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AIBU?

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:

Report

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 20:02

The boyfriend thing really kicks off at secondary school for sure. Mine hasn't been interested but it's very common. It seems pretty meaningless aged 12 though. And they can date about 3 in one week, which essentially means hanging out with 3 different boys at playtime. Or not hanging out with them and not even having eye contact.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:02

Ive never ever known a boy of 13 to call a girl cunt. why dont you think that a boy calling a girl a cunt not abusive Bugger?

Debs75 · 02/08/2015 20:03

what on earth is wrong with crusts?
op has not made any mention of why she is a single mum. why does it have to be her fault?
why is she allowing her dd to follow in her mistakes?
i don't get the abuse towards op and other posters at all. Maybe you could try to help op, that's what most of us post for

Todayisnottheday · 02/08/2015 20:03

Crusts children are the product of far more than parenting - unless you've kept them locked to you their entire lives with no other influence at all obviously

feckitall · 02/08/2015 20:04

True Nur..it could,but it worked and I know others that sent 'the cousins' round to deal with undesirable boyfriends.
All techniques/strategies have failure probabilities...grounding/welcoming/biding time etc
Teenage girls are remarkably stubborn and some can be determined that they are 'in love'..unless the boy is very keen too he will soon get the message.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 20:06

Thats why I said 'bugger' nur 20:01 Its didnt work!!!

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:07

Debs - to answer you, Op did mention she was a single mother.
She did say that her daughter had a relationship with a boy very early on.
She did say that the boy was now being abusive.

Today - Children, if having strong emotional grounding can actually make very right decisions all the way through.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/08/2015 20:07

Because crust you sound incredibly ignorant. You are not taking into account all the other varying factors related to child development. Children generally spend more of their waking hours at school. I do think the general society we live in has a lot to do with how we turn out.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 20:11

feckit

I am not a fan of the threats of violence. .. but either way it looks as if Lucy's dd is already on the right track and she has a good plan in place now to keep her dd busy/ distracted / away without physical intimidation or shipping her daughter overseas semi permanently without her consent :o

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:11

Bugger, you are the one that appears ignorant here. Yes of course they go to school etc and have peer pressure. But lets not forget the essence of good parenting. I have equipped my son to deal with this and not passed the buck to others. I lay no blame on a school etc. why on earth would I. That to me makes no damn sense other than damn bad parenting.

Quiero · 02/08/2015 20:11

I was in an abusive relationship when I was 15. It got so bad that I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my family when he was there as he was convinced that my mam was helping me plot how to sleep with other other boys. He even accused me of sleeping with my own brother. I was with him from 15 to 21. I eventually found the courage to leave it when he turned violent.

My mam never said anything. I really wish she had. I needed someone to tell me it wasn't normal.

lljkk · 02/08/2015 20:12

I wouldn't ban him, that will just make him into sexy bad boy.

I can't dump mine onto relatives (hard as it is to imagine, they are far more screwd up than me).

I might well tell his parents how upset I was because.... I would very try to remember the whole time how awful I'd feel if I found out my son had behaved like that & therefore treat them kindly.

I would try to keep line of comms open with my DD otherwise.

Debs75 · 02/08/2015 20:16

crusts yes i know all that. i want to know why you think op being a single mum is her fault when she hasn't disclosed reasons ?
you aren't being very helpful I'm afraid to anyone on the thread

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/08/2015 20:17

Out of interest, how old is your son crust?

And I'm still sticking with you being ignorant. You've made a lot of assumptions about people with no information. Tyou haven't based your opinions on fact. What any rational person would take from this thread is that the op is a fairly dedicated parent who, at the first sign of an issue, is enquiring about the best course of action.

It's obvious that the op has not provided an unhealthy environment for this relationship to breed in by the mere lack of time these children spend together.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 20:19

Yep Nur Sounds like OP has a good plan...lots of 'away' time, allowing DD space to see what an arsewipe idiot BF is!

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:23

what on earth are you on about Debs..? i said being a single parent doesnt allow you to be a bad parent? I personally, think that this isnt the first time in two years of her "childs relationship" that he hasnt abused her.

Where does the parent think its ok for her child to have such a long relationship? makes me very suspicious in the first place.

My child is sound and secure and has never felt the need to have an abusive 2 year relationship with anyone. So think on.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/08/2015 20:29

Well if he's like 10 that's hardly a fair comparison is it?

And I had a very long relationship from 13 till 19. It wasn't at all abusive and I still have plenty of respect for him. My parents were strict but supportive. Allowing your child to have a relationship at this age is not the sign of bad parenting you dictate it to be.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:32

So the OP is saying in 2 years this boy has never shown traits of the obvious? So the Op is saying in 2 years that the boy has been fantastic to her daughter?
So the OP is saying that it was ok for her daughter to even have a relationship at such a young age?

The OP did say she was a single parent. We dont know what the child has seen do we.

Really?

sunnydayinmay · 02/08/2015 20:35

I had a boyfriend at 15 - he was verbally abusive once, I dumped him straight away (he stalked me for a bit, and my mum ended up speaking to his parents).

My sister also had a bad relationship at that age - far worse than mine. My parents banned him from the house, but they met up outside. He stole from her, physically and verbally abused her and, I suspect, raped her.

The difference was that I was always far more self confident than her. But, also, I just happened to go away for two weeks when the verbal stuff started, and this gave me a chance to see the situation from outside (and meet other boys...).

Any chance she could become involved in a project/holiday/voluntary thing which wouldtake her away from him and give her some perspective?

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:35

So you think all of a sudden hes calling the OPs daughter a cunt is something out of the blue then bugger?

Im saying that the OP has actually been or still is in an abusive relationship and she is allowing her child to be in one due to her thinking its ok... ITS NOT

Debs75 · 02/08/2015 20:36

your first 2 posts were blaming the op and you haven't got much better since have you?

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:39

You are 100 percent right Debs. I am saying that its the OP's fault her daughter is in the position.. I am saying that the OP must have seen her daughter be compromised. YES I am.

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Debs75 · 02/08/2015 20:39

why are you banging on about ops reasons for being a single mum? my dsis was a single mum for years and her son never witnessed anything sinister

HeyDuggee · 02/08/2015 20:39

Woman calls police, Help my daughter was called a "cunt" by her 15 year old boyfriend. I think he may be verbally abusing her.

Woman calls police, Help my 15 year old son has just been verbally threatened with assault by an adult.

Do not threaten him with physical violence.
I would also not approach the parents - do you think he's copying this behaviour off the tele?!

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:40

I am saying she didnt guide her daughter in the right direction.

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