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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I may be single forever que violins

50 replies

Hollymay45 · 16/09/2015 20:51

I am sick of seeing old friends and the first thing I'm always asked is "have you met anyone nice yet" then giving me a patronising speech about "not being so picky".
I am 37 and have a teenage DD I have been single for 5 years. I have been on dates in this 5 years but just not met anyone I have had any chemistry with. I am in an occupation which is over run with females, I have tried online dating (yet to find a cheap/ non creepy one? ) and just can't afford to get out as much as I'd like.

I'm not really unhappy/desperate it's only when I am constantly reminded/advised I feel a bit down. Apparently with age chemistry goes with age (according to some "friends" ) and I'd be better off just settling. On top of the fact I don't want to "just settle" I think having a teenager and a new man might be pretty hard to manage! Anyone got any advice/decent dating tips?! Been made to feel like some crazy spinster at a reunion today Grin

OP posts:
MrsLeighHalfpenny · 16/09/2015 20:53

What's that got to do with violins?Hmm

spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 20:54

It tends to be what people bring out to play sad music

spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 20:55

It's just a turn of phrase Grin

Chillyegg · 16/09/2015 20:55

The op was clearly making a joke half penny.
No you shouldn't settle ignore yout friends the special one will come along.

CassieBearRawr · 16/09/2015 20:57

Whaaaat never settle! I mean, unless you're disregarding chaps because you don't quite like the shade of his hair or he hangs his towels a weird way or slurps when he drinks or something daft like that.

SheepishWoolf · 16/09/2015 21:38

I think the problem is that you don't know what to do with your violins. Either you 'cue' them, or you 'queue' them. If you 'que' them, if one or other of you is French, they think you are shrugging your shoulders and asking "so what?" So either cue a few cute violinists to come in when you need them. Or queue up a few candidates to audition and see you what you like the look of. But if you stand there shrugging and giving out like you're not bothered, they won't be either... even if they're French. Get out there and good luck!.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/09/2015 21:46

Or Spanish. What?

sumoweeble · 16/09/2015 22:11

Aww, are you feeling a little lonely sometimes so you feel sensitive to what your friends are saying? I relate. I really crave intimacy with a forever loving partner sometimes and wish I could meet someone amazing and fast forward to that right away! But chemistry is nothing to do with age, imo. And 37 is hardly old! (At least, it'd better not be as it's five years younger than fairly newly single me!) Don't listen to these "friends"- "better off settling" just sounds shit!

Perhaps they're a little jealous that you are NOT settling at any cost, that you are appropriately picky and don't have to make the compromises that some of them will be making in order to keep their relationships relatively stable. Even in great relationships there are compromises to be made. You don't need a man at any price. You want a fab, fanciable lovely one. Remind yourself of the excellent freedoms and adventure of the single life.:)

Online dating wise, ok cupid is free and relatively non-creepy as far as I can see from dipping a toe in the water. I've not gone on any dates yet as not quite ready but had lots of messages and only a v small proportion have been obviously sleazy.

TrueBlueYorkshire · 16/09/2015 22:40

At 37 all the good men have been taken. Your only option is going to be younger men!

Titsywoo · 16/09/2015 22:42

Wow way to make someone feel better - picking on their grammatical/spelling errors. Mumsnet at it's finest yet again Hmm

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 16/09/2015 22:50

That's not true TrueBlueYorkshire all of my partners have been older than 37 when I got together with them (DH excepted) and I have found quite the opposite to be true Grin.

OP, don't just settle, that's awful advice!

BrandNewAndImproved · 16/09/2015 22:55

Agree titsy there's a pendant corner for the pendants.

This thread is depressing I'm having this at 27 can't imagine how many years I can take of pitying looks and shit advice about being to hard work and picky. I'm quite happy being single btw and I'm refusing to settle to. You need chemistry otherwise how ever will you bring yourself to shag him/her?

Feel free to pick apart my post grammar police Wink

SubUrbaneFox · 16/09/2015 22:58

I am facing up to the same realisation. I think at 45 I'm too old. Which is ridiculous. And sad. But it seems to be the case. Even men 5-8 years older than me are looking (on line) for younger women. I never meet anybody in real life. Friends were trying to persuade me a while ago to go for older men. Like even older that 5-8 years older?! ffs.

wasonthelist · 16/09/2015 23:13

Er ... as a single 53 year old with a 7 yo DD may I offer a little sympathy and perspective?

Since Dp and DD left 3 years ago, I've a had a single relationship that lasted a few months. I must be the only bloke in the world (apparently) looking for someone his own age - but reading many women's online dating profiles can be a depressing list of reasons why I'll also be single for ever*. The evil truth is that you can't force this stuff - I have given up on online dating. In fact I have given up and will just wait and see.

I think online dating creates an artificial expectation about compatibility. Truth is, when you find someone attractive at work/in a pub/ on TV etc, you aren't looking at a 3 page list of their hobbies etc.

Don't settle - it's worse :)

I sympathise - but it (may) happen when you least expect it.

