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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up making an effort?

21 replies

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 11:41

I've never really had a huge amount of friends, lots of associates and few good friends I can rely on 100%.

When I had DS I found it hard to go to Mum and Baby groups but I did it for DS and also to keep me sane and picked up a few friends. I find now that we are all back at work, I am always the one messaging how are they, how are their LOs. Also my non parent friends.

I never get a message out of the blue from any of them, how am i etc.

Should I just give it up as a bad job?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2015 12:04

Difficult one.
Do you get together with these people.
I am always the one who contacts my friends and I always arrange the get togethers.
It's just the way it is. I am that type of person and everyone knows it.
It's the same with my sister and my parents.
Or maybe it's just me

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 12:47

I try to - Its difficult what with me working full time (some of them are part time) and us all having our own family time at a weekend etc.

OP posts:

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/07/2015 12:52

I think you have to judge every friendship on its individual merits rather than lumping them all in together. Evaluate each one, and think about whether it's reciprocal and valuable. Fwiw I don't think that the fact that a working mother of a small child does not message out of the blue makes her a terrible person - as you know anyone in that position is terribly busy, so may not keep up to date with messages. Does not mean they don't value you. I have plenty of friends I see every few months and don't message in between - it's normal isn't it?

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:13

I just feels its always me making the effort. And not getting a random message. Im busy just as they are but find the time to drop a message every week or so.

OP posts:

SandysMam · 23/07/2015 14:16

You sound needy. Maybe that's why they don't bother...

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:30

Thanks Sandy Stick the boot in a bit more why dont you lol

OP posts:

SorchaN · 23/07/2015 14:32

I'm the type who doesn't message out of the blue... I can imagine it's frustrating for those of my friends who think of messages as a reciprocal thing. I definitely value my friends and think about them often, but I'm a bit rubbish about maintaining contact (largely because I feel overwhelmed with all the time-juggling I'm doing).

I agree about evaluating each friendship on its individual merits. And that some friendships survive very well even if you don't see each other for months. If you have enough in common, you'll be able to pick up where you left off.

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:34

Im just con cerned I guess that if i dont drop the odd "How are you" message, itll fizzle and go its own way.

Perhaps I will just wait and see who messages me next Thanks

OP posts:

Meemoll · 23/07/2015 14:39

I understand OP. I'm the same, and I've realised that for me it isn't ok. It takes a lot for me to put myself out there and organise stuff, and I realise that with a lot of 'friends' they were making no effort because they just weren't that interested. I was just someone to meet up with me and moan about their 'real friends'. If you are not happy with it, then respect your own feelings and step back a bit. Is there any friends that you could have an honest chat with about it? It's not needy to want to be respected within a friendship. Good luck and perhaps see if it's time to focus on different people and see if some more balanced friendships might flourish elsewhere.

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:45

Thanks for the nice reply Meemoll I just feel like I am playing the fool always being the one to suggest things, send messages etc.

I wish my best friend lived nearer sigh

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 23/07/2015 14:48

I was friendly with someone who lives about a mile away for about 12 years. I supported her through the breakup of her marriage and a subsequent relationship breakdown.
Then one day I realised because I had been very busy I had not heard from her for about six weeks. When I thought about it more I realised that she had not actually contacted me at all for about five years, it was always me sorting out the meet ups.
So I just left it and waited for her to contact me, that was six years ago and she has still not been in touch!
Its sad because I really liked her and thought the feeling was mutual but obviously not.

WaggleBee · 23/07/2015 14:49

It's not needy. What a silly thing to say.

Know what you mean and I'm afraid your suspicions may be right with some of them. I gave up on being the one to always make contact when I became ill last year and did find that, that was it.

Are you always the one consoling and listening to everyone else's problems too by any chance?

That won't all be like that though.

Meemoll · 23/07/2015 14:54

Good, glad it helped. It's so important to nurture relationships that help you feel better about yourself.

starkers1 · 23/07/2015 14:57

OP- I also got really paranoid about this when I was 1st of my group to go back to work. Sine then we all have. Remember- l on mat leave you are all totally baby focused - but add work to the crazy juggling act and you don’t have time to think about much else. I realised it really wasn’t thoughtlessness/lack of interest, just priority on their own lives as has to happen to make work and kids possible.
Try to remember - if you act and feel more care free and not friendship obsessed you just give off this vibe and things will come to you a bit more with messages/contact..whenever I feel this way I force myself to smile and shrug it off never knowing what surprise in a sudden message or contact will be round the corner…and they do then come.

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:58

Fairy Thats quite sad for you - what a crap friend.

Waggle Yes and no. I sometimes get a message from one particular friend to say look what R (Her DD) has learnt. I reply with the usual oh thats great etc etc and then despite a message a few days later from me enquiring how they all are... nothing.

I know I have a few friends who I dont hear from but not through malice, I have some friends who know I dont always reply because Im busy but we usually catch each other coming back after a day or two.

Its the ones who i message and nothing yet when they want to share something I get a message.

I think you're right Meemol

OP posts:

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:59

starkers I think you are also right. Im just gonna sit back, chill a bit and see what happens

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/07/2015 15:29

I think very often though, friendships are "of a time and place"

People are friendly whilst they see a person regularly, but it doesn't mean they need to retain that person as a lifelong friend.

This is particularly common with work colleagues, with other parents at baby groups, with other parents from the school playground, or other parents from your dcs' hobbies ~ If I kept in touch with a fraction of those people I'd been friendly with over the years, I'd have to be sending texts 24/7 to keep up, and missing out on actually living my life as it is at the moment.

It's not a reflection on any of those people I've been friendly with, but you can't keep in touch with everyone for ever - that would be ridiculous. Just accept that people move on.
IME, you very often then meet up with someone, through another situation as your dc grow - you'll find yourself waiting together outside cubs or the dance class or the swimming lessons, or looking round schools at the same time, etc., and it's easy to pick up the friendship again then when you see them.

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 15:34

BackforGood Yes, life friends. I have some of those I dont even bat an eyelid to/about now (like old college/uni friends) yet some that still keep in contact on special occassions but are fondly thought of. I suppose without new stage friends, we'd never learn and grow.

Wise words.

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Original poster

cjt110 · 23/07/2015 15:52

. As if by coincidence/magic/wizzardry, I have just had a message from a friend I rarely hear from unless I initiate... How curious

OP posts:

CrapBag · 23/07/2015 21:15

That is strange!

I'm having a bit of difficulty with a 'friend'. One of her supposed reasons is she is fed up of being the one to get on touch. Well I used to get in touch and it would be probably 50/50 whether I'd get a reply so I stopped bothering. Same old same old "oh I know I'm crap, you know what I'm like" etc etc. She can hardly be surprised that I can't really be bothered. Plus our group don't really do that "hi just thought I'd see how you are doing" thing and catch up if and when we see each other so I'm confused as to why she has singled me out but I can't be bothered to give a crap really.

It's a relief to see that others agree that a lot of people don't tend to get in touch just to see how people are. Most people are quite crap at replying so I'm not surprised that people don't bother unless it's for something specific.

There does tend to be 1 or 2 in a group who do the organising and the rest turn up if they can make it. If you are happy to be that person, carry on, if not take a step back and see the friendships for what they are/were.

wallypops · 23/07/2015 21:40

I'm terrible and I fully acknowledge it. I never contact anyone without a reason but will happily respond to people. It doesn't mean I don't love my friends and family. I really do. My best friend lives in the same village as me and we see each every couple of months. I don't much like the phone either. I prefer text. It's short and to the point. I'm sorry but if your friends are like me up at 6 and on the go until they drop chatting goes by the wayside.

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