to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

[Lucyneedspeace]

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

[sleeponeday]

Hissy, most abusers don't kill. Most wreck lives instead - usually lots of them.

OP, I would get a copy of Why Does He Do That? and The Gift Of Fear and ask your daughter to read them both. One explains how knowing abusers are, and how to recognise them, and the other explains how to avoid being involved with one at all. She needs to understand that how he spoke to her is not normal, not acceptable, and was a choice on his part.

I'm sorry to say it, but as the child of a single mother you don't necessarily know how to read men well. When I was her age, I really, really wanted someone to love me, which is a worryingly vulnerable position for a young girl. I wish my mother had recognised that and tried to teach me, but as she picked terrible men all her life, perhaps not surprisingly she didn't.

My first serious bf was abusive. But I have been happily married for a decade to someone lovely, now. You can learn.

Expat . I thought of A, and all your family, last month.

[expatinscotland]

'You would transfer guardianship to your sister expatinscotland?

I don't believe you, it's a massive over reaction to a situation that can be dealt with so much easier than transferring guardianship.'

I certainly would. May do it in the future if DD decides she wants to go to high school there (they don't start high school until they are 14 there). I don't really give a fuck if you believe me or not. I don't know random internet sprites any more than they know me, or my life or my children.

[LadyLuck81]

I know this is the 'wrong' answer but I'd welcome him to my home and the second my daughter went to the loo tell him that if he ever treated my daughter in that way again, hurt her, or called her those names that I would report him and hang him out to dry. If so it in my best grown up terror inducing voice. If threaten to tell his parents too. If also tell him that if he told my daughter Id spoken to him that would have the same result.

That is not a grown up and mature adult way to handle it I appreciate...

[crustsaway]

Id call his mother immediately.
Id think about why my child accepts such behaviour and lead by example right now.

My son would never ever call a girl a cunt. He would never ever disrespect a girl or he'd have me to deal with.

You say you're a single parent and so am I. Thats not a bloody reason at all.

[crustsaway]

Welcome him into your home? really? what the hell is that showing your daughter? its acceptable to tell her shes a cunt and you want to kill her? ok then?

[WayneRooneysHair]

expatinscotland those circumstances are a bit different to the ones you mentioned a while ago

[Whipnaenae]

Sending her to school is a different point though Expat, one which has absolutely nothing to do with the situation described.
I just believe that by sending away a teenage girl, who is already going through a tough time, it could be far more damaging. Things like this do happen in America too and I would rather be there to protect my child myself.

[WayneRooneysHair]

Where has the BF told the DD that he wants to kill her?

[Ruledbycatsandkids6]

I have 2 dds your dds age and older. I would have demanded he leave the house immediately and never ever come round again.

I would inform the police about the verbal abuse to log it as an incident and tell his mother, the school. Tell her friends and put it on face book. Being open is the best way.

My dds have older brothers! They would be visiting him. Do you have any older make relatives? Could they talk to her? Meet her from school and give this bastard evil looks. No touch.

You need to be very firm here op and not collude with your dd to accept this. Bollicks that she tells you she lives him. Tell her no bloody way and watch her like a hawk.

[Lucyneedspeace]

crusts I have not actually replied to you yet you continue as if I have. I have not said I'd welcome him into my house. I Have had a long hard look at myself thank you and haven't blamed being a single parent?! I have not brought DD up to expect this behaviour or tolerate it.

[NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten]

He hasn'tsaid he wants to kill her crust - all the killing talk is from other posters

He's an unpleasant rude disrespectful verbally abusive little toe rag - most of those ddon'tkill anyone (though women killed by their partners are a massively under reported group it is not sensible to assume a disrespectful verbally unpleasant 15 year old is ddefinitely a murderer )

The melodrama aside what do you think your plan of action will be Lucy - obviosly you

[crustsaway]

Im on a thread surely OP, Im not speaking as if you've spoken to me? where on earth did that come from.

You do actually need to have a look at yourself to see where your daughter has this notion that boys can speak to her in that manner.

You find yourself in this predicament and dont want to know why?

Bizarre.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

I believe expat. I believe her because I'd do the same. I have family in a place far far away and if I had a DD being exposed to this she'd be off quicker than shit off a stick. I'd move heaven and earth to protect and remove her from this kind of thing.
Otherwise I'd have a friend of mine visit this boy. That is all.

