I know I am, but social media

[Bejeena]

A few months back I had a miscarriage and it has been tough for me ever since. I found a few days ago that my sister in law is pregnant, via social media (allbeit a private message to me and DH but still)

Am I right to be upset about the way she told us?. Isn't this something you pick up the phone and talk to your brother about when his wife has had a hard time (and she knows how upset I have been)

I guess it saddens me because I should already have a big bump and the pregnancy glow and it all seems to have been forgotten that I might be sensitive towards it.

Arghhhhhh please go gentle on me, but I probably need a slap with a wet fish.

They probably felt really awkward about telling you. This was probably the easiest way for them.

Of course you're sad, but please try not to let this upset you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think YABU, but also don't know how they could do this in any way to make it better for you.

Big hug, and hope things are different for you soon. x

Well I thought she would have just called my husband, her brother or even messaged asking how I was doing before just announcing it like that.

I am trying not to let it upset me but it is hard and I feel so alone.

Sorry for your loss ×

They may have wanted you to know in private so you could react how you wanted to

(Don't worry about it being social media, think more about it was a private message so it could have been email or text, they may have picked it so they could see if you had read it....so they knew to give you some time)

Maybe they thought if it was a message you could process it privately rather than have to put on a show on the phone?

Very sorry for your loss. There's no right way of dealing with this x

Poor you, mc is so awful and sad
And I think you need to have been through it to realise how long it affects you. I wouldn't blame them for that, I had no idea.
I think fb private message is not social media - it's an email.
I have read plenty of people on here say they'd rather be told that way so they can process it in private in their own time.

I totally understand your upset, but I think you should move on, from this about the message, I don't think TABU.

I always think that telling someone via a medium where the don't feel like they have to mask their reaction is a kind gesture - a phone call is quite immediate, and doesn't leave you time to compose yourself if you need a minute to get the congratulations out. They probably thought that they were being kind and sensitive about it, but they can't pretend that she isn't pregnant, so trying to tell you in a way that let's you react however you want and having time to compose a suitable response might have been their intention. Sorry for your situation - I hope you feel better about it soon.

When I couldn't conceive and it seemed that everyone I knew was becoming pregnant I much preferred it when friends/relatives sent me a text message/email rather than tell me or my husband over the phone or in person, it helped me to cry, rant and curse them in private and immediately. I'm really sorry you had a miscarriage, it's a horribly sad and unfair time.

The thing is, they are probably feeling really happy, yet quite guilty and possibly embarrassed at the same time.

They might not have trusted themselves to get the right tone/words out over the phone.

My sister told me on the phone when we were in the same situation. She was really upset because she didn't know what to say. She knew I would be really angry and devastated and I was. I didn't talk to her for a while. Years later I still think she got pregnant with that 3rd, not really wanted or planned DC, just to get at me. Oh well. That's families for you. It wouldn't have made any difference how they told you. Sorry for your loss.

I suspect they were trying to be kind to you by giving you some distance to process the news. You might have preferred a phone call but they weren't to know that. It is difficult to strike the right tone in these situations and they probably thought a message was safer so they could draft carefully. (If the message showed no sign of sparing a thought for your feelings then that's different and YANBU).

It is hard - my brother and SIL suffered a miscarriage and want nothing to do with my baby as a result. I know they are hurting and their reaction is allowed, but it hurts me too.

Sorry for your loss. To be honest, I think it might have been the kindest way to do it. You were always going to find it tough, at least this way you and DH got to digest the news in private without feeling you had to make a false show of happiness.

Thanks for all the wise words. I guess perhaps it probably was the kindest way and I already feel a lot better about it. It is just rubbish timing as my inlaws are coming to stay with us for a few days and I know they won't be able to stop talking about it, naturally and I just think if I had more time to get used to would probably be better.