Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Or maybe have I been unreasonable-DV

21 replies

Smerlin · 27/06/2015 13:07

Just want some perspective on what others think in terms of whether what I have done was unreasonable or not. My husband slapped me fairly hard on the leg during an argument last night. I called the police and he ended up cautioned for common assault.

Our relationship is generally very good however rarely, (e.g. about once every 2-3 years) there has been an incident where an argument has turned slightly physical - previously a hard push type thing. This is the first time it has been a slap, it shocked and hurt me so I reported it.

We are both educated professionals who through our careers have worked with many many survivors of DV so when it happened to me, I reported it as we would advise others to do

However now I worry I have been unreasonable and should have tried to talk to him as I am not exactly in fear of him and as this has given him a criminal record and I have no idea how that will affect his career which requires DBS and Security Clearance.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 27/06/2015 13:13

you were right to report. Assault is assault.
The caution will not show up on a normal DBS and would only show up on an enhanced DBS at the discretion of the chief constable who has to deem that it has a bearing on the particular job/vocation/situation that has instigated the check.
Talking would be a good idea too...try to find a way that when arguments get heated one or other of you can call time BEFORE control is lost. better still have an agreement about how you discuss and disagree in a reasonable and adult fashion

LordEmsworth · 27/06/2015 13:14

Maybe he should have thought about the consequences before he hit you... The consequences are not your fault, they are his.

I am glad you rang the police, I only wish you didn't continue in a relationship where one or both of you (not clear whether the pushing & shoving is mutual, or him to you) think physical violence is ok.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/06/2015 13:16

It doesn't matter if you fear him or not and why and you worrying about it affecting his career?! You were assaulted and did the right thing to report it

maras2 · 27/06/2015 13:16

YNBU.If this does impact on his career serve him right.May teach him to keep his hands to himself.Sounds as if the violence is escalating so best to have nipped it in the bud.Hope you're ok today.

ASettlerOfCatan · 27/06/2015 13:19

Take yourself out for a moment. If someone told you this story what would you advise? Assault is assault. Police clearly didn't think you were overreacting if he has had a formal caution.

If more people had the courage to respond this way maybe more serious incidents could be avoided. You sent the message "I will NOT tolerate you laying hands on me." That's a message we should ALL have.

ApocalypseThen · 27/06/2015 13:31

It's not the first time he's put his hand up to you in am argument and it sounds like this was a worse incident than the previous ones. You don't need a gang of randoms off mumsnet to tell you that if you don't deal with it now it's not going to improve.

Plus, you're not responsible for his career limiting behaviour.

SorchaN · 27/06/2015 13:31

You did the right thing. The consequences are his responsibility, not yours.
As you know, domestic violence tends to escalate. You need to consider your safety.

KurriKurri · 27/06/2015 13:39

Previously it has been a hard push, now it is a slap. Next time he might go up another gear - a punch?

You were absolutely right to report him, any consequences of that reporting are consequences he has bought on himself, he did have the option not to hit you if he was worried about getting a record.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it is easy to say from the other side of the computer screen that you should leave him, I've been in an abusive relationship and I know it is not that easy, and there are many many complicated emotional things going on and ties that are hard to break. I will say since leaving my X I have never felt freer or more confident. Do think about what you want in life, I sincerely think that you deserve far far better than to be with a man who assaults you. Good luck and much love

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/06/2015 13:39

What is his line on it today? What is he going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Alipally1 · 27/06/2015 13:40

I wonder if he thinks you've been unreasonable. You don't say you've discussed it with him at all. You say you are worrying - is he? I agree with LordEmsworth - perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship if arguments escalate to a physical level and maybe you can't discuss problems, or maybe counselling would be worthwhile. Discussion is not easy in many relationships, educated professionals or not. You obviously care for him but only you can decide if it's worthwhile.

