Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask about never meeting the 'one'

20 replies

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 12:12

Someone on another thread just said living without love and support is a waste of a life.

I know that in context that is s message of support to someone else but I am wondering if people do see you as having wasted your life if you never meet someone you want to marry or have DCs with. I can't help but feel this is unlikely - though not impossible obviously - for me.

Will others seem me a failure? Uncomfortably, I suspect they will.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2015 12:17

I haven't seen the other thread but have you taken it too literally?

Were they specifically talking about marriage/DCs, or love and support in general?

Lottapianos · 30/07/2015 12:18

If they do see you as a failure 80s, its entirely their problem and says way more about them than it ever would about you. Some people are obsessed with the idea that there is only one legitimate way to live your life and for a lot of people that's marriage, babies, mortgage and all that stuff. How dull

There is no such thing as 'the one'. There is no 'perfect person out there' for everybody'. It's a ridiculous notion. You are good enough by yourself.

And relationships are not all they're cracked up to be. Honestly. Even healthy relationships involve a lot of compromise, a lot of sensitivity on both sides, a lot of work and a lot of putting up with someone else's crap. I say this as someone who is in a very happy 10 year relationship with a wonderful man. I get a lot of positive stuff out of my relationship but that's also true of my friendships. There's many ways to find love and support - don't buy into the rubbish that it always has to be Disney version.

Awholelottanosy · 30/07/2015 12:18

I don't really believe in the concept of 'the one', I used to but I think it's a result of having been conditioned by too many fairy tales. If you meet someone you are compatible with then that's great but it doesn't mean you're a failure if that doesn't happen. There's so much more to life than just having a relationship and you only have to look at the relationship boards to see how there much misery there is from people who thought they had met 'the one'!

PtolemysNeedle · 30/07/2015 12:20

I haven't seen the other thread so don't really know the context, but love and support comes in forms other than just in a romantic relationship.

I'd think it was sad if someone went through life never having any sort if connection with other people through family and friends, but I wouldn't think it was a wasted life, nor would I think of someone who's long term single as a failure.

There are so many worthwhile things in life, marriage (or a marriage like relationship) and children are only two of them.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2015 12:22

I don't believe in "The One" either

The concept that one (very fallible, very human) person can be your all, the person that completes you, is responsible for a lot of shit, unrealistic pressure and unhappiness in this world

we get our love and support from many quarters....friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, online support forums

Original poster

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 12:23

Oh it is no criticism of the poster who said that she was just being supportive to another lady - feel bad now!

I know there's no such thing as 'the one' but society does tend to see unmarried childless women as failures even though I know that is nonsense it still bothers me I might be viewed as such if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

TTWK · 30/07/2015 12:27

It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

Original poster

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 12:29

I agree but it's still very alone being alone sometimes

OP posts:

dinodiva · 30/07/2015 12:30

Lottapianos, I couldn't agree more.

I also believe that the most important relationship in life is the one that you have with yourself, and that that's the key to true contentment rather finding it through another person, a job, or stuff.

BumpKitty · 30/07/2015 12:34

Yes probably some people will view you in this way. The same people who feel sorry for those who have chosen not to have children, those who only have one child, those who don't have one of each etc etc. There are a lot of people who just can't understand anyone not thinking in exactly the same way that they do. Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do about it, apart from avoid them.

Original poster

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 12:35

True, I suppose it is just anyone who doesn't fit into a particular convention even though sometimes it's not something you've got control over.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 30/07/2015 12:36

And 80s, its perfectly natural to think about and even long for things you don't have. I think most people have wistful moments when they imagine how their life might be if X or Y were different. I don't mean to undermine your feelings of loneliness, only to point out that relationships and parenthood are not the magic bullets they are made out to be

ButterDish · 30/07/2015 12:42

Thinking of unmarried childless women as failures is just patriarchal bullshit that views women solely in terms of their capacity to bag a high-status man and reproduce. If you need proof, compare and contrast media treatment of 'Tragic, Unfulfilled WannaBe Bride' Jennifer Aniston with 'WeyHey Suave Bachelor Who Escaped The Marriage Trap' George Clooney (till recently) or Leonardo di Caprio.

gabsdot45 · 30/07/2015 12:44

I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. I've been very happily married for 20 years and I love my DH very much. However the older I get the more I realise that there are probably lots of men who would have been a good husband for me and that I could have been happy with.

