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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People asking if I am pregnant

19 replies

mindthegap79 · 29/06/2015 20:38

I may or may not be pregnant and over half way through my first trimester. I won't confirm or deny, what with it being so early, pre scan and not even all of my nearest and dearest knowing yet. You get the picture.

2 colleagues (who I'm not especially close to) have asked colleague who I am close to if I am pregnant. Luckily she threw them off the scent.

Am I being unreasonable to think that you should never ask if someone is pregnant? Especially if you are a famous blabbermouth and absolutely the last person I would choose to confide in, even if we were close

Obviously I shall be wearing baggy things for the foreseeable future and possibly stooping a bit.

I work in a public facing role in the public sector. I try my best to keep my business private. I am miffed that certain colleagues don't respect this.

Am I being oversensitive or are they very rude?

OP posts:

joopy79 · 29/06/2015 20:44

You don't ask someone if they are pregnant. BUT you might ask someone if their close friend is.
I can do understand being offended if you're not pregnant but it sounds like you are. Is it because they've guessed your secret?

victoryinthekitchen · 29/06/2015 20:45

I never ask if people are pregnant because I get asked and I'm not pregnant, I've just got a mumtum and it annoys me. I think unless it's a very close friend you shouldn't ask unless she is actually in labour ;)

1Morewineplease · 29/06/2015 20:53

To be honest if a young female colleague suddenly put weight on round the tummy and nowhere else... I'd ask a fellow colleague the very same question... Sorry... It's not malicious just curiosity... It's very difficult for some folk to hide a pregnancy til the 12 week scan... Just saying..

NobodyLivesHere · 29/06/2015 20:56

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking someone else. It's just idle curiousity.

MrsHathaway · 29/06/2015 20:59

It's bad to ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can see the head.

I think asking your friend is a huge amount more polite than asking you, but it's still nosey and discourteous. If you haven't been told she's pregnant, it's none of your fucking business.

I've put weight on unusually fast recently after a period of losing weight unusually fast (autoimmune thyroid disorder) and in the last few days people who don't know I've been ill have really been giving me funny looks. It's upsetting.

If you were pregnant I would now wish you all the very best.

freezation · 29/06/2015 21:07

YANBU. It's seriously rude to ask this. You wouldn't announce it until you were ready so why ask? And the alternative is that you've put on weight which you also wouldn't want pointing out. And having to lie can make you feel really awkward. It amazes me that someone would ask this. Even not directly. Just no.

CalleighDoodle · 29/06/2015 21:07

Half way through first trimester? What about 7/8 weeks? How would anybody know at that stage unless you were being a bit of a pregnant drama lama? Baggy clothes?! Already?! Thats too many pies. Not a baby.

Original poster

mindthegap79 · 29/06/2015 21:07

Thanks for all the replies! I think I'm partly miffed because in my job you're almost public property in terms of people's nosiness. Before I had dc1 I was often asked if/when I'd be trying for a baby. Honestly, from people I hardly knew, who knew nothing about me. It took us a very long time to get pregnant with dc1, and it was so upsetting to be asked just so people had something to gossip about.

Most of my colleagues fully understand this - it drives them mad too on occasion. One of the colleagues in question actually told several people about a fellow colleague's pregnancy a few years back, after colleague made the mistake of confiding in her.

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/06/2015 21:10

People gossip. Bit naive of you to expect it to never be about you.

freezation · 29/06/2015 21:18

That's lovely Calleigh . I was showing a bit at 7/8 weeks. It turns out I was expecting twins but still, second baby you do show sooner.

DoJo · 29/06/2015 21:24

I don't think you should ever ask someone, either directly, or via someone else. If they are pregnant and they want you to know, then they will tell you. If they are pregnant and they don't want you to know, then they have their reasons and forcing them into a situation where they have to lie to avoid sharing personal information is rude. If they aren't, then it could be really difficult for them to have to deal with questions on the matter.

There is really no good reason to ask someone apart from nosiness, and when it comes to sticking your beak into something like this, which can be hugely emotionally messy and physically draining, then surely living with your curiosity is better than potentially upsetting someone?

Original poster

mindthegap79 · 29/06/2015 21:31

I agree - nosiness is no excuse for potentially really upsetting someone.

Calleigh

OP posts:

DonkeyOaty · 29/06/2015 21:48

RUDE

fwiw I sucked in my second pg til after the 20 week scan for various reasons (God bless sucky-in pants)

hideandseekpig · 29/06/2015 21:59

This reminds me of when my colleague asked me if I was pregnant when I was about 11 weeks pregnant and just at the feeling very sick stage...She emailed me and asked me if I was because I was looking really rough and acting really moody

I said I was and also thanks for that! I didn't get on with her that well but in response yanbu it is rude. Wait until they are ready to share before asking or speculating to others!

hideandseekpig · 29/06/2015 22:00

Also reminds me of the programme "episodes" where that lady is clearly very pregnant but hasn't announced it and nobody wants to ask her! Very funny! If anyone watches it!

Purplepoodle · 29/06/2015 22:07

Most of my work mates guessed I was pregnant with no2 at 10 weeks, only got to 7 weeks with number 3 tbf I was huge

HaleMary · 29/06/2015 22:16

Exactly what DoJo said. When people want you to know they will tell you. I told no one I was pregnant (complications - wasn't sure I wouldn't need to terminate) until almost 18 weeks, and despite having two close friends as colleagues, and audibly throwing up in the loos most days and disappearing for medical appointments, no one snooped via my friends, and my friends didn't try to force my confidence before I was ready to tell. Of course they guessed, but I very much appreciated their tact.

Bunbaker · 29/06/2015 22:27

It might be rude, but human nature being what it is won't stop some people from speculating. A work colleague had a baby last year. She had lost a lot of weight and had, I thought, put it back on because I didn't ask anyone whether she was pregnant. It turns out she was and I felt stupid because I was the only one in the office who hadn't known she was pregnant!

Sorka · 29/06/2015 22:42

I'm not pregnant, and no-one has directly said anything, but I keep getting offered seats on the tube. I'm a healthy weight but currently weigh about half/three-quarters of a stone more than my comfortable weight. ALL my extra weight has gone to my belly - the rest of me is slim.

So, when people offer me seats on the tube I smile politely, remind myself that the nice people do not mean to upset me, try and fool myself that men are being chivalrous (trickier with women!), then leg it off the tube after the end of my short trip.

Today the train conductor on the mainline offered to let me first class. I thought he was letting standard class passengers sit there because the train was so rammed. Nope....just me. MORTIFIED!!!!!

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