Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

[Farandole]

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

We ask our au pair to text if she's staying out and she's 26. She went out in London last night and texted to say she was staying out - not a big deal for her. But it means we know she's safe.

Thanks everyone :)

In answer to a question up thread, I knew AP wasn't home because her bedroom door was open. She always leaves it open when she is out; this way, if her door is shut, we know she is home.

She can do whatever she likes in her spare time (or sleep all day as she usually does :o), doesn't bother us at all.

We haven't talked about overnight guests yet... I'm hoping the issue will not arise, but we can cross that bridge in due course.

The police aren't going to be interested in the fact that your guest didn't come home for the night

if the guest/adult DD/flatmate was not in the habit of staying out without letting someone know, then they would be interested. Which is why the OP and people in similar situations need ground rules about communication. because next time, how would OP know if the AP was just staying out again, or if something had happened to her?

In response to the lodger comments, I'm a lodger and well over 25. If I'm going to be out all night I let my landlady know and vice versa. If it was a last-minute change of plan I'd text her as soon as I knew and assume she'd see it in the morning. It is just courtesy to people you live with.

OP, you can cross the bridge about overnight guests when it arises if you want. It might arise and she might have someone over BEFORE you have the discussion, if you just wait.

If you had the discussion about all of these kind of things at the start (including the one about letting you know if she is staying out) then you would have avoided the worry you had this morning. She might also be feeling a bit awkward now too,with a sense she has annoyed you (or she might not feel awkward at all) and that too could have been avoided by having the conversation at the start.

People I know who have had many aupairs over many years, have everything written down - they say it might sound a bit formal, but actually, especially with language difficulties in early conversations which are quite common, au pairs generally like the chance to look at something on paper in their own time to have time to digest it,especially if there is later a chance to discuss them - the written down stuff includes work duties (spelled out extremely clearly to avoid doubt) as well as stuff to do with living communally in the house.

Is this your first au pair OP? Sorry if you have said this earlier andnI have missed it.

The police are interested in missing people who are vulnerable in some way. This may include being very young or very old, serious mental health problems, or dementia. They would also be interested if you had some grounds for thinking a person had been abducted. But 99% of missing people turn up within 48 hours. So unless the person is particularly vulnerable, or there are suspicious circumstances, the police would probably do nothing initially, except to advise you to ring round the hospitals in the area.

Empress, absolutely! You know it is a courtesy and part of living as an adult with other adults.
Not all au pairs, or indeed all adults have grasped that though - au pairs who are abroad, with perhaps imperfect communication skills, can be uncommunicative or simply unaware of what is appropriate. That is why the host needs to make it all clear from the start and establish what the norms are.

if the guest/adult DD/flatmate was not in the habit of staying out without letting someone know, then they would be interested.

Firstly, if someone is just a guest or recent flatmate you don't really know what they are in the habit of doing. Secondly, no the police would not be interested if an adult hasn't come home for the night unless you have specific reasons to be concerned about their welfare.

Which is why the OP and people in similar situations need ground rules about communication. because next time, how would OP know if the AP was just staying out again, or if something had happened to her?

If an adult doesn't want to inform people of their whereabouts or let them know if they are coming home for the night that is up to them.

I think it is clear from this thread that people have very different expectations about whether you tell people you are sharing a house with if you will not be back that night. So if you want them to tell you, you need to make that clear.

Although if a LL asked me to do that, I would say no.

I would tell my parents as they love me and visa vera and I wouldn't want them to worry. I don't think that same applies to flatmates etc. They aren't going to have a sleepness night or tear their hair out with worry because I haven't sent them a text.

My friends are all in their 50s or 60s. When we are staying with each other, we do say if we plan to be away for the night, or text if plans change.
Same for men or women. It's mainly for planning meals, outings, locking up, i.e. courtesy to the host.

I don't plan on changing my excellent, expensive system of burglar alarm, security locks, bolts and chain to just self-locking. None of my friends rely on self-locking either.

Marynary, I disagree that an au pair should be free to decide if she/he tells the host if they are coming home or not.

Yes,they are an adult and are entitled to privacy. There should be no need at all to say where they are or what they are doing.....but BECAUSE they are living communally, certain communications can be requested and indeed should be requested.

It would be wrong for the hosting family to go out for the day and not tell the au pair that they wouldn't be home over-night if that wasn't the norm, and likewise it would be wrong for the au pair to do it. Being clear that anyone who is out overnight will let the others know is an expectation that is making clear - it isn't about being controlling or denying someone the chance to do what they want - it is about recognsing that when living communally, other people WILL worry if someone who they are expecting to be around at night,suddenly isn't.

So I think it is entirely appropriate for a hosting family to ask an au pair to let them know if they won't be home at night, or if they won't be coming for meals where they see expected.....not to ask permission to do such things, but just as a courtesy and acknowledgement that when communally living, the actions of one person can cause worry to others. Personally, if an au pair had a problem with that idea, I wouldn't be prepared to have them.

