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AIBU?

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:

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crustsaway · 02/08/2015 19:35

Thats a great thing then Ahemily. You get me wrong then here. Im saying this child is a child and parents "should" lead by example. Your parents may not have and you chose to do the opposite and love them still, which is fantastic.

BMW6 · 02/08/2015 19:35

I would speak directly to the boy. Let him know how it feels to be intimidated.

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2015 19:38

""My dds have older brothers! They would be visiting him. ""

That wouldn't teach your DD why she shouldn't accept this behaviour.

Some of the reactions on here, would stop an abused female (whatever the age), speaking honestly and openly.

As said, teens shouldn't be taking "relationships" that seriously, but some do, Teen girls can be over emotional, it's going to be a shock to many, how little control and say they are going to have, in their young adult children's life.

OP, this will end, keep talking to her, calmly.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 19:38

The 'thinly veiled threat' would be bloody obvious believe me and he would know precisely howmuch I meant it..he is displaying abusive behaviour, he is not a small child, he knows what he is doing, he would get a very fast lesson in there is always someone bigger/stronger/nastier and if he wants to play that game being in the firing line himself is the risk he takes.

Ahemily · 02/08/2015 19:39

No crusts, I'm saying that my mum's parenting isn't what led to my ending up with an abuser later in life.

But anyway, it sounds like OP's got lots of good advice here - I wish you the best of luck, lucy.

sleeponeday · 02/08/2015 19:46

Lucy, it's hard, and I agree you're on the right track. I also agree with the poster saying threats of violence against a child, viscerally tempting as it admittedly is if your child is being abused, are no sort of solution or example, either.

Crusts, there was a rather entertaining social media story a couple of years ago, where a young video games journalist weighed in on sexism in the industry, and was met with the unfortunately usual rape threats. Some on Facebook. So she forwarded them to their mums, who were appalled, hugely apologetic ("OMG I'll kill him! I am so sorry, I didn't raise him that way, I can't believe it!") and promised to deal with it. Very plausibly.

The point being: good mothers most unfortunately can raise young men capable of this. (And most violent men seem to have mothers convinced it's all lies, and their child incapable of it, too.) You hope, you believe, you do your best... but you don't, actually, know your child would never. Mothering isn't a quadrilateral equation and kids aren't slot machines. There are no absolutely perfect answers, and you can't put great parenting in and get a fabulous kid out, either.

What you can do is what the OP is doing: try to ensure a troubled young man isn't your own daughter's problem.

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 19:46

Thank you she is saying "I don't want to talk about it its stressing me out" today but has said she has been ignoring his calls so I'm hoping she is well on her way to giving him the boot.

Sorry but 13 year old do have "boyfriends" not all but some do. By boyfriend its more someone they speak to on phone and see rarely as opposed to being together in a very intense way, which has never been the case as I've said contact is rare. Crusts you are making no sense at all that I need to blame myself and tell her I don't want her making the same mistakes I did. I have not a clue what your on about I have not disclosed anything about my personal life so you are just making assumptions.

OP posts:

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 19:47

Whatever Ahemily.. Maybe they just werent there for you then due to your dad being an arse.... Im a firm believer in what you portray has an impact on what you produce. Where on earth would the get it from otherwise. You have a baby, you have a young child, they go off into the world a bit more at 10 ish.. You set great boundaries and show them how they should act. Its not rocket science.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 19:48

feckit you'd be taking the huge risk of turning the live sick dd against you if you threatened to hospitalised her bboyfriend though. Even if you did scare him off yyou'dhave alienated your dd and done nothing to stop her falling into the arms of the next nasty piece of work to chat her up, and knowing to lie to you and hide things next time.

Far better surely to focus on helping dd.

Ahemily · 02/08/2015 19:48

He's dead, but thanks crusts.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 19:51

So is my dad Ahemily

Ahemily · 02/08/2015 19:53

Glad nobody's calling him an arse then, crusts.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 19:55

Nur..she would have thought he and I were ok after the BBQ and he would shape up or ship out! DD would be upset about the break up as all teen girls are but as OPs DD has lots of friends/interests..it would pass..
The work on raising her esteem and self worth so she doesn't hook up with another little arse would begin..

My DD is 23 and in a relationship with a lovely guy, the arses didn't stick around long

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 19:56

crusts parents can treat several children the same way with very varying results. It isn't a simple formula, though of course good parenting and behavior modelling is more likely to produce socially acceptable adult children... Everyone (just about) knows a family with one or two adult children who are "good eggs" and one who turned to drugs or petty crime or treats people very badly or in some other way did not become the adult their parents thought they were bringing up...

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 19:56

whatever ahemily...lets not go there... and lets not use someones death to make me shut up about abuse ay.

Oswin · 02/08/2015 19:56

Crust you are being unhelpful. I was in an abusive relationship. Two In fact. My parents have a perfect relationship.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 19:58

Nur Completely agree
www.mumsnet.com/Profile?nick=NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 19:58

It'sgood it worked out for you feckit - but one anecdote doesn't make a proven strategy - it could so easily have backfired.

Ahemily · 02/08/2015 19:58

Totally agree, crusts. And let's not start insulting people's families when we know nothing about them, eh?

I'm bowing out now, good luck, OP.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 19:58

Maybe that is the dilemma then Nur.. Lots of kids and those dynamics can cause different outcomes. Its stretching parenting to the max surely.

feckitall · 02/08/2015 19:58

Bugger..that didn't work!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/08/2015 20:00

People are being pretty harsh! Kids do start little relationships when they're that age. This on sadly snowballed but that in no way justifies the superior attitude some posters have on here.

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crustsaway · 02/08/2015 20:00

Im really not sure why people are telling me to bog off when what Im saying is children are the product of their parenting.

Todayisnottheday · 02/08/2015 20:00

Ok, ignoring the various rubbish on the thread.

Op, my dd lives at home, she's pregnant and her partner unofficially lives here too. He's lovely but really an insecure child and he takes it out on dd sometimes. My approach, rightly or wrongly, is to simply be there when he's finished his tirade with hugs, tea and "you don't have to accept this" type supportive comments. I can't choose her life for her but I can drip feed real life in. Admittedly our situation is a way down the line than yours but the principal stands, they have to choose what they will accept. You can't do it for them just gently guide.

Fwiw I believe expat. It's one of the options I considered. In many ways I wish I'd gone through with it.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 20:01

feckit I'ma bit baffled by why you've posted a link to my profile? I haven't even filled it in...

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