Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

[Farandole]

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

Marynary, don't you think it would be rather selfish, to be living with people in close proximity and spending hours with them every day, both whilst working and not working - effectively sharing your lives - and then to refuse to consider the impact of your actions on them?

Inthinkmyour said earlier that you wouldn't want to worry your parents, so would text them if staying out. You are empathising with the worry they would experience if they expected you home and you didn't arrive. It is the same for hosts of au pairs. Isn't it a sign of adult maturity to recognise that and take simple steps to prevent such worry - such a little step,with no impact on what they are spending their time doing at all.

I can think of no good reason why an au pair would refuse to send a message to her/host if they changed their plans and decided to stay away over night.

They might refuse because they feel that what they do in their free time is their own business and they shouldn't have to ask/inform anyone about it if they don't want to. You might as well say that you can see no good reason why someone should refuse to tell their employer/landlord/friend/complete stranger what they wish to do in their free time.

I would want the same as I expected from my adult daughters and son when they lived with me.

If they went out on a Friday night I would expect them to message me to the effect -

Back late with friends, will be doing full English at 4am, don't panic, not a burglar.

See you for roast usual time Sunday.

Off to Greece, will let you know re Christmas.

Just common courtesy really.

I would keep them similarly posted.

Marynary, don't you think it would be rather selfish, to be living with people in close proximity and spending hours with them every day, both whilst working and not working - effectively sharing your lives - and then to refuse to consider the impact of your actions on them?

Where did I say that I would "refuse to consider the impact of my actions"?

I cannot believe that you can't see the difference between an employer or complete stranger and the people you are living with AS PART OF THE FAMILY (and the au pair deal is that the au pair is part of the family)

I've said several times that it isn't about asking permission, or about giving details of what you are doing or where - purely that they aren't planning to come home that night.

I think I will finish now. I would hope that anyone I live with in a close relationship, would have enough respect for me and my feelings to be able to spare 10 seconds to send me a text to spare me a sleepless night.

Inthinkmyour said earlier that you wouldn't want to worry your parents, so would text them if staying out. You are empathising with the worry they would experience if they expected you home and you didn't arrive. It is the same for hosts of au pairs. Isn't it a sign of adult maturity to recognise that and take simple steps to prevent such worry - such a little step,with no impact on what they are spending their time doing at all.

That is rubbish. A host/landlord/flatmate is not going to worry about where a non related adult is in the way a parent might worry.
Anyway, my parents only expect me to text them because I normally do and would be worried about a change in behaviour. If I told them in advance that I wasn't going to do that anymore they would be fine about it. They certainly wouldn't insist on a text. My brothers don't text them.

Marynary - you are just making things up. No one is saying she has to report where and what she is doing - just a heads up if she's not coming home - not unreasonable at all. From 18 i used to stay out all night and often didn't inform my parents. Usually because it would be 2am until i reslised and it was too late and no mobike phones to text etc. now i'm older and a parent, i realise it was quite selfish. It's not unreasonable to want to know who is sleeping under your roof at night. Could be to not worry, to lock up or if something like a fire occurred.

Marynary - you are just making things up. No one is saying she has to report where and what she is doing

Read the thread. At least one person has seems to think that the OP should report on where she is and who she is with. Anyway, in reality it is pretty pointless just to state that you are staying out from a safety point of view.

From 18 i used to stay out all night and often didn't inform my parents. Usually because it would be 2am until i reslised and it was too late and no mobike phones to text etc. now i'm older and a parent, i realise it was quite selfish. It's not unreasonable to want to know who is sleeping under your roof at night. Could be to not worry, to lock up or if something like a fire occurred.

I agree that you were very selfish not to inform your parents when you were barely an adult as they would probably have been very worried considering that they loved you. The host of an au pair does not love the au pair and wouldn't really be worried them being out all night at the age of 25 as evidenced by the fact that OP didn't even notice she wasn't there until the morning. She hardly had a sleepless night over it and it didn't effect whether she did or didn't lock up. Presumably if it wasn't for the OP door she wouldn't have noticed anything at all until later in the door.

later in the door day

Skipped to the end since the page where the AP came home safe, but I don't understand all those protesting that she's an Adult and so on. I lodged with a couple of families in my early 20s and would always either express that I was going out and 'might crash at a friends' or I would text at some stage to say I'd be out all night so a) they could lock up securely b) nobody would have any cause to worry. Now that this has happened & the OP and AP have discussed it I'd presume the same would apply to them in future.

