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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/08/2015 17:44

I'd report him for abuse.

Purplepoodle · 02/08/2015 17:45

If the relationship is continuing I would have him at your house and that's the only place she can meet him. At least then you have some control of the situation and what he is doing

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2015 17:45

My DDs relationship went from Verbally abusive to physical, around the same age, what ended it was her gaining self confidence and emotionally maturing (a bit more).

I didn't "ban" it, but set my own and household boundaries and made sure that they were stuck to.

Luckily she remained honest with me and we communicate well.

Blueberrybaby · 02/08/2015 17:46

I'm no expert, my DD Is only 2 but I was 15 once. You need to do the exact opposite to what you are doing. Hard as it sounds Don't ban him, welcome him and be there for your daughter when it falls apart. The more you demonise him, ban him etc the more she will run to him. Your reasonable behaviour in comparison to his twattish behaviour will be all the more highlighted. What do her friends think?

Mairyhinge · 02/08/2015 17:46

She's 15. Do everything you can to stop her seeing him. Ban him, ground her. And make her fully aware how abusive he is being and that people who love each other don't treat each other that way.
I'd also be tempted to have a 'quiet' word with him.
back the fuck off or I will come after you

Please stop this now before she's older and you've less power.

Timetoask · 02/08/2015 17:46

No boy would me talking to my daughter like that!!! I would have intetevened and told him to never dare describe her in those terms.

Timetoask · 02/08/2015 17:47

Does she have a good male role model at home? One that shows her how to treat women with respect?

expatinscotland · 02/08/2015 17:47

I'd report him for abuse.

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2015 17:48

""I'd report him for abuse.""

To who?, he's a fifteen year old kid.

Let's face it, they aren't mature enough to be in the level of "relationships" that they get the messages they should be in.

They're kids.

ghostyslovesheep · 02/08/2015 17:48

I would talk to him 1-1 and tell him just how unacceptable his abusive language was

then I keep letting my daughter now she is worth more - every hour and every day

I give her stuff to look at about abuse and I'd maybe get her dad or someone to talk to me like that in front of her - she might realise what's happening

Mrsjayy · 02/08/2015 17:49

I would only let her see him at yours tbh and i would say something about what you heard

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:55

I think part of her wants out the other part can't bare to let go. I am a single mother so she doesn't have a male role model at home.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 02/08/2015 17:58

Please please keep showing her you care.

My mum never did, and it was only afterwards and I'd finally broken up with him that she told me she knew how awful he'd been and wished I'd broken up with him.

Whilst I was with him my parents condoning of the relationship reinforced the idea to me that I wasn't worth more.

Finola1step · 02/08/2015 17:58

I'd be tempted to go in hard. Sit her down to watch "Murdered by my boyfriend". Then tell her that if she insists on still seeing him, at your house only.

Ahemily · 02/08/2015 18:01

Little bastard! I'd be absolutely horrified if my DS ever spoke to someone that way. I'd call his parents.

TTWK · 02/08/2015 18:03

*She's 15. Do everything you can to stop her seeing him. Ban him, ground her.

This is the perfect way to push her further into his clutches. If you want them to get married in 3 years, this is the answer.

Mrsjayy · 02/08/2015 18:04

The stats for teenage domestic abuse are skechy because kids are either trapped or feel they are not listened to a boy who calls his girlfriend a cunt isnt going to suddenly change when he is an adult unless his behaviour is challanged

FishCanFly · 02/08/2015 18:05

Talk to his parents if possible?

Mrsjayy · 02/08/2015 18:07

Tell her what you heard say they may have had a arguement or something but him calling her names is not on say i know he is your boyfriend but..

expatinscotland · 02/08/2015 18:08

Well, in truth, Birds, if it were my daughter, I would arrange a little trip for us. To my sister's. Here, abroad, where children are minors until 18. I would transfer her guardianship to my sister and her husband and she would never see this fuckwit again for at least 3 years, during which time she would receive counselling for abused partners.

I would have come down hard on this abusive arsewipe.

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 18:09

DD defends him and says I don't hear what she says. I do and its usually "why are you being so horrible, why is everything always my fault". I want to call his parents but I'm not sure of that would stop DD confiding in me and she would just make a secret about it.

I tell her every day she is worth so much more but she "loves" him.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 02/08/2015 18:09

Have a look at this leaflet - maybe print off a copy for your DD if you think it might ring a bell for her.
www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97775/teen-abuse-leaflet.pdf

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 18:12

Like fuck would you expatinscotland.

The kid is a dick, tell him that you can hear him and that if he carries on you'll sling him out on his arse.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 18:12

Exactly MrsJay, a teenage abuser will probably be an adult who abuses. I would fill her up with self esteem, confidence, the tools to leave him. Like somebody said, he can only see dd in my house with me present. I woukd encourage her to develop hobbies of go out with her friends, so she is away from him.

bopoityboo3 · 02/08/2015 18:15

Are they at the same school? When terms starts again I'd talk to her head of year as they might have noticed a change in her behaviour/ confidence and be able to point you towards or offer counselling for her and him. I also would be limiting her access to him to in your house only. As well as contacting his parents to talk it through with them - do you know his folks would this behaviour surprise them?

Try to keep the communication open and make it clear to her that you are always there no matter what that you will always be there to listen and help when she needs you.