Advice needed - au pair went out last night, didn't get home

[Farandole]

She is 25, French, has been with us for a month. We're in London. She left around 8pm last night, didn't say she was not coming back for the night. Just got up to see she isn't home. She has not mentioned a boyfriend, either here or at home.

Should I call/text her now? Or wait until later?

Bam - yes I know. But usually the reason adults in their mid 20s are still living at home is the high cost of rent. I'm pointing out that even in London with probably the highest rent in the UK, it's unusual imo to be all living at home still at 25. Most are fully independent with own families. Out of London this will be higher surely

I'd imagine as many young people leave their towns to go live in London to work or study then it's par for the course that they have to flat share etc. I think also big cities like London where most folk seem to often be from somewhere else - creates that expectation of "moving out" - more so than smaller towns and areas with less movement of people. Also where i grew up, private rental flats etc were few and far between and most young people coudn't afford a mortgage on their own.

I also wonder what is the norm for the countries where many of these au pairs come from.

The norm in Europe is to go to local universities and live at home. The norm is also that degrees take longer....so often someone finishing Uni may well be 25 and never have lived away from home. Au pairs tend to be pre or post degree.

Tbh if the au pair was 40 (unlikely) but living with a host family, as part of the family, I'd imagine they would CHOOSE to text to say they weren't coming home, if they had a sudden change of plan. It wouldn't be because they felt the need to ask permission or explain their whereabouts, just as a courtesy, which as an older person, they would be likely to grasp.

An au pair can't legally be 40.

I realise that. It was a comment intended to be about maturity and an appreciation of the potential worries of others.

People who still live at home at 25 are in my view pathetic scroungers or cowards with doormat or clingy parents.

* People who still live at home at 25 are in my view pathetic scroungers or cowards with doormat or clingy parents *

Bloody hells bells, that's rather a sweeping (and untrue) statement!

I was at home unti 26 - and was certainly none of those, nor was my darling, lovely mum, in fact she encouraged me to leave (in the nicest way so I could live my life).

People who still live at home at 25 are in my view pathetic scroungers or cowards with doormat or clingy parents.

I'm 27 at home because i'm disabled...

Not a scrounger though becuase i work.

Tbh if the au pair was 40 (unlikely) but living with a host family, as part of the family, I'd imagine they would CHOOSE to text to say they weren't coming home, if they had a sudden change of plan. It wouldn't be because they felt the need to ask permission or explain their whereabouts, just as a courtesy, which as an older person, they would be likely to grasp.

There you go again. Patronising anyone who doesn't agree with you by suggesting that they aren't mature enough to have an understanding of courtesy.

Well I am well over 40 and I don't agree that a text is a necessary courtesy at all. I certainly wouldn't expect a mature adult to text me. I would have the courtesy to assume that they are mature/intelligent enough to stay save on a night out with their friends and I also have the maturity and experience to realise that not every house or building in the UK has a good mobile reception and it is not always feasible or safe to send a text.

save safe

I had a chat with AP tonight (she spent the day in bed on Sunday). She went clubbing with friends, they left the club at 4am and went to have food as of the APs had no night bus to her part of London. The other APs didn't want to leave her alone, so they all stayed out. AP said it was fun but exhausting, she wants to see London at weekends so unlikely to be doing this regularly.

Marynary, I'm afraid I simply can't understand your POV. It is true that I didn't have a sleepless night because of this, but I might have, and was a bit worried in the morning when I found out she hadn't come home. Surely unless you actively dislike someone, you would have the curtesy to text them so they do not worry about you? I think it is somewhat lacking in empathy not to consider the impact of your decisions on others. A text takes five seconds to send, it is not that big a burden.

By the way AP apologised to me (unprompted). I told her not to worry about it.

Farandole, your AP and her friends sound so lovely and caring. Thanks for the update and glad she will text you next time.

The amount of proxy nosiness masquerading as concern, of oooh-so YOU-think-that's-OK mannersiness and of just plain BS on this thread is staggering. Why in the name of **aroth would anyone presume to place themselves in loco parentis to a presumably sane and fit 25-y-o?

The only reason to be bothered about in/out status of an adult AP is if the drawbridge needs pulling up and the starving mastiffs are yet to be unleashed. And if security is that much of an issue, then that discussion should have happened at the outset, not several weeks in.

