to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

[Lucyneedspeace]

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

My grandmother is or rather was my grandmother because she was sent 12,000 miles to stay with a relative in order to get her away from an "inappropriate" relationship. She met my grandfather there and the rest, as they say, is history!

OP - I think just being there for your dd, telling her that she is worth it better, raising her self-esteem, advising her how to be assertive in the face of abuse and encouraging otter interests is the best thing to do. From the way you describe it, banning him might be counter-productive as he's on the way out anyway.

Lucy please ignore the posters who are saying it's your fault. It's absolutely not! It wasn't my parents fault I got into an abusive relationship and my friend who was in one certainly doesn't blame her parents either. Both my parents and my friend's parents are still married after more than 20 years in healthy relationships so you can't even say it's because we had bad role models.

FWIW it sounds like you're doing amazingly. You sound really caring and all you can do is keep the barriers of communication open and be there for her when it all falls apart.

DD is quite aware it is wrong.

That part is great, you've won half the battle. I'd just keep coming back to crystallising that part. Either she has to teach him better or show him that she won't take it any more.

THIS book looks quite good
I got my DD THIS one for her to read.
Don't know if she ever did but she has turned a massive corner since she read it and has a lovely BF now.

Well... since I gave it to her!

OP at 15 I got involved with a boy who was two years older than me he was lovely for a year then his true colours came out.

He was manipulative, controlling and abusive. I was besotted by him, he has slowly chipped away all my confidence so that I felt no one but him would have me and that I was lucky to have him as he was an amazing catch. So when the verbal and emotional abuse started I felt I deserved it and it was my fault I provoked it.

It went from there to his exerting his control sexually over me and I did things I'm utterly ashamed of today. By the time I was 18 I was still with him but knew it was wrong and deep down I wanted out. He had progressed to thag point to giving me the odd slap but to the outside world he made me out a liar and to be crazy and told people I was stalking him etc.

My parents knew he was emotionally abusive but they didn't really care or act like they cared and they never once told me I was worth more.

My friends begged me to leave him and I would as I "loved" him. Like your daughter I didn't see him much buy the abuse over the phone, text and Internet was there.

At 18 I started spending alot of time with friends at the cinema for meals and I got so much confidence in myself. I found I wasn't waiting for the next contact with him and I decided that I didn't need him or any other man in my life and binned him.

That shocked the life out of him and he begged and pleaded for months and it got worse when I met my boyfriend who is now my DH. He didn't like losing the control but I was free and a completely changed person. Him on the other hand I've heard has remained arrogant and abusive to this day.

Please don't ban her from seeing him it won't work. Encourage her to go out with friends more and do things she enjoys away from him and tell her as much as you can how much she is worth. Do whatever you can to boost her confidence because when she gets confidence in herself she will have the confidence to bin this fucker for good and she won't look back.