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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this takes the piss?

23 replies

idokidok13 · 23/06/2015 08:52

Ex always decides to tell me he wants to have ds last minute, as in, he text me at 10 last night saying he wants to pick ds up at 9 for the day. Then I get a text saying he's going to be late but obviously I knew that, he's always late.
he knows what days he has of work, he gets a monthly rota, his days off are always different days so I jave no idea when he will want ds or not, this means I can't ever plan to do anything by myself when he's got ds and it also means my plans with ds get messed up because his dad might suddenly want him.
I've asked him to give me a bit more notice. Even if its just a couple of days, but apparently im lecturing him and am the devil.
Ds is almost 2 so its not like it effects him yet but it really really annoys me that he basically makes no commitments to him, he just decides he wants to play dad for a day last minute because he has nothing better to.
I was going to do some stuff with ds today but I'll just do it tomorrow now, its annoying though that my plans have to change last minute because dickhead decided to text me last night. But i want ds to see his dad so i don't want to say no or anything.
Argh.

OP posts:

Original poster

idokidok13 · 23/06/2015 08:53

Sorry that's 10pm last night saying he wanted to pick up as at 9am today. So that's what 11 hours before.

OP posts:

Perfectlypurple · 23/06/2015 08:55

He will continue to do this if you let him. You need to start saying no and that you have plans and if you have more notice you will know which days to not make plans with ds.

flagnogbagnog · 23/06/2015 08:55

I think you should say no a few times, 'that's not good for me, already have plans tomorrow'. Maybe he'll start giving you a bit more notice?

QuiteLikely5 · 23/06/2015 08:55

What you need to do is ask for something set in stone.

See if he can commit to it. Tell him that unless you get a schedule for the month the day after he gets his shifts there is going to be no contact for that month.

Trust me he will soon learn.

Don't treat this relationship with your son and his father as a priority when he treats it like an option.

Stand firm.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/06/2015 08:56

You can say no if you have something planned and its not convenient. Not to bepetty but if you really have a reason. But in the message ask him what days he's off so you can both work out a day that suits.

Rosieliveson · 23/06/2015 08:57

I don't think he'll ever change whilst you are dropping your own plans at a moments notice. Perhaps saying you had plans or that it's not convenient a few times will prompt him to start giving advance notice. If he's not willing to do that then, in my opinion, he's not as bothered about seeing his child as you'd like to think.

Original poster

idokidok13 · 23/06/2015 08:58

I just feel a bit like if I start saying no then im kind of using ds to prove a point, i don't want it to seem like im stopping anyone seeing him but i dont know how else to get through to him that its not on.

OP posts:

CremeBrulee · 23/06/2015 09:11

You need to make him understand that you & DS are not at his neck & call. You say you can't go out or plan activities in case your ex calls & wants to see DS. So drop that behaviour and plan your activities.

If ex calls and you have made plans then say so. You don't have to be rude just simply say it's not convenient we have plans for the day. He will soon learn that you are not going to drop everything to meet his needs and make plans with you.

Are you worried what his reaction would be if you said no?

QuiteLikely5 · 23/06/2015 09:16

No. You need to change your thought process. You are doing your son a favour in the long term if you set clear consistent contact rules.

If your ex doesn't like it or can't put his sons needs above his own then he is bad news anyway.

CakeLady1 · 23/06/2015 10:04

He's not being reasonable, he's being a fair weather father, picking up DS as and when it suits him only. He needs to be more considerate of your plans and sort out some sort of routine or else as DS gets older he'll not know whether he's coming or going where his dad is concerned.

StEdmundsPippins · 23/06/2015 10:14

If he has a monthly rota then he's quite able to let you know which days he will be able to have his DS.
If you've made plans for yourself and DS then stick to them, otherwise he will continue to behave in this way, and that's not fair to you or your child.

It's also teaching your child that it's ok to drop a plan when something 'better' comes along. I am in no way saying your ex is better than you, but the 'Disney Dad' often has 'treats, excitement and fun' hovering over their heads in invisible neon lights, and if you continue to put yourself second by dropping your plans for your ex, then one day your child may start to do it too.

pictish · 23/06/2015 10:27

He's effectively controlling your life. You can't make plans and you jump to, the moment he clicks his fingers. Your life is dictated by his.
No one expects you to live like that for the sake of your child.
Most people have a set arrangement in order to avoid this very scenario. Everyone knows what's happening, mum and dad can get on with their lives apart.
You have got to seek advice on this.

pictish · 23/06/2015 10:29

Sorry I mean via CA initially.

The5DayChicken · 23/06/2015 10:35

Stop enabling him! Just go about your life and make plans the way you normally would. If he asks for contact and you've got plans, say no and explain why. When he gets frustrated by this, explain it's in DS's interest for your ex to request contact days on a monthly basis when he gets his rota but until that happens, he has no choice but to accept that you have a life.

pictish · 23/06/2015 10:38

But I absolutely agree that you should go ahead and make plans and stick to them. "Tomorrow doesn't work, I have plans." a few times might put the wheels in motion for a bit of planning on his part.

If he gets nasty or accuses you of keeping his son from him, tell him you want a monthly set plan because you're no longer willing to live your life according to his whims. Furthermore, you will seek legal advice if he refuses to provide one.