Oh, and the police would have the hell of a giggling fit if anyone rang about this kind of situation. Although I'm sure they'd try not to piss themselves too copiously be polite.

Kungpo
'Why in the name of **aroth would anyone presume to place themselves in loco parentis to a presumably sane and fit 25-yold?'
Because that's exactly what having an au pair entails. The host family is in loco parentis

And how many families would be quite so anxious about a 25-y-o son or daughter, all else being equal?
Sorry, I think the OP was being overanxious, verging on intrusive, although no doubt from the kindest of motives and many subsequent posters were just plain barking.

What, in the name of * is *aroth? :)

Yes. I can't think of any situation whereby I was sharing a house with anyone and wouldn't want to make arrangements to know if they weren't coming home at night.
As I tell my teenage daughters, I'm not worried about what you're doing I just want to know you're not dead in a ditch.

MN has got to be the only place where everyone over thinks and reads far too much into a trivial problem. If you want to know if she's ok, you send a quick breezy text going something like this:

"You ok?"
"Yep, will be out all night"
"Cool"

The end.

Or just have her send a quick text saying "Not gonna be home tonight" and you can go "Cool, have fun".

Anyone that takes a text like that at anything other than face value has deeper issues that have nothing to do with a person being a little worried about someone uncharacteristically not coming home that night.

I rent out rooms in my home periodically. When I lived in London, I rented a room to a young trainee doctor who was doing a medical rotation in Central London. She arrived from CAnada on the evening of July 6, 2005 and went off to work the next morning on the tube. As some of you may remember, that morning a series of bombs went off, one was at the stop where she was getting off right about when she was due to get to it. I was in a complete panic. I realized that I had no contact information for her family or anyone connected to her and had no idea whether she had survived or not. Luckily, she had the sense and thoughtfulness to get on the internet at work and email (phones were jammed) not only her parents but me to say that she was alive and well and working on the wounded being brought to the hospital. Ever since then, I have made a point of asking all my lodgers to give me contact information for someone, if something were to happen to them and to please just send me a text if they were going to be out for the night. Not once has anyone ever taken it as anything other than a concerned gesture on my part for their well-being. No one has ever said, mind your own business.

Farandole I would probably text someone if I could. I just wouldn't appreciate being told that I had to particularly as it isn't always feasible or safe to do so. When I was a young adult, it was the norm where I lived to stay at other peoples houses and indeed it was often safer to do so. There were also no mobile phones so no opportunity to text. I would have been a bit insulted if someone was worried because they assumed that I wasn't sensible or intelligent enough to stay safe and look after myself.

Because that's exactly what having an au pair entails. The host family is in loco parentis

Not if the au pair is 25

Well obviously Au Pair arrangements are whatever you agree. When I was one the host family didn't feed me and literally just wanted me to collect the boys from school. I had a separate flat (chambre de bon) and could easily have been dead in a ditch somewhere for days. I wasn't letting myself into their flat when I came home and they really weren't interested.
If someone is coming back to my house after I've gone to bed I'd like a text to let me know if they won't be there in the morning. I'm not the morality police, l just don't want the angst of wondering whether someone's in trouble or having a fab time.

I don't get this. Its her day off what does it have to do with anyone what time she gets back? A simple text "hi just checking you're ok?" would suffice. Id say nothing more than that. Im sure she won't mind replying when she sees the text, in her own time. In her shoes if I came back to a sit-down talk about safety, stating what time Id be back, I may have to lock doors/put on alarm so need to know etc anything of that ilk I wouldn't stay in the job much longer. Its intrusive and would make me uncomfortable. Even if she is in your home she is an employee - and an adult.

That's the point, she's not an employee. The au pair's host has no duties to pay minimum wage or sick pay, but only if the au pair is living as a member of the family. Obviously with a 25 year old it's a bit less parental than the classic au pair arrangement but it's still not a hands-off live-in employee relationship.

Treating an au pair as part of the family should involve sharing meals with the au pair and giving them a room to live in in the house. It doesn't (or shouldn't) involve parenting them, particularly if they are 25. A 25 year old doesn't need a parent. They can look after themselves and what they do when they are out of the house and not working is really not the host's business.