It's just a text & just a courtesy when sharing a house with people.

It's also about managing your expectations. If you livd and worked with Marynary, she wouldn't want you to let her know if you were staying out, but for the OP it caused her to worry.
I wouldn't mind texting if it made my boss/landlady/whatever sleep easier. Also any late night noise they hear in the house, they would know it's probably be a burglar, not me stumbling to bed. It's more for her safety than mine.

in two minds. My 25 year old self woudl be cross about having to check in all the time. I'd want to be independent.

BUT I also used to live in Twickenham and there were 2 murders, one in Twickenham and one in Hampton, both vair nice areas.

As a mum and an employer, I'd want my au pair to know that I considered her well being a priority and that I owed it to her own mum to know that I was looking out for her daughter as much as I was looking out for my own. So I'd be worried too. I think I'd want an "am alive" text every 10 hours or so.

Wow. Most 25 year olds have been living away from home for years, many live alone in their own flats. They sure as hell aren't texting their Mums every 10 hours to prove they are alive.

For many au pairs, actually this is their first go at independent living. Most Europeans go to Uni near home and live at home. They often go to Uni later to begin with and being an AuPair is sort of a gap year thing for many.
If you look at the websites where Au Pairs sign up, there are lots of bits aimed at their parents - emphasising the family nature of being an aupair and the support given by the host family. When families sign up to take an aupair, it is more than just an employer relationship. It is a fine line.....they are adults and certainly need independence and time off and no requirement to say what they are doing or with whom (like an adult child returning home) but as an adult living amongst others, there are responsibilities towards those others.
As lots have said on here, it's not an age thing or a control thing to let those you know,who care about you, that you won't come home that night, when you usually do. It's a courtesy and sign of maturity. Most of us on here are probably beyond 25 and wouldn't consider letting our housemates (whether they are partners, housemates or whatever) know if we were staying out later than planned a big issue...just an obvious courtesy. For most au pairs too, it will be an obvious courtesy to the family they live with.......but as they are young and may not have had to think about it before, it might not be obvious for some au pairs, which is why the host should make it clear at the start.....the reasons about worry,rather than nosiness can also be made clear.
Marynary lives with her parents. I have no idea how old she is, or if she has ever lived elsewhere. Her thoughts do remind me of the conversations I might have with my teenage son......he doesn't want to tell me stuff and can only see it from his point of view. He struggles to understand that I might worry if I think he will be home at the end of the evening and he isn't there at 10 the next day.....it is his age and immaturity which means he can't grasp that I might be concerned - he is selfish, which is true of many teenagers - and I expect he will grow out of it and soon realise and be willing to text - not because I have asked him to,but because his own common sense tells him it's the right thing to do.. He wouldn't be ready yet to take responsibility for children.
Marynary seems to think that anyone apart from her family wouldn't care at all about her whereabouts. I'm glad to say that isn't the case.....fortunately, lots of people do care about others. People who live together as friends,nor in a relationship (and being an au pair is a relationship with a family) do have some level of concern about each other. Adults should recognise that and try not to cause worry to each other.....a 10 second text is all it takes.

"Wow. Most 25 year olds have been living away from home for years, many live alone in their own flats."

Really? Not from where i came from. Most of my neices and nephews all went to college or uni nearby and lived at home, some still do in their mid 20s.

It's a two way thing. I'd let an au pair know if I wasn't coming home and I'd expect the same consideration from them.

I'd say really Bambambini.

Most of my friends were living alone by 21. I moved out at 18. I'm just 30, for context.

Marynary lives with her parents. I have no idea how old she is, or if she has ever lived elsewhere. Her thoughts do remind me of the conversations I might have with my teenage son......he doesn't want to tell me stuff and can only see it from his point of view.