[crustsaway]

YOU lead from a very young age and by your actions a child will learn.

[Hellion7433]

I would allow him at the house and show no disapproval. I would tell DD that you love her deeply and respect her decisions even though you mightn't agree with them. Then find ways for her to build up other good relationships. Film nights with pizza with friends. Sleep overs with friends. Get some Amazon books about confidence/relationships for her to read. Pay for some counselling so that she can talk to someone

[crustsaway]

Im with you all the way here Farfrom. I'd do whatever it took. Id also wonder why the hell she accepted that behaviour, what did I do, what has she seen? So yes, OP, you do need to take a look at yourself.

[feckitall]

I think Op I would be very tempted to have a BBQ soon, he would be invited, he and DD given 'jobs' to do..only no one else 'turns up'
...she would be sent to the local shop for a forgotten item whilst he is too busy to go with her..
Once she is out the way he and I would have a 'chat' up against the wall by the throat
it would be pointed out that if he ever speaks to DD or behaves inappropriately again the next time you meet he will be eating weetabix through a straw as a result...and if he values his health he will break off with her within the next few weeks himself. He will also not breath a word of the conversation or you will make sure his behaviour is on FB/Twitter before the end of the week.
I would make sure I scared the shit out of him!
I would then smile sweetly when DD comes back and make sure she thinks you and him are sweet now!

When DD was 16 she had a relationship with a 'man' we were a bit concerned about ..DH placed a pickaxe handle by the front door...nothing at all was said and he was 'welcomed' ..by the cat he was allergic to too ...he came a few times then broke it off

[AuntyMag10]

Why on earth have you allowed your 13 yo dd to start a relationship? She was just a child. Imo too young to have any business with relationships.

[Ahemily]

I feel for you, OP. I don't think it's fair to be vilified for this situation, you're clearly concerned enough to post here and clearly don't think this sort of behaviour is acceptable. I was raised by a strong, single mum but still ended up in an abusive relationship. It's not your fault.

[Lucyneedspeace]

Crusts if you read what you wrote above" You say you're a single parent and so am I. Thats not a bloody reason at all." "Welcome him into your home? really? what the hell is that showing your daughter? its acceptable to tell her shes a cunt and you want to kill her? ok then?" Is what you put I never said I'd welcome him and I never used being a single parent as an excuse. DD knows it is wrong she is just struggling to let go, he has not been in my house and as I've said several times their contact is very limited anyhow sometimes a month passes without them seeing each other sometimes longer. The abuse was over the phone and I'm reluctant to remove her phone as then her communication with friends goes as well and she is keeping busy doing things with them.
He never said he was going to kill her he called her vile names.
We are going on holiday for two weeks next week as far as I know she has no plans to see him before I am hoping the holiday will give her the head space she needs to move forward with her life without him in it. I am reluctant to go in on her/him all guns blazing as she won't confide in me as she has been. I think I'm also going to visit a family members caravan (which is a fair way away) and take a friend of hers that will take up the entire summer holidays!

[crustsaway]

Id actually say it was my fault. Id actually say that you know your child and where they are going beginning to head and steer them in a different direction... Id also say they may have a crush at 12 etc. but they certainly dont have a relationship of 2 years at 15. That is very not right.

Its happened now hasnt it. So you need to maybe be honest with your daughter and tell her why you dont want her to repeat your mistakes.

[NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten]

The posters suggesting thinly viele threats of violence towards a child (no matter how unpleasant) are as bad as he is! More importantly that could so easily backfire if he calls your bluff and goes to dd (who believes she loves him don't forget) with a "your mum's a nutter, you won't believe what she did" TRUE story and uses it to encourage the dd to see him behind her insane violent mother's back and lie to cover for him incase the mother carries out her violent threats...

[crustsaway]

Glad you've just clarified that OP... now you sound like you are handling it. Dont blame me for your short posts..

[Ahemily]

I don't blame my mum for my relationship decisions though, crusts. There could a million other factors at play.

feckit's BBQ idea is tempting! I'd still call his parents though, especially if we know they're strict and likely to bring him into line, the little shit.

[NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten]

Lucy I think you're on the right track.

If she hasn't got rid by September it might be worth talking to her head of year even though they're at different schools, to see if they have any ideas or contacts or programmes or councillors or anything at all to help build girls' self esteem.