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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

207 replies

Farandole · 04/10/2015 07:25

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

OP posts:
cleaty · 04/10/2015 08:39

She is 25 years old. I would be annoyed if I was asked to let my employer know if I was going to be home that night. Have you never been young and went out thinking you are coming home, but staying instead with a friend or boyfriend? This is way OTT reaction.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 08:40

So she went to a party and stayed over either there or elsewhere. It's probably nice for her to enjoy her w/e and have some space from the family however well you're all getting on.
I'd send her a friendly text about mid-morning or mid-day just to say you hope she's having a good w/e, party was good etc. If you want to hint that you'd rather know in advance next time/ express a little more concern you could say "Are you OK? Hope you're having a good w/e?"

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2015 08:40

I would flick a text if you don't hear from her by midday, she's most likely sleeping off a hangover on a mate's sofa.

But I agree she needs to send a text / write note / tell the OP that she will not be back until sometime the next day etc. It's just basic consideration so the OP doesn't worry. I always left a note on the table in my shared when I went out clubbing back in my 20s.

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2015 08:41

*shared flat

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 08:42

And as cleaty says if plans can't change on a Saturday night when you're young, free, and single when can they?

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 04/10/2015 08:43

I'd text. Something short and sweet. Hopefully, your mind will be put at rest.

I agree with those who say that an au pair is not the same as a lodger.

Original poster
Farandole · 04/10/2015 08:43

Update - au pair has just come home. She seems fine. I asked that she texts me next time she stays out for the night, and she agreed. All is well that ends well!

OP posts:
swimmerforlife · 04/10/2015 08:44

Oh thats good Op! Enjoy the rest of your day.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 08:48

Great. She's back quite early really isn't she? I'd have had more of a lie-in on a Sunday morning I think!

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 04/10/2015 08:50

Great news!

Cel982 · 04/10/2015 08:51

If she ended up sleeping on someone's floor after a party she was probably up at the crack of dawn and dying to get back to a nice comfy house again Smile

Janeymoo50 · 04/10/2015 08:58

I'd be concerned too, 25 or not. I would text to say hi, hope you had a good night etc (by 11am), are you home for lunch, if not have a lovely day etc. Au Pair or not, 25 or not, I think it's common courtesy for her to key you know if not coming home even just in respect of locking up etc.

Janeymoo50 · 04/10/2015 08:59

Oops, missed she was back!!! Sorry.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 09:01

Glad she home you can stop worrying now!Smile

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2015 09:08

Wasn't there a few travellers world wide that did run into trouble as they didn't have someone like the op looking out for them...

Whatever age you are it is the thought of not coming home and hoping everything is OK

I have students live with me and I ask them at the start to just let me know when they are out if they are not coming home, by text at any time before morning - house rules

I don't want to have police at my door asking me questions I don't know the answer to, at least a text can answer those questions.

This is regardless of age or sex

BoyScout · 04/10/2015 09:23

I think provided she's there when her next 'shift' starts, you should leave her alone.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/10/2015 09:39

Good to read that she's back.

I know she's 25, an adult and entitled to her private life. As her employer and , in lieu of no family , her guardian, whilst in this country, I think OP had every right to be concerned about her welfare and safety.

cleaty · 04/10/2015 09:48

25 year old single childless woman goes out in the evening, and doesn't say when she will be back. OP doesn't even know if she has a boyfriend or not. No I would not have been worried if she hadn't been in the house at 7.25am.

Lweji · 04/10/2015 09:55

I think OP had every right to be concerned
Being concerned it's an emotion, not a right.

I could be concerned about an adult leaving with me, but no right to ask for updates on where they are due, unless they expect me to have a meal ready or something. It's up to them to tell me or not.

Northernlurker · 04/10/2015 09:56

I see she's back so that's fine but yes I would have wanted to know she was ok in the OP's place.

PacificMouse · 04/10/2015 09:56

I would have if this wasn't part of her habits.
I think the fact the OP is worried means she is a caring person and I'm struggling to see why it would be a bad thing.
If you think you might not come back until the next day, it's easy to let the person you are living with know.
I'm surprised at the number of people who just wash your hands of the wellbeing of people living under their roof. How would you have felt if the police had turned up in the pm asking questions? Say you didn't care?

DrSausagedog · 04/10/2015 09:57

If she wasn't due to work this morning, you need to let her have her freedom. Young people do make very spontaneous plans so don't suffocate her.

If on the other hand she was late for work, then YANBU.

cleaty · 04/10/2015 09:59

She may not have known if she was going to be back that night or not.

PacificMouse · 04/10/2015 10:00

Btw it's not about z right to know where she was. It's about looking out for other people, people who
1- I suppose their English won't be so good therefore could get in trouble more easily
2- someone who doesn't know the country/the area (here for a month)
3- someone who lives under your roof and you were expecting them back in the am

That's why an agreement is essential. And also why it's ok to check if she was ok wo demanding all her whereabouts.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/10/2015 10:00

I think it's difficult with au pairs. On one hand, they are adults, and on the other, you do feel some responsibility for them. We asked ours to text by midnight at the latest if she wasn't going to be coming back, so that we could double lock the door and put the chain on it. This worked well - she would usually know if she was going to crash at a friend's at midnight or be getting a taxi back.