What on earth makes you think I live with my parents? I haven't lived with them for 30 years so get off your patronising high horse. I am quite sure that I am every bit as mature as you are. I just don't have the same opinion as you!
Some au pairs might be young but the one in the OP is not. She is 25, not some teenager with no experience of the world. When I was that age I was living in the States and had been completely independent adult for many years so the idea that I should have had to check in with those I lived with if I wanted to stay somewhere else for the night is ridiculous, whether or not that person is a "host" or a flatmate.
Texting someone to say that you are staying out will not improve safety. If anything it could do the opposite e.g. there is no mobile signal in my house so if someone wanted to send a text they would have to walk out into the street. Not a great idea in the middle of the night.

Oh I'm sorry Marynary. When you said 'my parents only expect me to text them, because I normally do....' I took that to mean you lived with your parents. I apologise if I was wrong.

I'll make my point again, as you don't seem to be understanding what I'm taking - the key issue ISNT safety - as you say, texting in itself doesn't stop someone being in a dangerous position, the key point is it is a courtesy and recognition of the worry others might feel otherwise.

You insist that no-one has any concern for anyone apart from immediate family and so won't care - perhaps that is your experience of others, I don't know...but lots of people DO care and typically hosts of aupairs DO have concern for them, and that is part of the deal....the au pair comes to live with a family and be part of the family.....it is different to being a lodger. And secondly, you say someone shouldn't have to check in - you see it's not about checking in, it's about being aware that someone else might worry and so taking a simple step to stop that.....and most people will do this through choice.
In non au pair situations I'm sure an individuals can refuse to let their friends/family know if they have a sudden change of plan and decide to stay away over night, or even for a week or however long....they CAN do that...it is their choice to do so.....but if we are talking about doing that to friends or family you live with, I think most would consider it selfish and unfair. Wouldn't you be concerned if a friend you lived with didn't come home for a few days, when you were expecting them to be there as normal?

In an au pair situation, the au pair lives in the home of the host. They have freedom to do what they wish to in their own time. However, based on the fact that they live 7 days a week with the host and the host does sign up to be interested in the welfare of the au pair (and that IS part of the agreement) then it would be perfectly reasonable for them to ask the au pair to drop them a quick text if they change their over night plans. If they are not prepared to do that, a host would be entitled to say that they cannot have someone living in their house on that basis. I really cannot see that it would come to that, because most au pairs ARE responsible enough to realise staying away all night when their housemates are expecting them home might cause worry, so be happy to avoid that.

MaryNary, can you see that the au pair and host relationship is different to random flat sharing with people you don't know and barely speak to, or the relationship between employer and employee who don't live together?
Would you ever consider having an au pair yourself? If you did, would you have no interest whatsoever in that person who has come to be part of your family for a year, probably away from home for the first time?

I think I'm off now. Grapejuice puts it well - if she wasn't coming home, she would tell the au pair and would expect the same consideration from them.
Simple really.

"Most of my friends were living alone by 21. I moved out at 18. I'm just 30, for context."

Well most of mine weren't but i realise that my norm doesn't mean that everyone everywhere else is the same. Do we know what the norm is for all the different countries/ areas?

I'll make my point again, as you don't seem to be understanding what I'm taking - the key issue ISNT safety - as you say, texting in itself doesn't stop someone being in a dangerous position, the key point is it is a courtesy and recognition of the worry others might feel otherwise.

ChocolateWombat Are you a teacher or do you work in a school by any chance as you seem you seem to think that anyone who doesn't agree with you is immature or "doesn't understand". I don't disagree with you because I "don't understand" or because I am immature. I just disagree with you because I have a different point or view.

I don't agree that housemates or hosts are that concerned if a mature adult stays out at night. OP didn't even notice that the au pair didn't come home and I am sure that that is generally case. It certainly shouldn't cause a sleepness night etc. If a mature adult goes out for the night with friends I would assume that they are safe and I certainly wouldn't insist that they text me to let me know that they are staying out, particularly as I know from experience that it is not always feasible or safe to text.

I don't have an au pair, but some of my friends do. There is big difference between a very young OP and one in their mid/late 20s.

I'm in London. Although the cost of rent is high, I don't know anyone who was still living at home at 25. Most have full time jobs, married/ engaged, rented or trying to buy and often a baby by 25. They would laugh at having to report home to anyone other than the babysitter incase they are late.

Yes if this was an 18 year old au pair, it would be very different.

Not everyone lives in London, strange i know.