to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

[Lucyneedspeace]

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

[ncpg53]

OP at 15 I got involved with a boy who was two years older than me he was lovely for a year then his true colours came out.

He was manipulative, controlling and abusive. I was besotted by him, he has slowly chipped away all my confidence so that I felt no one but him would have me and that I was lucky to have him as he was an amazing catch. So when the verbal and emotional abuse started I felt I deserved it and it was my fault I provoked it.

It went from there to his exerting his control sexually over me and I did things I'm utterly ashamed of today. By the time I was 18 I was still with him but knew it was wrong and deep down I wanted out. He had progressed to thag point to giving me the odd slap but to the outside world he made me out a liar and to be crazy and told people I was stalking him etc.

My parents knew he was emotionally abusive but they didn't really care or act like they cared and they never once told me I was worth more.

My friends begged me to leave him and I would as I "loved" him. Like your daughter I didn't see him much buy the abuse over the phone, text and Internet was there.

At 18 I started spending alot of time with friends at the cinema for meals and I got so much confidence in myself. I found I wasn't waiting for the next contact with him and I decided that I didn't need him or any other man in my life and binned him.

That shocked the life out of him and he begged and pleaded for months and it got worse when I met my boyfriend who is now my DH. He didn't like losing the control but I was free and a completely changed person. Him on the other hand I've heard has remained arrogant and abusive to this day.

Please don't ban her from seeing him it won't work. Encourage her to go out with friends more and do things she enjoys away from him and tell her as much as you can how much she is worth. Do whatever you can to boost her confidence because when she gets confidence in herself she will have the confidence to bin this fucker for good and she won't look back.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well... since I gave it to her!

[hellsbellsmelons]

THIS book looks quite good
I got my DD THIS one for her to read.
Don't know if she ever did but she has turned a massive corner since she read it and has a lovely BF now.

[brownfang]

DD is quite aware it is wrong.

That part is great, you've won half the battle. I'd just keep coming back to crystallising that part. Either she has to teach him better or show him that she won't take it any more.

[FaithLoveandHope]

Lucy please ignore the posters who are saying it's your fault. It's absolutely not! It wasn't my parents fault I got into an abusive relationship and my friend who was in one certainly doesn't blame her parents either. Both my parents and my friend's parents are still married after more than 20 years in healthy relationships so you can't even say it's because we had bad role models.

FWIW it sounds like you're doing amazingly. You sound really caring and all you can do is keep the barriers of communication open and be there for her when it all falls apart.

[prettybird]

My grandmother is or rather was my grandmother because she was sent 12,000 miles to stay with a relative in order to get her away from an "inappropriate" relationship. She met my grandfather there and the rest, as they say, is history!

OP - I think just being there for your dd, telling her that she is worth it better, raising her self-esteem, advising her how to be assertive in the face of abuse and encouraging otter interests is the best thing to do. From the way you describe it, banning him might be counter-productive as he's on the way out anyway.

[Lucyneedspeace]

thank you dowager I agree completely.
I know some children who have had awful starts but do very well as they don't want to follow their families mistakes so it doesn't always work the way crusts thinks.

[Lucyneedspeace]

we do spent time with couples who are really nice to each other she knows it's wrong. She has a very close relationship with her grandad but at the moment he's in the dark over it as he will go in all guns blazing which I think would probably make the situation worse. We are out today so I'm hoping we will chat about it .

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Crusts - you simply cannot bullet-proof your kids against abuse.

Even the most middle-class daughters of loving-and-together parents, with supportive, open lines of communication can end up in violently abusive relationships.

It's lovely to think that it's all down to your parenting, and if you do X, Y and Z your kids will be safe, but there's no guarantees. None at all.

It's pretty terrifying. But continue sticking your head in the sand, and bashing the OP, if you must.

[Hellion7433]

Can you arrange to spend time with couples who are very nice to each other?

[seb29]

Could her dad / grandad or any other male in the family talk to her boyfriend about respect & treat a girl?Keep on telling her you love and admire her. All the best x

[SistersofPercy]

It's difficult to not go all mother lion, god knows there have been times I've chewed my fists with my own dd, but ultimately banning achieves nothing but a resolve to do it anyway.
The best advice I can give is talk and talk some more. Mine are 22 and 18 now, we've not anyways seen eye to eye but I think that's par for the course.

Show her the leaflets, keep talking, let her know she's beautiful and amazing, how much you love her and can do anything she sets her mind to.
I suspect she'll shortly conclude herself that she is better than this.

[Samcro]

I wouldn't ban him, but I would at that age not allow "hidden" time, if you try to stop her seeing him, she will rebel,
so bite the bullet be really nice to him(have a sick bucket hidden) let him trip him self up in front of you, he puts her down......question it nicely and keep at it

she will see the light

[Lucyneedspeace]

Elquinto no idea but it escalated quickly!

Sisterofpercy thank you for sharing your story really helpful advice. I did toy with the idea of taking her phone as their relationship is more phone than seeing each other. Taking her phone would have seemed as if I were punishing her.

[dontcallmelen]

Faith really hope you find happiness & that you are much stronger than maybe you realise, you made the break from an abusive situation without by the sound, of it much help & support from the people
who should have protected & guided you, onwards & upwards

[SistersofPercy]

I agree, don't ban him.

I had an abusive relationship, though I was a little older at just turned 18. I was young, very green and had a very controlling mother. She banned him from the house, banned phone calls etc.
I walked out one night and didn't come back. When I eventually did work it out for myself that I had to leave I was eight months pregnant.

I know from bitter experience that banning things is a road to misery which is why I chose to support my kids (both now adults ) and talk to them rather than take my mother's stance of "you can't do that!"

[elQuintoConyo]

Wtaf kinda thread is this?

Lucy

[sleeponeday]

Faith.

[Lucyneedspeace]

Faithloveandhope I'm sorry you had such a shitty time and thank you for the wise words. The last thing I want is to push her closer to him!

[FaithLoveandHope]

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to say please don't ban him. I was 13 when I got into an abusive relationship. Just before my 15th birthday my parents found out we'd slept together (though they weren't aware at the time it wasn't consensual on my part). Dad went mental and banned him from the house. It made me more defensive of my bf and pushed me closer to him. I lashed out lots at my parents and ended up moving in with him at 16 which in hindsight was the worst thing I could've done. We didn't split up until I was 18 as I felt I didn't deserve any better. My parents made me feel like I was the one in the wrong and when they didn't try to stop me moving out it made me feel like they didn't care and didn't want me around. Even now years later I still have huge self-esteem issues and can rarely talk to my parents about these things.

I don't know what the answer is but I do know you need to be there to support your daughter through this and show her how much she is loved by you. Contact in the house may be better as at least there you can keep an eye on them. I really hope your daughter finds the strength to leave him soon or this pathetic excuse of a boy leaves her.

[Lucyneedspeace]

I also agree it is a very weird thread !

[Lucyneedspeace]

Thanks I agree its human nature to make a few mistakes along the way its how we learn. I was well brought up but still rebelled for no horrific reason I just did. I haven't normalised this situation at any point and DD is quite aware it is wrong. I just hope from that she will ditch him !

[dontcallmelen]

Worramy thoughts exactly

[WorraLiberty]

What an awful situation OP. I hope she ditches him soon

And what a fucking weird thread too

"He will kill"

What the actual fuck?

[Hellion7433]

I definitely kissed some frogs before I met my prince (no cheesy moment emotion sadly). I've been well bought up and I'm sure my parents despaired at times. We've all turned out well in the end though