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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a quiet day?

13 replies

Jdee41 · 25/07/2015 13:22

My dad died a couple of years on the morning of DD2s birthday. DW wants a party for DD every year, but I dread the thought of a house full of little ones, in laws and people when all I can think of is when we lost my dad (it was very sudden).

AIBU to want a quiet day? I have suffered from depression for a while and feel rubbish for not feeling better on DDs birthday.

OP posts:

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/07/2015 13:25

YANBU to want to mourn your dad, but honestly, I do think YABU to want to do it on your DD's birthday. Can you set aside another day to have as a quiet remembrance day? I think that it is unfair on your DD to have her day dedicated to her dead grandfather.

Fatmomma99 · 25/07/2015 13:25

I can see why it makes you sad, but (sorry) I think it's not fair on your DD to make her special day into a sad occasion, so as hard as it is I think you need to try and do your best to make her birthday fun and special for her.

I would hope your DW would be able to understand and give you some quiet support too.

And here are my condolences. I lost mine 3 years ago and still miss him very much.

AlpacaMyBags · 25/07/2015 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fatmomma99 · 25/07/2015 13:27

just read mellowjellos post and its' given me a thought - perhaps there could be a point in DDs birthday where you all remember and toast (in some form) your dad, so that he's able to be a part of your DDs life even though she never knew him?

That keeps his memory alive, acknowledges your pain and allows your DC to remember their roots.

SaucyJack · 25/07/2015 13:29

Do you have a physical place where his ashes or grave is? Could you maybe go there for a hour or so in the morning and let it out, and then go back and join in with the party?

Original poster

Jdee41 · 25/07/2015 13:29

Thanks for that. I've been struggling to get energy to celebrate all day (DD3 has us up nights!!) but am just about to attempt to assemble a doll's house - so expect 'AIBU to expect dolls houses to be easier to assemble' at any minute ;)

OP posts:

spanky2 · 25/07/2015 13:32

Have a party out. Build a bear or bowling, soft play? They do all the work. Also take an hour to yourself to mourn your Dad, somewhere quiet. You need to let life continue and try to celebrate your dd's special day.

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/07/2015 13:33

Good luck, and I think the suggestions about having a small way to incorporate your father into the day in a positive way are good (as long as they don't just make you feel sad for the whole day). And please don't feel bad about not feeling better for your DD - of course it's important to make an effort, but it sounds like you really are, and there's no point feeling bad about having feelings! Hope she loves the doll's house!

DoJo · 25/07/2015 13:37

I agree with others that your daughter's birthday shouldn't be set aside completely for mourning although it is understandable to want to have a few moments' peace to think about your dad. Are you getting enough support for your depression? Because if you weren't struggling the rest of the time, it might be easier to see the appeal of a day where you can honour your dad and celebrate your daughter together.

Original poster

Jdee41 · 25/07/2015 14:03

Doll's house up! [punches air]

I do think I need to give myself a kick up the bum with this as I don't want to mope and drag her birthday down.

spanky2 - I've been on ADs since last year. Had some work issues which have dragged things down, though.

Thanks all for your helpful posts.

OP posts:

Baddz · 25/07/2015 14:14

I really do sympathise op...we lost my dad 2 years ago this weekend and it's so hard :(
I find even happy times...b days, Xmas etc are always tinged with sadness now.
What I would say is this...what would your dad think? I am sure he would want you to celebrate your dds b day and remember the happy times, and not focus on the sad.
It's a hard thing to do though!
Perhaps after the party you could go for a walk/to the cemetery/have some quiet time to yourself to remember your dad?

crazykat · 25/07/2015 14:52

I really feel for you op. I lost my mum 18 months ago and at times it's very hard.

Yanbu to find it hard to have a house full of kids and relatives when for you there's one missing, but equally it's not fair to not have a party for your dd because it's hard for you.

As pp have said I'd have tye party out somewhere like soft play or bowling, that way your dd gets a brilliant birthday and you can stop out if you feel overwhelmed. Plus the bonus of no clean up.

I have tough moments on my dcs birthdays and Christmas where all I can think of is that my mum should be here, the only thing that gets me through is remembering how much she loved seeing them open their presents and enjoying themselves.

It's bloody hard though op, try and have an hour to yourself tonight if you can. Try and explain to your dw how you're feeling, she won't realise how hard today can be for you unless you tell her.

Smoorikins · 25/07/2015 15:03

It gets easier, I promise.

My dad died on the morning if a big celebration day. It took five years, but I an now happy to celebrate once again on that day. Maybe not quite in the same way, but nevertheless.

I don't think yabu at all. My kids issues were always on the nearest weekend day.

For those that day it shouldn't be 'set aside' for mourning - have you lost someone that close to you? Every year in the early days I would be like 'I'll be fine this year', but then the actual day comes and hits you in the face. It's not a choice, believe me.

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