The only people I can imagine objecting to telling people they live with communally, that they aren't coming home,is teenagers......and that is because of their immaturity and inability to understand how their actions might cause worry to others. I think hosting families can expect more from au pairs and other adults.....but it does have to be spelled out sometimes....not in a draconian way, but in a reasonable way.....why would any sensible adult au pair who has sense enough to be able to look after your children, object to doing this...what possible good reason could there be?

And to anyone who says they wouldn't be prepared to let others who they live with communally in a friends or family type way, that they won't be coming home......I would say, you had better go and live alone, because then you won't have to consider anyone else at all.

Maybe it was late, maybe she didn't want to disturb op.

It's just a case of getting to know someone. Once you know that sometimes she will be away fur a night it's easier to relax.

Perhaps just mention it - just underline that if she ever gets stuck/in trouble you will help.

You can't do any more than that.

By the way, some of the replies on this thread are batshit crazy

ChocolateWombat I disagree. Telling the host that they won't be back for the night does nothing to improve their safety and even if it did it should still be up to them as adults to decide i.e. it isn't up to other adults to insist that they should do this or that for their own safety.

The only people I can imagine objecting to telling people they live with communally, that they aren't coming home,is teenagers......and that is because of their immaturity and inability to understand how their actions might cause worry to others.

Well you haven't got a very good imagination then. I am in my late 40s and certainly not immature. I would object to being told by another adult that I have to send them a text if I want to stay out for the night though.

And to anyone who says they wouldn't be prepared to let others who they live with communally in a friends or family type way, that they won't be coming home......I would say, you had better go and live alone, because then you won't have to consider anyone else at all.

You don't have to live alone. I don't think adults in house shares have to all let each other know if they are coming home that night. It would be up to them.

I'd be genuinely (but selfishly) worried. If the worst had happened, how could I tell her mother a hadn't seen her for a couple of days, had no idea who she was with, or where and had made no attempt to find out?

I don't think that a mother of a 25 year old would expect you to know where her daughter was or who she was with when she wasn't working for you.

Not even when she's supposed to be living as part of the family?

Not even when she's supposed to be living as part of the family?

I don't think that making the au pair feel that they are "part of the family" involves expecting them to tell you where they are and what they are doing when they are not looking after your children particularly if they are 25 years old.

Marynary, the key thing is that the au pair doesn't come to live independently, but as part of a family. There is more than an employer/employee relationship. People will eat together and maybe go away on holiday together, and maybe see each other in their pyjamas etc etc.
Yes, everyone needs their own space. Yes, an au pair should be free to do what they want in their free time and not to have to ask permission. But when you live with people and share your lives (and the au pair thing is intended to be just this - sharing lives - people are hosts, not employers, they are expected to take some kind of responsibility for the young adults who have come from abroad to both work for them,and to learn what it is to live in a British family) then you DO have some kind of responsibility towards them.
It's not particularly about the fact they have told the host they are staying out, keeping them safe. It is about telling the host so the host doesn't worry. Bit is an acknowledgment on the part of the aupair that a host WILL notice they aren't there and might be worried- isn't that just the mature response of an adult who can empathise with the feelings of those they live with?

Again, it's not about asking permission to stay out, nor necessary to say where or what they are doing.

If you live with people in a flat share where people barely know each others' names and have no relationship with each other, perhaps you wouldn't notice or care if someone in the flat didn't come home. Perhaps no one would worry and you wouldn't think to let people know - perhaps you wouldn't even have their numbers. However, this isn't what the aupair/host arrangement is like.

I'd be worried, and probably do the 'are you ok?' text. Just because I like to know everyone's safe. Maybe agree with her to text when she's going to be away for more than 24 hours in future.

So here's a story for everyone who says "It's none of your business".

When I was in my twenties, I helped hire a chap from up north to come and work at our record shop (this is in the infancy of mobile phones). He wrote to his Mam every week to tell her all about London.

I worked different shift patterns as a duty manager, one night I went to the pub with a few friends as I was starting late the next day. We all said goodnight and he & I walked to the station together, we had tickets for a gig the next week, chatted, said goodnight & I went home on another line.

I woke up the next morning to find a million missed calls from work and loads of numbers I didn't recognise on my phone. I ignored them, assuming work wanted me to come in early to cover for someone.

It turns out our northern friend had fallen onto the train tracks and died.

The calls were from the police and work, desperately trying to find out if he was with me. There was nobody to officially ID him (me and a friend had to do it in the end) so the news could be broken to his family.

It haunts me now, every fucking day. If someone was living in my home, I would want to know they were safe, not where they were or who they were with. Just safe.

I can think of no good reason why an au pair would refuse to send a message to her/host if they changed their plans and decided to stay away over night.

If they did refuse, I would question if they were mature enough to look after my children and live with us a family.......if they were not mature enough to appreciate the worries we would experience, if they just impromptuly decided to stay out, without a word.

bessarabiantiger I don't see how your story is relevant.

Marynary, the key thing is that the au pair doesn't come to live independently, but as part of a family. There is more than an employer/employee relationship. People will eat together and maybe go away on holiday together, and maybe see each other in their pyjamas etc etc.

I haven't been an au pair but I know quite a few people who employ them. Whilst they are part of the family when looking after the children and with regard to eating meals etc, they aren't expected to let the host know where they are and what they are doing when they are off duty and not with the children.