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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send the kids away for a week.

36 replies

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 12:46

ExH has asked if he can take the kids camping for a week in August. I have said yes of course you can. I know if I ask the kids they will be so excited and want to go.

BUT....

They have never been away from me for more than - Oldest, 2 nights and Youngest 1 night. They are 10 and 7 so old enough but the opportunity has just never come up before. They stay at their dads for one night twice a year, his choice.

I know they are going to get homesick and want to come home and it could potentially be a nightmare for all of them. However I don't want to be the one to say No and be the bad guy.

So WIBU to let them go and let him deal with any issues while they are there or is that just cruel on the kids?

OP posts:

cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/07/2015 12:51

Yes let them go, it will be good for them. They are old enough to cope.

marriednotdead · 27/07/2015 12:53

How can you be so sure they will be homesick if the scenario has never taken place?
Discuss that potential with your ex before the DCs and assess his response. He should expect the possibility of wobbles, and be prepared to reassure them and ring you if the need arises.
If you feel suitably reassured then you can send them with a smile

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 12:56

The eldest has been away on Cub camps and has struggled with two days before and the youngest gets home sick every time she goes just over night, either to her dads or the one night school trip she has been on. I think she likes the attention to be honest.

They have both been over night to my friends though and been fine with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 12:58

Just for the record, I do want them to go. I am a single working mum and could do with the break and it will help childcare wise.

I just don't know if it is cruel to say yes even though it might not be best for them?

OP posts:

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 27/07/2015 13:00

At 10 and 7 it's about time they learned to be away from you for several nights - they'll miss out on so much if they can't do this. They'll be with their Dad - they'll be fine.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 27/07/2015 13:02

If you want to give exH a tip - tell him to keep them so busy they don't have time to be homesick, and so that they are exhaused when they go to bed everynight that's what we do on Brownie camps.

5Foot5 · 27/07/2015 13:03

Of course it is not cruel and why do you say it might not be the best for them? You could say that it is the other way round and that it is in fact a good idea for them to start getting used to being away from you for more than a night. Your eldest especially might soon have the chance of school trips that take him away for several nights - surely it is better that he can learn how to cope

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 27/07/2015 13:05

One last thing - if I were you I would go away at the same time, or at least be incommunicado, so the the option of coming home mid-week isn't available. Tell DCs that anyway, so they know that kicking up a fuss won't get them a ticket home. Harsh, but in their best interests longer term.

scatterthenuns · 27/07/2015 13:06

I'd let them go.

TheRealAmyLee · 27/07/2015 13:09

It's not cruel to send your kids on holiday with their dad. They need to learn to be away from you for short periods. It's not like they will be with strangers. Send them, don't feel guilty and let him take some childcare strain for a while.

Spartans · 27/07/2015 13:11

It's not cruel. They are a good age to go.

Just make sure your ex knows, especially if one is possibly attention aeeking a little. So he can put a plan in place.

I would also say don't offer to go get them if one is unhappy. Either they all stay all ex brings them both back.

Dd and ds (11 and 4) are going away with my parents for a week soon. They will miss us, but also have an amazing time. If you trust the ex to take them away, trust him to deal with it. That's how I think of it. I trust mum and dad with them so trust them to deal with any small issues.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/07/2015 13:11

It's not cruel at all and if he only has them over night twice a year you are LONG over due a break. Don't feel guilty it will be good for them, their dad and you.

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 13:12

5foot5 I meant because I know they will get upset halfway through the week should I have been stepping in and saying no.

I do think its good that they go and I agree it's high time they got used to it. I just wondered if I was being selfish and not putting them first. this thread is such a relief.

Keeping busy is a good tip, I will pass it along

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2015 13:46

Arrange to be away at the same time "for work"

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 13:54

I think I might just have a conference coming up now you mention it

OP posts:

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 27/07/2015 14:02

Yes! A conference! Is that the one that will be so terribly good for your career? You MUST go!

Seriously - you must trust their Dad to manage. He might not do things your way, but that doesn't mean he's doing things wrong. If he's anything like my DH, the kids will come home vv dirty and vv tired, but will be vv happy, and even happier when they see you and that you've had a good time at your conference. It will be great for their confidence and self esteem to have stayed away for a whole week, and set them up nicely for school trips and other sleepovers (Brownies, Cubs etc).

We currently have Brownie that cries at every sleepover (once a term), but who always comes to the next one. Every time she asks to go home but, with the parents' blessing, we tell her it's too late and that Mum and Dad will be sleeping/have gone out/other excuse of the day and that we'll call them in the morning. Come the morning, the tears are all forgotten and she just cracks on with the planned activities like it never happened.

FinallyHere · 27/07/2015 14:05

I'd encourage you to get rid of your mindset that they 'will be homesick' and get into the way of 'they may miss me briefly but this will be for a long term benefit'.

Otherwise, they may pick up on your misgivings and make sure your view turns out correct. I would hope you don't want them to be homesick.

Kindest

EatShitDerek · 27/07/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysSpoiled34 · 27/07/2015 14:57

It is your choice but I would wait until they are 10. There are lots of activities and day camps. They are too young to be away from home.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 27/07/2015 15:08

AlwaysSpoiled - would you not let your DCs go on Brownie/Cub camp then? Those kids are 7-10 years, and frequently go away for several days at a time, where they are expected to help with all sorts of chores.

Many schools offer residental trips to kids under 10. Would you not allow your DCs to go on these either?

Presumably, you'd allow the kids to "be away from home" with their mother, so why can't they go away with their father?

Bonsoir · 27/07/2015 15:13

Of course it's fine.

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 27/07/2015 16:13

Finally of course I wouldn't want them to be homesick what an odd thing to say. I am going from past experience which tells me that the youngest will cry to come home. She cries to come home when she stays for one night, never mind a week.

MrsLeigh I do totally trust him to look after them and I don't pass judgement on his way of doing things. I am only worried that it will be a nightmare for everyone if they start crying to come home. My initial thought is that it's not my problem, I won't be there. But then I felt bad for thinking that.

Derek seems your parents made the most of it eh!

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 27/07/2015 18:19

I'm usually of the 'wait until they are ready' school of thought and haven't get let my almost 8 year old go to Beavers sleepovers and wouldn't send him on a school residential if that were on the cards either. But in this scenario I would let them go. They will be with their dad and they deserve to bond with him and strengthen that relationship. He wants them for a week - that's to be encouraged. Plus you can discuss management of homesickness with him beforehand.

They will be together, the oldest is nearly secondary school age and the youngest is not a small child any more. They will be with their dad. It's as gentle a first time away experience as there is.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 27/07/2015 18:41

i can see why you're nervous, but you must leave them go.
they'll be fine.
they need time with their dad too.
enjoy your week off.

SaucyJack · 27/07/2015 18:47

Your ex sounds like a waste of space. I do understand your concerns. He may be their father, but he doesn't have a proven track record of looking after them.

Why they sudden change in behaviour?

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