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AIBU?

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:

Report

expatinscotland · 02/08/2015 18:16

'Like fuck would you expatinscotland.'

How the fuck would you know, Wayne? You don't know me from Adam. I lost a child, I only have one daughter left, there will not be another, so like fuck I would allow an abusive scrote into my home knowing he was verbally abusing my daughter. But hey, you know my in's and out's and exactly what I'd do with my own children.

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 18:17

Thank you Perspicaciatick I shall leave that on her bed. She does have a few of the warning signs. It seems to have only been bad for a few weeks or maybe I've only known for a few weeks .

OP posts:

FithColumnist · 02/08/2015 18:18

What FishCanFly said. If they're reasonable human beings, his parents would probably be horrified at the kind of things their son is saying to a girl.

Does the boyfriend ever behave in a threatening or aggressive manner towards you, OP?

fairfat40 · 02/08/2015 18:19

Don't ban your dd from seeing him for reasons said, but do put down rules that he cannot talk to your daughter like that, and if he does he's banned from the house. A call or text to his dm too, explaining very neutrally what he has been saying. And yes, get her to watch murdered by my boyfriend.

Hissy · 02/08/2015 18:20

When and how did you hear him say this to your dd?

I'd be inclined to take your dd over there to his parents house,mist down win them all and ask him to his face why did he call your dd a dumb cunt, stupid bitch and every other insult he has rained down upon her? En I'd sit and wait for him to explain. I'd refer to dates and times of his name calling and inform him that there was no way they would be having any further contact in any way shape or form, or I'd be calling th police for guidance. I would tell the parents too that I'd expect them to insist in this and do what it takes to ensure that his attitude towards women is adjusted.

No fucking way would I tolerate emotional abuse of my child.

She can be upset for a month, a year whatever, but he's harming her by he second. Has she got good girl friends to support her/you?

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 18:22

They don't go to the same school thankfully. They see each other very rarely and DD does have hobbies and go out with friends etc. I get the feeling he wants out but is pushing her to be the one to do it by being a complete asshole but instead DD just feels helpless and is very confused about what she's done to trigger his change towards her. I don't know his parents well but I have their number. DD says his dad is very strict so she has never been round !

OP posts:

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 18:22

We're you listening in on her phone call? I only ask bbecause you say you "hung up after screeching a bit".

What he'sddoing is awful and of course you want your daughter away from him before it gets worse, that goes without saying. However I just wonder whether listening in on her phone calls is the way to make her feel you have her back/ trust her and to boost her self confidence and make you the one she listens to, rather than setting up a situation where she sees you as in conflict with her.

Could the way forward be to work on her self esteem and your bond with her, as well as encouraging her to see more of her other friends.

You say you've tried outright banning and it hhasn't had the desired effect - instead as others suggest only let her see him at your house and perhaps on neutral territory in safe first date type daytime/ early eve locations (cinema, bowling) with you always knowing where she is. Constantly reinforce the message you trust her but not him and there are a million boys out there who will treat her with the respect she deserves.

Could she also take a young women's self defence course of some kind - again as much to raise her esteem and confidence and broaden her outlook as anything?

Disclaimer my eldest is only 10 - but at 15 if my parents had banned me from somebodyiI'd have been more determined to see them, and when I caught my mum listening in to me talking to a boy on the phone it encouraged me to lie and sneak about.

Toomuch2young · 02/08/2015 18:23

I would try and speak to his mother. Could you go round and talk to him
And his mother without DD? Say what you have witnessed and see what her reaction is? Any half decent parent is going to be horrified her DS is acting in that way and will work with you to stop it.

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 18:25

I overheard him calling her these names when they were on the phone (he was on loudspeaker). He has never been rude or intimidating in front of me in fact quite the opposite like a nervous rabbit in the headlights!

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/08/2015 18:29

Hes15

If he's like this now, what will he be like at 18? 20? 25?

How long to be violent?

He will kill.

You are her parent, it's your job to protect her.

Is her dad around? What does he say to all this? Your family?

Whipnaenae · 02/08/2015 18:29

But why would you transfer parenting to your sister though expat? I would want to keep my daughter closer than ever in situations like this, emotionally and physically.

honeysucklejasmine · 02/08/2015 18:30

I'd be tempted to go in hard. Sit her down to watch "Murdered by my boyfriend". Then tell her that if she insists on still seeing him, at your house only.

This

PerspicaciaTick · 02/08/2015 18:31

He will kill.

Not helpful.

Hissy · 02/08/2015 18:32

Abusers abuse through inferiority and lack of strength, they are vile little tossers, weak and pathetic. Of course he's chicken shit to your face, but he will do what he can to break the relationship you have with dd, you take power and control of this, enlist his parents and get your dd safe.

You don't need to allow her to call the shots here, her life is very much at risk.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 18:35

You would transfer guardianship to your sister expatinscotland?

I don't believe you, it's a massive over reaction to a situation that can be dealt with so much easier than transferring guardianship.

Hissy · 02/08/2015 18:36

He will kill. It IS fucking helpful actually, it's real, it's a very real risk.

Wake up and see the facts here!

2 women a week are killed by their partners, a boy of 15 showing this amount of emotional violence is extremely worrying. He knows fuck all about life, but knows how to destroy a girl of 15. While others watch.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 18:36

Her life is at risk? Not a helpful comment.

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 18:37

Hissy don't you think I know its my job to protect her?! Of course I do but I can't push her away by going into grounding her etc as she will just become secretive and that is surely punishing her for his behaviour. She rarely sees him and is mostly out with her friends she sees him every other week for a short while if that. Saying "He will Kill" is pretty unhelpful also!

OP posts:

Whipnaenae · 02/08/2015 18:38

I agree Wayne. By sending the daughter away, you are sending her the message that she did something wrong and must be ostracised by her family.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 18:42

Id want to get his knackers and put them in a mangle if he spoke to my daughter like this no matter of his age. He's a fledgling abuser.

But what Id do is spend a very long time telling my daughter that this is unacceptable and not quit till I did.

I'd also take a long hard look at myself.

FithColumnist · 02/08/2015 18:45

If he's like a rabbit caught in the headlights with you, then he's an abusive bully, plain and simple, exercising power over your poor DD. I really think you should tell his parents.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 18:46

I find it a very helpful comment to be fair here. The OP actually needs to look at herself and find out why her child would accept this behaviour. Where has it come from? I'd be having a massive reflection on what I "show" my child!

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Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2015 18:48

He obviously wants out, they're 15, he's being a coward and behaving badly so she ends it.

There's adults who behave like this.

He's called her names over the phone, it doesn't mean he's going to turn into a killer, he obviously hasn't had the guidance he needs.

But he isn't the OPs concern.

How to help her DD face up to her childhood romance coming to an end, without turning into the enemy.

Speaking as the Mum of three DDs (now adults, thankfully).

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 18:49

Id also get in touch with his parents and tell them. I'd do whatever in my power as a parent I could possibly do. Which is a heck of a lot.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 18:51

My son has never called a girl a cunt.

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