Original poster

Smerlin · 27/06/2015 13:51

He is only just on way back now- seems to have taken them an inordinate time to go through the process so I don't know what he is thinking only that last night he seemed to be thinking I was making a fuss over nothing. Which is what he has thought every time and obviously it does pale in comparison to some of the cases we know of but as another poster said, I wanted to draw the line and he didn't seem to realise that what he had done was unacceptable, no matter how jaded one is.

Talking about 'us' has always been difficult - he has had severe depression and we have both had counselling but separately not together.

I hope this has made things clear for him as things had been going well for a while- we were both tired at the end of a long working day and our toddler was being difficult but things just got out of hand and I just wanted to check with people that my response was proportionate - it's actually so much harder when it happens to you to think clearly.

No I am not violent to him but not offended you asked!

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 27/06/2015 14:08

only that last night he seemed to be thinking I was making a fuss over nothing. Which is what he has thought every time
Does he minimise violence in other situations?
Does he minimise your feelings?

Your response was entirely proportionate, he assaulted you, you called the police. If you were tired and in a restaurant and the waiter slapped you and blamed it on a long day and being tired, would you ignore? An excuse is an excuse, it legitimises nothing.

HelenMirrensHair · 27/06/2015 14:38

Assault is assault is assault is assault

Ask yourself Would s/he have done this to a stranger? Why does doing it to someone you 'love' make it leIf anything it should be seen as worse. . .

It will escalate, it may be slow, it may not always be physical, but it's abuse and it will continue.

Just because someone else was beaten black and blue doesn't mean that it's ok to slap you.

Your reaction was totally reasonable.

Please look after yourself and your little one

AuntyMag10 · 27/06/2015 14:41

Yanbu, you can have an argument without resorting to violence.
This should not be minimized because the next time he might try it again.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 15:10

I'm afraid next time it will be a punch, not a slap, and then it will get worse. Your relationship is founded on the idea that he is the important one, the boss, the star and you are his inferior. You're the one who gets punished for disobedience and disrespect.

And I am concerned but not surprised that he has worked with survivors of DV. A percentage of abusive men actively seek out jobs with a 'caring/helping' component (doctors, counsellors, lawyers, charity workers etc). This gives them a constant supply of ego-stroking, plus improved chances that their victims will not be believed ('But he's such a Wonderful Man! Either you are a mad lying spiteful slut or whatever he did to you, whether hitting you or raping you, you deserved it because he's officially Wonderful) and, in some cases, exquisite wank material in terms of learning the details of abuse perpetrated on other women, perhaps. Maybe he has a lot of opportunity to exercise power and control safely over DV victims by insisting that they describe what was done to them, aggressively questioning them until they cry on the grounds that 'this is what will happen in court', etc.

You've got a man who considers women less than human, OP. Isn't it time to think about getting rid?

Original poster

Smerlin · 27/06/2015 20:20

I appreciate that you are trying to I've advice SolidGoldBrass which I appreciate but I don't think a couple of bad actions, very bad actions even, mean someone is corrupt and rotten to the core. I would be wiring off a huge number of people I work with if that were the case.

OP posts:

popalot · 27/06/2015 20:26

Solid has a point tho; if you both work with DV victims why does he lay his hands on you? He must be saying to them that it is never acceptable, so why would he do it?

woowoo22 · 27/06/2015 20:32

Agree with pp - this is a massive headfuck.

He is esentially condoning the behaviour of the people he works with? Ie the abusers.

How awful for you OP and even if you think it is "only" every 2-3 years, these things can escalate very quickly.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 21:37

If he works with victims of DV and yet he feels entitled to attack his partner then you having him arrested might get him sacked. I really, really hope it does. He is not fit to do that kind of job because he thinks it's acceptable FOR HIM tobeat his partner.

Finola1step · 27/06/2015 21:40

Is he a copper?

edamsavestheday · 27/06/2015 21:42

SGB is right. I don't see how anyone decent who works with victims of DV could hit their own partner.

Flip