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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's clothing for a memorial service

28 replies

Toofewshoes · 11/09/2015 08:32

We are attending a large memorial service for a family member and my DH and MIL want the children in full school uniform. I would rather they were not of their full uniform, they will wear the trousers/skirt and shirt/blouse with their jumpers but I think their blazers unneccessary. They are 10, 8 and 4. What would you do?

OP posts:
Catsize · 11/09/2015 08:34

Personally, I wouldn't put them in school uniform at all. Why would you? No slogan tops though - that may be inappropriate.

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2015 08:40

I think school uniform is a strange choice. But if it's a member of DH's family and that's what he wants, then they should wear the whole lot-I would probably put a 10 year old in a jacket for a formal occasion, and if he's wearing his blazer the others should too.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 11/09/2015 08:41

I think uniforms are generally used because it's the smart clothes kuds own. Especially if it's private school with Blazers. (Or I'd agree cat but j don't think we're talking about the normal logoed polo and sweatshirt)
Op I'd actually leave the jumpers out and just use the shirt tie and blazer more like an adult suit.
That's what my younger brother and sister wore to our grandparents funeral 15 years ago.
Admirably before that I'd never heard of wearing uniform to services but I went to school with logoed polo and sweatshirt

Catsize · 11/09/2015 08:44

Sorry Naught, when I said slogan tops, I didn't mean logos on school uniform, but children's tops with phrases/words on.

Birdsgottafly · 11/09/2015 08:44

Depends on who the Memorial Service is for.

If it's MILs DP, then I'd respect her wishes.

If it's a close relative of you all, then you decide together.

We'll have a funeral happening shortly and the children will be in Smart Dark/Winter coloured clothing.

I've attended lots of funerals were children have attended and there's always been a mix of what's worn, no-one has ever commented.

Original poster
Toofewshoes · 11/09/2015 08:49

We have already had the family funeral and they wore dark colours. This is a memorial and have been told by DH's step mother we do not need to wear black but there are lots of FIL friends and work collegues going.

I just thought it was a bit prententious. I am wearing a grey spotty joules dress and children have not other jackets or formal clothes. I was going for smart but casual.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 11/09/2015 08:51

I would just expect them neat and tidy. If boys, dark (black or navy) pants and a plain shirt, perhaps with a tie if the 10 and 8 year old. Just the pants and a shirt for the 4 year old. If girls, just a subdued colour dress or skirt or pants with a nice top. Perhaps a bow in the hair in a nice bright colour if you know the deceased had a favourite colour. I wouldn't expect littlies in full suits or even in black, but I would expect subdued colours and neat and tidy, with proper shoes, no trainers.

I would find it a bit strange to see children in school uniform for a funeral of someone who wasn't associated with a school.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 11/09/2015 08:51

Ah cat I miss read your post so I also Appolgise.

My point remains though if it's a school with a logoed polo and logo sweatshirt I'm not sure I'd pick school uniform then of course cat your point about no sloganed tops remains!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 11/09/2015 08:56

Hum as its not the actual funeral or the first service for him I'm not sure why the school uniform at all. Because I would also go for. I think in that circumstance dress rules would be relaxed a little. I'd agree with midnite shirt/blouse tie, surely that's what most of the adults will be wearing!

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2015 08:58

Ah, it's FIL.

Whatever DP and MIL want, then. Their call.

Why on earth is wearing a blazer pretentious?

BarbarianMum · 11/09/2015 09:02

I think it would be reasonable to go with what your dh and his mother want, given the occasion.

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/09/2015 09:02

What a bizarre request! Could it be because she thinks you would dress them inappropriately? I personally wouldn't put any of them in ties. A smart polo or shirt and trousers for the boys and a smart dress for the girl would be fine.

AuntieStella · 11/09/2015 09:02

It's not pretentious, as it's a tradition dating from when people simply did not own as many clothes as they do now, and uniform would have been the only 'smart' clothes a child owned. So it became accepted as the norm for formal occasions, even when not school-based.

As your ILs adhere to this tradition and have requested it, I'd follow it for their sake.

MythicalKings · 11/09/2015 09:03

Agree, do what the chief mourners want, it's good manners.

Witchend · 11/09/2015 09:10

If it's fil than dp and mil have call unless it's ridiculous.

However I think smart trousers, shirt tie and blazer would be pretty appropriate, particularly if they're used to wearing it every day.

Backforthis · 11/09/2015 09:11

Is the uniform idea a reaction to how they were dressed at the funeral?

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2015 09:12

"What a bizarre request! Could it be because she thinks you would dress them inappropriately? I personally wouldn't put any of them in ties. A smart polo or shirt and trousers for the boys and a smart dress for the girl would be fine."

Did you notice that the OP's DP wants it too?

Original poster
Toofewshoes · 11/09/2015 09:13

Thank you all for your input. I will take them. The children can wear them for 5 mins and discard them.

With regard to it being pretentious I believe it is as the wearing of the blazers is just so 'other people' see that our children go to prep school. They would look perfectly smart, neat and presentable with out their school blazers. But I will not rock the boat on this occasion.

OP posts:
W00t · 11/09/2015 09:14

It's very old fashioned for children to wear uniform to a funeral, particularly as many children have dark coloured clothing in their wardrobes nowadays.
How do the children feel? A 10yo can certainly express an opinion.

W00t · 11/09/2015 09:17

Ah, well IMO the jackets of many prep schools are far too gaudy for funerary wear!

BoskyCat · 11/09/2015 09:20

Well I think it is daft, but yes you should be dictated to by the people closest to the deceased, and whatever they want. So you just have to suck it up.

IME people in general don't mind what children wear to a funeral or similar. Usually they are just happy to see children.

BUT you have to go with what the bereaved ask for and it would be provocative to kick up a fuss or just go against their wishes.

I'd take the blazers but allow them to take them off if they feel hot or stuffy.

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2015 09:25

"The children can wear them for 5 mins and discard them."

Or they could wear them as the chief mourners want them to? Why on earth would you go against their wishes?

BoskyCat · 11/09/2015 09:51

Well I think letting them take them off if they are uncomfortable is a valid reason. After all other people might take their coats off.

BertrandRussell · 11/09/2015 09:54

They wear them all day at school- surely they'd be able to keep them on for an hour at a service to please their dad and grandma? People will take their coats off, but not their jackets if they are wearing them.

BoskyCat · 11/09/2015 09:59

We never wore ours all day at school! It wasn't a prep school but I really hope school aren't making kids wear blazers in classrooms. What if it's hot!?