaf · 04/10/2015 14:02

It's a difficult one...

When I was an au pair, I lived in a flat in the grounds so when I didn't come back, no one knew. Hooray!

But this was pre texting anyway so etiquette maybe has changed.

Marynary · 04/10/2015 14:02

I can see why you were a bit worried but I think that as an adult she has the right to stay out all night without texting you about it. You are not her parent.
You know now that there is a possibility that she will stay out so in the future there really is no need to worry or expect a text.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/10/2015 14:05

"I would expect to know purely so I can properly lock up. I think that's reasonable."

You should have a door that locks itself when you close it.

Sallystyle · 04/10/2015 14:05

A phone call, no? A text, yes.

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/10/2015 14:12

I sometimes ask in conversation basically where she's going (in London, so if she went missing at least I could give the police a head start) and if she's planning on being back, just in general conversation.

If she says I don't know (which happened with last AP, she was going to see how it went and then stay at a friend's house if it turned out to be a good night so not to miss the last train) I just say something like 'oh well take your key, we're going out for lunch tomorrow and I wouldn't want you to be locked out' and the AP replied she'd be back before then anyway. You can get a lot out of people without giving them the third degree.

I don't know what kinds of relationships other people have with their AP's, but mine have been like family to me. We keep in touch and still see them, even years hence. So, it feels natural to think about them and feel concern for their whereabouts.

Can you imagine if something happened, having to explain to the AP's poor parents that you didn't know where she'd gone, no idea who with, for how long and you hadn't even bothered to contact her until she was due for work? You'd have to sit in front of them and say 'don't know, don't know, don't know' to every question they or the police asked!

I guess some people on here think that once a person turns 18, that they don't want or need anyone to care about them. How horrible.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/10/2015 14:17

I would have been worried too. And same if was a male AP.

When I was a student living away from home, flatmates let each other know if they were not coming home to avoid causing any alarm. In the holidays when back at home, I was expected to (and had no problem with) letting parents know my planned comings and goings.

Same as I expect DH to let me know when he will be home and same as I let him know if I am going to be later than planned. It's about consideration of others, not them being controlling.

Anyway, very glad indeed that OPs AP is OK!

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/10/2015 14:19

I think the male/female thing is a bit of a non issue here.

SourceofInformation · 04/10/2015 14:19

Gwenhyhfar, I don't think those doors exist. I thought they did until we were burgled while we slept and the police told me how common it is and showed me how easy it is.

Artandco · 04/10/2015 14:21

I can see basic saying when your home for logistics, but at 25 I had two children and was travelling the world alone with them. Dh would know what country we were in roughly but we would often loose touch for a few days, Dh did the same with the children. If my parents had wanted me to call daily we would have gone crazy, I haven't lived with them since 18.

ChocolateWombat · 04/10/2015 14:33

As with most of these au pair threads, I think it all comes down to clear communication about expectations at the START of the contract.

So, just as hosts should be clear about what work is required and when, theyshould also make clear their expectations of someone living in their house - these need to be reasonable and recognise that the au pair is an adult and can expect privacy.....but you might lay out what you would expect in terms of;

  • their use of phone for ringing abroad
  • if they can/cannot have friends to stay
  • any times you prefer them not to use main living room etc
  • what to do if they are ill or running late
  • communication if away over night or over a weekend

Clearly this list is not exhaustive. Some of the points mig be things for discussion and negotiation, whilst others won't. Be clear that you respect the au pair is an adult and is due some privacy but also that whilst living communally and in your role as host, greater levels of communication might be needed than for an employee living off site.

Establishing all of this at the start seems so vital to avoid these communication issues and angst that seem so frequent.

slithytove · 04/10/2015 14:38

Thanks for the advice gwen, I do. Doesn't mean I don't like to put the bolt and chain on as well, as is my right in my own home.

ludog · 04/10/2015 14:43

As the mother of an adult daughter recently returned from au pairing in Spain, I would like to think that her host family thought more of her than just someone who worked for them and therefore only to be concerned about during working hours. If dd doesn't come home from a night out I expect a text to let me know, just out of courtesy. I don't want or need to know who she's with or where she is, just that she won't be home. The rest is her own business as an adult. When she was abroad I would hate to think she didn't come home as planned and no-one cared until she was late for work the next day. As a society it's normal to have concern for those we live with, regardless of age.

ChocolateWombat · 04/10/2015 14:45

I think that the relationship with an au pair can be a little like the relationship between a parent and an adult child who has returned home after some time away.

The parent needs to accept there is now another adult living in the house and to treat them as such - not prying and allowing independence.
At the the same time, an adult child whilst having some independence needs to recognise they are NOT living alone - recognsing people will worry if you don't come in at night (if that is not the norm) means the adult child needs to communicate that to the parents, even if they would prefer not to - it is part and parcel of adults living together, not really an age thing. So if 2 or 3 adults flat-shared as friends and decided to spend a night away, they would usually let their friends know - not because it is a requirement, but out of courtesy and recognition that people who live together are concerned about each other.

Equally, if the norm is for all the household to eat together, it would be polite and sensible for an au pair or adult child or flat mate who has a change of plan,not just let the others know they won't be there. It is just the done this g with communal living.

Finally, the thing with au pairs is that they are usually young and not always socially aware and usually in a foreign country and communication may not always be easy. Sometimes our expectations about what makes a smooth running home when people live communally need to be SPELLED OUT not ASSUMED.

Most of us on here are older adults....we have more experience and maturity, but the au pair is young and abroad. The host needs to take responsibility for establishing clear communication.

TheStripyGruffalo · 04/10/2015 14:56

Doors with and old style Yale lock will lock when you close it unless you have put the catch up so it doesn't. Yale locks aren't that secure though are they?

scifisam · 04/10/2015 14:57

When I've had people stay over for extended periods - just as friends who needed a place to stay - I've asked them to let me know if they're staying out for the night. Just a text - a text is not going to wake me up but I'll see it in the morning. They're not someone living separately to me, they're part of my household. I want to be able to bolt the doors and I want to know they're safe. If they stay out a lot then I might not expect a text but then they should expect the doors to be bolted sometimes too.

I think that's pretty normal and an au pair is closer to that - a friend staying over - than someone travelling independently round the world or someone renting a room as a lodger.

Anyone who thinks taking tiny steps to make sure their guests are safe is weird needs their reality parameters recalibrating.

TheStripyGruffalo · 04/10/2015 14:57

Just googled it, they are called rim nightlatches and are indeed insecure.
thecrimepreventionwebsite.com/security-door-locks-hardware-and-fittings/560/nightlatches/

Marynary · 04/10/2015 15:04

Anyone who thinks taking tiny steps to make sure their guests are safe is weird needs their reality parameters recalibrating

You aren't taking steps to make sure your guests are safe though. What would you do if you didn't get a text? The police aren't going to be interested in the fact that your guest didn't come home for the night.

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/10/2015 15:06

ludog I agree. The parents of the girl with me are never far from my mind; and we do genuinely care about all the AP's we have had Smile

YouTheCat · 04/10/2015 15:14

If dd (20) is out beyond when I usually go to bed, she texts me and lets me know. If she was staying out, I'd expect a text too.

It works the other way round too.

I don't need to know where she is or what she's up to, she's an adult, but it's reassuring to know she's safe.