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AIBU?

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:

Report

DixieNormas · 02/08/2015 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 22:17

I tend to disagree to a certain extent. The rebel is one with a cause.

DixieNormas · 02/08/2015 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 22:19

no it not bollox, its true.

DixieNormas · 02/08/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 22:23

Of course a parent is not without fault. We bring them up as best as we can and certain needs go unattended to if you dont recognise them. The OP didnt get there till now. Its not a crime but Im sure she saw the signs in two damn years

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 22:25

I definitely kissed some frogs before I met my prince (no cheesy moment emotion sadly). I've been well bought up and I'm sure my parents despaired at times. We've all turned out well in the end though

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2015 22:27

What an awful situation OP. I hope she ditches him soon

And what a fucking weird thread too

"He will kill"

What the actual fuck?

dontcallmelen · 02/08/2015 22:35

Worramy thoughts exactly

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 22:37

Thanks I agree its human nature to make a few mistakes along the way its how we learn. I was well brought up but still rebelled for no horrific reason I just did. I haven't normalised this situation at any point and DD is quite aware it is wrong. I just hope from that she will ditch him !

OP posts:

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 22:38

I also agree it is a very weird thread !

OP posts:

FaithLoveandHope · 02/08/2015 22:41

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to say please don't ban him. I was 13 when I got into an abusive relationship. Just before my 15th birthday my parents found out we'd slept together (though they weren't aware at the time it wasn't consensual on my part). Dad went mental and banned him from the house. It made me more defensive of my bf and pushed me closer to him. I lashed out lots at my parents and ended up moving in with him at 16 which in hindsight was the worst thing I could've done. We didn't split up until I was 18 as I felt I didn't deserve any better. My parents made me feel like I was the one in the wrong and when they didn't try to stop me moving out it made me feel like they didn't care and didn't want me around. Even now years later I still have huge self-esteem issues and can rarely talk to my parents about these things.

I don't know what the answer is but I do know you need to be there to support your daughter through this and show her how much she is loved by you. Contact in the house may be better as at least there you can keep an eye on them. I really hope your daughter finds the strength to leave him soon or this pathetic excuse of a boy leaves her.

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 22:46

Faithloveandhope I'm sorry you had such a shitty time and thank you for the wise words. The last thing I want is to push her closer to him!

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 02/08/2015 22:47

Faith.

elQuintoConyo · 02/08/2015 22:50

Wtaf kinda thread is this?

Lucy

SistersofPercy · 02/08/2015 23:03

I agree, don't ban him.

I had an abusive relationship, though I was a little older at just turned 18. I was young, very green and had a very controlling mother. She banned him from the house, banned phone calls etc.
I walked out one night and didn't come back. When I eventually did work it out for myself that I had to leave I was eight months pregnant.

I know from bitter experience that banning things is a road to misery which is why I chose to support my kids (both now adults ) and talk to them rather than take my mother's stance of "you can't do that!"

dontcallmelen · 02/08/2015 23:03

Faith really hope you find happiness & that you are much stronger than maybe you realise, you made the break from an abusive situation without by the sound, of it much help & support from the people
who should have protected & guided you, onwards & upwards

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 23:32

Elquinto no idea but it escalated quickly!

Sisterofpercy thank you for sharing your story really helpful advice. I did toy with the idea of taking her phone as their relationship is more phone than seeing each other. Taking her phone would have seemed as if I were punishing her.

OP posts:

Samcro · 02/08/2015 23:43

I wouldn't ban him, but I would at that age not allow "hidden" time, if you try to stop her seeing him, she will rebel,
so bite the bullet be really nice to him(have a sick bucket hidden) let him trip him self up in front of you, he puts her down......question it nicely and keep at it

she will see the light

SistersofPercy · 02/08/2015 23:46

It's difficult to not go all mother lion, god knows there have been times I've chewed my fists with my own dd, but ultimately banning achieves nothing but a resolve to do it anyway.
The best advice I can give is talk and talk some more. Mine are 22 and 18 now, we've not anyways seen eye to eye but I think that's par for the course.

Show her the leaflets, keep talking, let her know she's beautiful and amazing, how much you love her and can do anything she sets her mind to.
I suspect she'll shortly conclude herself that she is better than this.

seb29 · 03/08/2015 00:15

Could her dad / grandad or any other male in the family talk to her boyfriend about respect & treat a girl?Keep on telling her you love and admire her. All the best x

Hellion7433 · 03/08/2015 05:43

Can you arrange to spend time with couples who are very nice to each other?

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TheDowagerCuntess · 03/08/2015 05:55

Crusts - you simply cannot bullet-proof your kids against abuse.

Even the most middle-class daughters of loving-and-together parents, with supportive, open lines of communication can end up in violently abusive relationships.

It's lovely to think that it's all down to your parenting, and if you do X, Y and Z your kids will be safe, but there's no guarantees. None at all.

It's pretty terrifying. But continue sticking your head in the sand, and bashing the OP, if you must.

Lucyneedspeace · 03/08/2015 10:06

we do spent time with couples who are really nice to each other she knows it's wrong. She has a very close relationship with her grandad but at the moment he's in the dark over it as he will go in all guns blazing which I think would probably make the situation worse. We are out today so I'm hoping we will chat about it .

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Lucyneedspeace · 03/08/2015 10:09

thank you dowager I agree completely.
I know some children who have had awful starts but do very well as they don't want to follow their families mistakes so it doesn't always work the way crusts thinks.

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