Don't be having this nonsense any more. Again...no one expects you to be at his beck and call.

trashcanjunkie · 23/06/2015 11:03

I had this with my twins dad. Eventually I found the courage and strength to insist upon regular contact. If you think you'll placate him by doing it this way, I'm afraid it won't last. The most freeing thought for me was ' no matter what I do it won't be good enough, so bugger it'

I wrote a letter saying I was offering contact on a Saturday morning. I stuck to it rigidly. All hell broke loose but eventually he got the message. It may be that contact stops for a time, but in the long term if he truly wants to see his child he will make the effort to stick to the routine. You are under no obligation to discuss it with him, and if he can't behave appropriately then you're well writhing your rights to seek outside help such as police or mediation.

trashcanjunkie · 23/06/2015 11:05

If you'll placate him doing it his way, not this, sorry.

Original poster

idokidok13 · 23/06/2015 13:08

He just doesn't get it, spoke to him about it and he said he shouldn't have to ask my permission to make plans!? basically because he planned to have a flying lesson tomorrow morning apparently and was expecting to have ds at 11 tomorrow when it finished and I was mad because he knew "the plan" for contact tomorrow but basically didn't bother to tell me until today when he came (late) to pick ds up, and assumed it will just be fine.
It just made me really angry the way he was like "well I've planned to do this, this and this and il have ds I between that" what about what i plan to do ffs? I don't CARE what he's planned go do he isn't that important ffs. He has the luxury of swanning about doing what he wants and fitting ds in whenever he feels like it then he could atleast have the decency to tell me when he is going to feel like it.
For all I knew he didn't want ds tomorrow at all, or was working or whatever. All im asking is that he tells me with a bit more notice so that I can plan my own life. I feel like im being nice enough because he can choose the days, times etc it can be whenever he wants just want him to tell me on advance that's it, my life is still dictated to by his work schedule, i mean set days a week will never happen though its make my life a gazzillion times easier but i dont even care about that i just want some notice and i dont want ds being treated like a last minute option that he is i capapable of making a comitment to

OP posts:

CarrotVan · 23/06/2015 13:56

So you make a month by month schedule when he gets his rota. All contact time is agreed at least a week in advance and then you stick to it. No last minute contact arrangements unless there's an emergency and if he needs someone to cover some of his contact time so he can do something else then he arranges it

StEdmundsPippins · 23/06/2015 14:02

But it's not about him having to ask you for permission to make plans is it. Don't let him make out that this situation is your fault, it isn't.

All you want is to know is what day he's having your DC that week, and what time he is collecting him, and for him to stick to those details like glue . It isn't rocket science is it.

Stand your ground. Be adamant that he has to let you know at the end or beginning of each week, what day/time is the next access day. If he's late by 20 mins - half an hour then that's it. Go off and do something else. If you had planned to do something yourself, then take DC with you.
Be consistant, make him see that actually, respect is a 2 way thing. you have shown him plenty, it's time he reciprocated that.

DinosaursRoar · 23/06/2015 14:04

New rule, you need at least 3 days notice, you can just say 'no' to every request with less than that notice. You have 'plans' already, if you'd given me a few days notice, I could have rearranged them. "I don't need to tell you what my plans are, we're not together." then quickly - "As we can't do tomorrow, do you want to discuss next week as I have things planned already and if you are going to want me to cancel them, I'll need notice, leave it to the last minute, and I won't be able to."

After a while, he'll start arranging in advance. If not, then he's not really all that fussed about seeing DS.

You aren't 'using DS' - you are teaching your ExP to treat your DS's time (and yours) with respect. At 2, your DS won't really understand, but as he gets older, he's going to want to be able to plan on when he sees his Dad. (Plus once he gets to school age, he'll have his own social life and will resent having to drop everything because Dad called.)

trashcanjunkie · 23/06/2015 14:36

Sorry but you're being a doormat. Set days can and do happen for millions of families. His lifestyle is nothing to do with you. I can't say it plainer than that, but as long as you take on board his problems, it will be to the detriment of you and your son. Think about it. If you are immovable, then he will have to say to his work, 'I can't work these days' or alternatively, like millions of other parents, he'll have to arrange childcare.

You can have control here, and no ones going to hand it over. You must seize it I'm afraid. It might be ropey for a few months, but eventually it makes for a happy routine. And for what it's worth, when your ex speaks to you like that, it's basically abusive and you don't have to put up with it. I had to suspend contact for three months as my ex couldn't keep his tongue in his head at change over. We went to mediation and it took fucking ages, but ten years later I don't ever have to listen to personal attacks and he sees his children twice weekly, regular as clockwork.

sliceofsoup · 23/06/2015 14:54

It might not be affecting DS now, but it very soon will. Children need stability, not unreliable and sporadic contact. He needs to realise that lifes spontaneity levels drop dramatically when there is a child on the scene.

I suggest you do the ground work now, so that you and DS can have a more stable life in the future. If ex "doesn't get it" well he doesn't need to. Explain once, and then after that, if you have plans you say no to contact.

I had to do similar when DD1 was a baby. My ex cares for her well, but he doesn't think of the bigger picture, and doesn't have a clue about children and their needs in general. I was very clear about how it was going to work, and I stood firm until he realised he wasn't getting his way. It was actually quite liberating after being bullied by him for so long. Things like cancelling contact because he had toothache...I asked him who would step in if I had toothache? He went through with the contact.

It isn't using DS, it is putting DS first. He might not be able to commit to a specific day each week, but as he gets his rota a month in advance he has absolutely no excuse.

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