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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

207 replies

Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:25

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

OP posts:
BoboChic · 04/10/2015 07:52

It's got nothing to do with the age or habits of the au pair. It's got to do with the fact that this person lives under the OP's roof and is living as a member of her family, which makes the OP responsible for her. If the au pair has got into trouble and the OP doesn't follow up, the OP will have an awful lot of explaining to do later.

Pipbin · 04/10/2015 07:52

I don't think you have a 'right to know', she's 25 I was living alone in Manchester at that age, however a quick 'just checking you are ok' text is just friendly.

OffMyAyersRocker · 04/10/2015 07:56

It isn't comparable, no one is expecting you home goblin.

And l say that as someone who also travelled alone at 25.

Just wait until 10ish as she probably won't be awake until then anyway.

goblinhat · 04/10/2015 07:57

out of politeness if nothing else

??

It's her day off - she owes you no explanation.

Lweji · 04/10/2015 07:57

Of course she's not responsible for what happens to an adult living under her roof!
If anything, she should report if she doesn't show up for work, or missing over N time. So far she has stayed one night away. No big deal.
It would be different if she had said she'd be home for breakfast, for example.

BoboChic · 04/10/2015 07:59

Yes she is responsible. Were she a lodger, that would be different (though there is still room for negotiation as to what to do when people don't show). But an au pair or nanny or other member of household staff living under one's roof - there is most definitely responsibility both ways. Out of common sense, as much as anything.

Grazia1984 · 04/10/2015 08:00

I would certanily text her. Just say "Is everything okay?" And if she's sensible (and okay) she'll just text back - all well, will be back by.....

Lweji · 04/10/2015 08:03

Of anything the op has the responsibility to allow her AP privacy and a personal life.
Bed, room, washing facilities, food if agreed. Where she goes, when she goes, out of work hours, and out of the house, it's not for her employer to check on.

StompyFreckles · 04/10/2015 08:03

I would wait until 10am - it's her day off and she is not a child. If you need to bolt the door at night, you could ask her to let you know if she's sleeping out in future.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 08:04

Yes, I think it would have been polite to let me know so we don't have this situation this morning where we're unsure what to do.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 04/10/2015 08:05

Its not about responsibility its just basic consideration for others. A friend would text 'ru ok? X' in this situation. As host mum 'hope you had a good night, just checking you are ok :)' Just like if she was driving durung the day and hadnt arrived 2 hours later than expected.

People worry about other people, its human nature. Yes she's a grown woman and where she is of no business to the op, but its completely normal to worry also.

The big issue is the op is likely to get no reply due to phone being out of battery, which may just induce panic. This is what happened on the previous thread.

Esmeismyhero · 04/10/2015 08:05

A text is nothing, just ask her if she is ok? I've been an au pair and I wouldn't think twice about getting a nice text making sure I'm ok. Settle your nerves and all.

Solina · 04/10/2015 08:07

I think it is a little bit rude to not give any time when you are back. I mean in my house you wouldnt have to say where you are going just what time I should expect you back. I let OH know and he lets me know and we are obviously both adults. I would get worried if someone living in my home was not back by morning unless they had told me they wont be.
Its all just because accidents happen and not everyone is friendly.

tobysmum77 · 04/10/2015 08:09

I don't think it is rude because she probably didn't know in advance. She has either pulled or crashed at a friend's.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 08:10

Actually Toby is right, it's about consideration to others, not politeness.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 04/10/2015 08:10

I agree with the others. I wouldn't be panicking at this stage but a quick text yo say 'are you ok?' Is fine and then when she's home ask that she lets you know by text if she ever decides to stay out again.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 04/10/2015 08:11

She probably hasn't let you know what she is doing because it was probably too late last night and she didn't want to disturb you and so far, too early this morning.

Binkybix · 04/10/2015 08:11

But how would she have know she wouldn't have been home if she hooked up with someone?

I'd leave it a bit later. However if something bad had happened she'd be unlikely to reply, ditto if no battery left.

Cocacolaandchocolate · 04/10/2015 08:14

I would text... 'Are you safe? Hope you had a good night..' Then when she replys. Say thanks see you later...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2015 08:18

When I had flat mates if I didn't come home they would text me to check I was ok. That was when I was early 20s. I think texting her is fine, but don't get too hung up on her letting you know in advance, it probably wasn't a planned thing.

Brioche201 · 04/10/2015 08:24

I am trying to think of a scenario where she is not OK, her phone is charged and in credit and she is able to text for help ,but she waits for the ops text to do so.

So if she is no t OK she would have waited til you texted to tell you

Artandco · 04/10/2015 08:32

No. I don't think she is ' missing' until she doesn't turn up on time Monday morning for work. Anything she does in between is up to her.

tobysmum77 · 04/10/2015 08:34

The point is brioche that the op is worried. Texting the op is hopefully a way of giving her peace of mind so she doesn't spend the day curtain twitching every time she hears a car.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 08:37

It doesn't matter how old she is.

It is polite to let people you live with know you're ok. My DD is 24 and lives away but when she's at home she always tells me when she's due back - so does my DH and he's 50Wink

I would text her and just ask if she will be back for lunch. When she comes back I'd then have a chat with her about it and just ask if she would mind texting you if she's not coming back in the evening. She doesn't have to say who she's with or what she's doing but it's just consideration to let you know she's ok and not lying in a ditch somewhere!

M0rven · 04/10/2015 08:38

What art and co said

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