to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

[Lucyneedspeace]

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

2 years , really? she let this go on for 2 years? He hasnt suddenly become abusive.

Can I just point out that you have no idea of the boys situation here either crusts. He could have seen anything, been exposed to anything even an overly smug parent with no clue it's odd what can affect kids, being the perfect 2.4 certainly isn't any assurance of a well balanced child and being well balanced is no assurity of avoiding an abusive relationship.

Crusts, I'm sorry but IMO you are riding for a fall with your kid(s). You sound very much the kind of parent who knows nothing about what is actually happening in their lives, because her own perfection narrative means they can't tell her.

And before you huff that I don't know you etc etc etc... think on, as you say.

Its not about perfect, its about seeing and guiding at this young age. I just dont know how a parent would be able to say their child had a relationship for 2 years? its very strange behaviour.

why??????
people can enter into abusive relationships for a multitude of reasons, regardless of their upbringing.
most abuse starts low level and for many wonen it doesn't feel like abuse.
op is doing what she can to keep her dd safe and she doesn't need someone berating her for her supposed mistakes

The OP has missed a lot out here.

I think you might change your mind when your child gets to an age where you are not in control of their every action no matter how brilliantly you think you've 'guided' him.

And I think its unlikely the boy behaved like this at 13. Also, the children don't see eachother much so there possibly isn't much more abuse happening.

Also its worth noting that the daughter feels comfortable enough to have her phone on speakerphone when talking to this boy so it's very unlikely that she's hiding anything. Though I am fully capable of admitting that that's speculation. Though a little more factually based than your speculation.

son is nearly 18 now so I actually do know a bit.

I find that most women my era and beyond that have girls actually teach them to be subservient, hence the abuse.

I think it's ridiculous to blame the op's parenting for her dd' s relationship troubles. Dd is a victim here! Anyone can be a victim. Just have a read through the relationship threads. Normal, sensible women who have been ground down by emotional abuse so that they lose the ability or confidence to make what to everyone else would seem like an obvious decision. Throw in 15year old hormones and it becomes harder.

If anyone's parenting should be questioned, it's the parents of the boyfriend!

Anyway op it sounds like your dd is taking steps in the right direction, and with your encouragement will soon be able to break it off completely. Time away sounds good too, I'm sure it will give her the headspace she needs.

whats a "normal" victim?

You have a daughter crusts?

She had him on loudspeaker knowing that he talks to her in this way! I would say she wants out and wanted you to hear it, so you would go mad and ban them from seeing each other.

Normal women is what I said, not normal victim. As in anyone, regardless of parenting or background.

Crusts you missed a lot out. a lot of education on how abusive relationships happen, a lot of education on why teens (particularly girls) suffer low self esteem, a lot on how older dc behave when your back is turned. If parenting was the single answer there'd be a single solution and these things would have stopped years ago. Sadly there is no simple answer or solution and everyone scrambles through as best they can. The op wants the best like everyone else. If you've nothing useful to contribute on getting her from this point to the next perhaps this isn't the best thread for you.

Why should that make a difference whip?

You teach a son to respect a girl
You teach a daughter to not expect anything other

Crusts, have you not noticed? Nobody here thinks the OP is the one exhibiting strange parenting ideas. Your view that you can programme human beings in some way via parenting is simply... wrong. Parenting matters, massively, of course it does. You can indeed make or mar someone in extreme terms via abuse or loving nurture. But it is only one part of what goes into making people who they become, and it's actually necessary that kids screw up as they navigate adolescence - that is how they learn.

Look, I'm happily married. I'm a stay at home mum. We are moderately affluent these days. We are engaged, loving, and present. Our kids are given attention, patience, boundaries, and guidance. So far, it's going well. But there are no guarantees, and no such thing as perfect, because apart from the more difficult issues that can hit any family, children differ, and what they need from parents does, too. We can only parent to the best of our ability and nobody - nobody - is perfect. Nobody can always get it right. And even when people do... I know a family who have two lovely, stable, Oxbridge educated, happily married kids. They also have one who is a complete disaster - relationship wise, mental health wise, everything. They are staunch in supporting this child, even now. They are loving and accepting and honest where necessary. But life and genes haven't been kind and the child, when a teenager and adult, made bad choices. I, on the other hand, had a shitty childhood, awful parenting, a desperately bad adolescence and very young adulthood... yet came out the other end with a Cambridge law degree, a fantastic husband, and the sort of calm, happy, contented life that you'd anticipate coming from someone with the other family's start. Because life is complex, and parenting and genetics and life choices are a kaleidoscope, and not a slot machine.

Making bad choices is actually a necessary part of growing up, and part of how we all learn. Our parents can't do it for us. And all we can do is hope that our kids have the stability, security, and native wit to get past our mistakes, their mistakes and the obstacle course that is growing up so they attain the sort of life we would all like to lead.

Ahemily thank you for sharing your story, sorry crusts felt the need to bully you assuming she knew about your life more than you. What we must remember as she says "children are a product of their environment" she must have come from a pretty bad environment to be lacking basic manners. Hopefully her children won't have picked up on it and think its ok to make assumptions about people you don't know.

Thank you posters for your helpful responses. This is not a situation which I have been ignoring nor one I think is "fine" I am trying to think of ways to support DD without scaring her off being honest with me in future.

crusts raising one child does not make you an expert in everything and you are coming out with some very inflammatory wild and baseless accusations and assumptions about the parenting of all mothers of girls all parents with more than one child, all single parents - basically everyone whos is not you...

No mother knows everything about their 18 year old and what they do and say or hypothetically might or might not do or say out of their parents' hesring - they just hope they are correct that their child is the wonderful human being they think they are...

Thanks for your book on your life sleep but actually parenting is a big part of it until the age of 17. At the age of 14 to have an abusive boyfriend that has been with her since 12 is a questionable thing.

So op is in a abusive relationship crustaway? Or as been? Dya know her then? No you don't. You say the op is a single parent so who knows what the dd has seen. You are offensive.
You seem to think its a certainty that if a young girl has an abusive relationship then her mother must have showed her that's ok.
Do you have any personal experience of this? I was in abusive relationships. My parents set a great example to me. So wtf happened with me then?!

Crusts, if your posts on this thread are any guide, your son is sadly lacking guidance from someone equipped to explain abusive behaviour.

OP - you are in a hard situation, but your dd is blessed to have a mum who loves her so much, and has her best interests so firmly at the fore.

Im not sure why you are also being so anti here knock.

Im saying that at the age of what 12 a girl? has a boyfriend for two years and it ends up he is very abusive 2 years later? ok then, it was never apparent before. Well I am either very stupid or dont actually care.

Now take that as you will.

Irritated with myself for engaging with this, but I don't think it is a given that he has been abusive the whole time. He's a child, something could have happened in his family within the last few months that triggered this behaviour.

Here we go, personal accusations yet again... my guidance is fantastic so is my son.. thanks for that sleep.