*Many women on OLD seem also only to be interested in younger men. Also as I got started late, many are empty nesters who now wish to swan off on foreign holidays without a care in the world - whilst I still have DD to think of (I see her on a regular basis) - quite a lot of profiles specifically state "no young children".

wasonthelist · 16/09/2015 23:20

Oh, I know it's a cliché, but the best way to deal with being single "forever" is to accept it and deal with it as it is. Although I'd like a partner, I have determined that a lack of one will not prevent me doing anything. Paradoxically of course, this independence can appear attractive....or that's the theory :)

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 16/09/2015 23:30

I wasted the whole of my 30s because I settled. It's the worst thing you can do.

Been single for a year now and I literally feel as if I've come back to life. I'm getting to know myself all over again. Yes, some people are starting to ask if I'm getting back into dating but for me to give up the freedom I have now, I'd have to be so utterly in love with a woman that I couldn't imagine life without her. Nothing else would be worth it.

emwithme · 16/09/2015 23:49

Three years ago next week my best mate met a bloke (was introduced by a mutual friend of theirs).

They get married next month, and their baby (first for both of them) is due in March.

She was 42 last birthday.

She never settled.

comingintomyown · 17/09/2015 13:51

I'm almost 50 single coming up for 6 years and two teens.

Not looked for anyone and nor have I met anyone when I least expected it ! Perhaps it's because I'm older OP but to me it's more a case of trumpets than violins , as I observe my peers in their solid marriages happy enough in some cases but far from it in others I think glad that's not me.

I agree with pp who said fine if I met someone who absolutely blew me away then ok I would have a relationship but not otherwise.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 17/09/2015 14:20

Trumpets, comingintomyown, that's it! And I appreciate it much more now than I did in my 20s because I've seen the other side.

RuffWearer · 17/09/2015 14:36

Point out to your friends that the continual questioning is a bit formulaic and Great Aunt Brenda- ish. In fact, it's the adult equivalent of asking small children what they had to eat at a birthday party.

Put it back on them - I would roll my eyes and exclaim 'Oh, X, not that again! Isn't there anything interesting going on in your life at the moment?'

Or if it keeps going, ask them if they've met anyone nice, and if they say 'What do you mean, I'm married!', look pitying at their naïveté and give them some statistics about marriage. Or say that every single OLD date you've been in has featured a man with a suspicious pale strip of skin on his ring finger...

MyIronLung · 17/09/2015 16:55

Op, I'm also 37 with a teenager and a 4 year old. I'm pretty sure I'll be alone forever and it's a depressing thought.
Like you, I'm not actively looking/desperate for a relationship but I don't want to be alone/lonely forever and it really doesn't help when people keep pointing out that you're still single, just in case, you know, you've managed to forget that you're a social pariah!
also, why oh why do some 'happily' married women think all singletons want to steal their dhs away?!

Sazzle41 · 17/09/2015 18:47

Try Encounters - at least they all professional men unlike Match which seemed to be a holding room for the dispossessed and frankly, the odd. I am mid 40's never settled, but have met someone there my age who isn't a Londoner like me and wanted a woman his age (I did find London men have a very rigid, ageist tick list)

Justaboy · 19/09/2015 15:47

myiornlung *

"also, why oh why do some 'happily' married women think all singletons want to steal their dhs away"?!

Now that an interesting observation, as I'm seeing exactly the same thing here but from a male point of view.

Since i split from the other half and that was over year ago and her away in another country I have noticed that married former "friends" have all but disappeared seeming they, their husbands, get hot under the collar if i should even look let alone speak to their wife's!.

FWIW none of then interest me at all and i don't do affairs so I don't know why this should be perhaps there're just insecure. My former wife was very attractive and quite a bit younger than me and I knew that she got chatted up and other men did talk to her inc one from across the way who was the most lecherous wally around and was a constant flirter, she couldn't stick him anyway but it now seems as If I've developed some weird disease perhaps I should have a bell and ring it an shout;

"Unclean and dangerous threat to your missus!" like lepers did in mediaeval times!.

Bizarre that..

miaowroar · 19/09/2015 16:44

At 60 years old, female and single for the last 12 years I think I trump everyone's cards here. Wink

Who wants to go out with a woman of 60? Nobody it would seem. Well, not 60-year-old men, they all want someone 10-15 years younger. I would have liked someone my own age but have accepted now that it's not going to happen.

I have considered older, but people say then I will end up being a nurse - but in any case I haven't met anyone of any age who was remotely interested.

WhatDoesTheUrbaneFoxSay · 19/09/2015 17:08

I'm the same miaowroar. I am getting nowhere because I don't want to date men 10-15 years older. I get men your age messaging me. I have changed my settings so that nobody more than 7 years older can message me. So I get about one message a week. I message men a few years older than me ALL the time and 9 times out of then they don't reply, even though it's obvious I've read their profile. The men who message me who aren't ancient come across as needy or boring or I can see that they are unattractive.