I think that the most joy in life comes from the people we love, Our partners, children but also siblings, parents, nieces and nephews and friends. If marriage and children doesn't happen then there is no reason not to be happy and fulfilled.
I know some women who would love to be married and have children but for one reason or another it never happened for them. I admire the way they live their lives and find joy and fulfilment in other areas. It takes more effort. If you want to go out for dinner or to see a movie there isn't a ready made 'date sitting there', holidays can also be more tricky but sometimes when my house is noisy and messy and I can't get a minutes peace I wouldn't mind their life fora while.

EponasWildDaughter · 30/07/2015 12:47

I think you're right OP. On the whole society does look differently upon women who have never had a partner or children. It's ridiculous.

I have an 'aunt' (my mums 2nd cousin) who is in her 60s now - never any partner, no kids, no pets. Lots of hard earned dosh however, a lovely house and just retired from a fabulous career. Lots of travel to far flung and interesting places for weeks at a time. (Often alone, by choice, no one else to please she says.) Gutsy lady. She's off to Japan on her own for xmas this year.

I've always looked up to her and so have my daughters since they were little. ''Aunty X is brilliant going to all those places''. Me: ''Yes, auntie X has worked hard for her money and is enjoying it by traveling the world. Good for her, you could do that one day!''.

But the older members of the family always seem to have this 'poor aunt X' attitude towards her. As if the career, the house, the money, the travel, the social life and her obvious satisfaction with her life counts for nothing because she lives alone, and has no direct descendants.

Hopefully it is a generational thing and will change.

Pandora37 · 30/07/2015 12:53

If you're talking about the thread I think you are, then I think you've taken what she said completely out of context. She didn't say it was a waste of a life, she said it was a waste of "your" life - the person she was referring to was living in a loveless relationship. I took that to mean that it would be better for her to be alone than carry on in a marriage that should be giving her love and support yet doesn't. That is a horrible way to live, being desperate for affection from someone who won't give it to you. She wasn't referring to single people at all.

I think you've put your own insecurities onto that quote. I understand why you feel the way you do but why does it matter what other people think? It sounds like you're really not happy with your situation otherwise what other people thought wouldn't bother you. Of course it isn't a waste of a life - it's hard seeing people on Facebook post all their marriage photos but there are tons of women in history who never married or had children who made an impact on the world.

Original poster

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 12:59

Pandora, i am absolutely not criticising the individual who said it, but society does see unmarried childless women as failures and that's hard. It might be nonsense but that doesn't make the head tilts any easier.

OP posts:

TheRealAmyLee · 30/07/2015 13:01

What matters is how YOU feel. Do you feel loved? By friends, family etc? Are you happy as you are?

If you aren't happy there are things you can do to change your life. A new job, house move, taking up a new hobby, joining a group or club. All these things can give you a chance to meet more people who can become a support network.

I do agree that it is better to be single than in a loveless relationship. In ANY relationship be it a friend, a family member or a partner there should be love and support.

Lottapianos · 30/07/2015 13:06

'I understand why you feel the way you do but why does it matter what other people think?'

Speaking for myself, because its hard feeling like the odd one out. It's hard feeling like there's a big party going on but your invitation got lost in the post. It's hard feeling like you have less and less in common with other adults. It's hard deciding what you want out of life while feeling tons of pressure to follow a particular path. There are shades of grey in between feeling 'totally fine' and 'totally miserable'.

Original poster

80srockheart · 30/07/2015 13:07

That sums things up nicely - thanks

OP posts:

Flip