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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel totally deflated by this text?

25 replies

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 14:41

"I do enjoy our text conversations. You're always so spectacularly verbose"

Today is DS's 10th birthday. I received the above text from DS's father. He lives in another city (his choice) and has seen DS twice this year. Between visits he makes no contact. He has not phoned DS or sent a cad to say happy birthday.

Yesterday he sent me a text indicating that he may come to see DS on Sunday. He may or may not turn up. I do not tell DS until I spcan actually see him at station as often does not show.

He texted this morning to ask if there is anything DS needs as he plans to take him shopping (DS hates shopping).

I replied politely but briefly. I have not replied to the above text as feel best ignored but feel upset by it.

As an absent father who does no parenting and who does not even contact his child for months at a time what does he expect from me? I should be happy and celebrating bringing DS into the world but instead up upset by a passive aggressive text.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/06/2015 14:43

Wow, it's all about him isn't it! What a prize.
Enjoy your day with your DS, what have you got planned?

Baies · 13/06/2015 14:45

The fact that he still has the power to upset you indicates that you're not fully over him yet. If you were, you'd not be exchanging ANY texts with him whatsoever - bar the very minimum that you need to - and a text like that little twatty dig one would just wash over you. It shouldn't even register really. Who gives a fuck what games he wants to play or what points he likes to score? You're bringing up your child with next to no input from him so please just press delete and get in with your day.

He's a useless twat who needs relegating to that position in your mind

CaTsMaMmA · 13/06/2015 14:47

for starters I'd make my own plans for sunday, and leave my phone at home so any texts from him fanfaring his arrival for his visit can be ignored

and secondly ignore him the rest of the time too, he is counting on you to be waiting for his pearls of wisdom, his attendance, his precious valuable time
...make your own plans and exclude him.

Baies · 13/06/2015 14:47

And it may be time to explore with DS whether he still wants to see his father because although I'm very pro children seeing the parents they don't live with , there comes a point where you need to make a stand.. No card? No contact for months? I'd be talking to him about cutting it off altogether because really, what is the point? He sounds utterly pathetic

Starlightbright1 · 13/06/2015 14:51

How does your DS feel about contact?

Let him take DS shopping assuming you have no other plans.. It will point out to Ds how little he knows him.

Chrysanthemum5 · 13/06/2015 15:02

Look I know it's upset you but his text does show he's an arse. Just be grateful he's not really in your life. If your DS would hate shopping (and mine would) I'd take him out for the day tomorrow as a birthday surprise. Leave your phone at home or on silent because realistically your ex probably isn't showing up tomorrow

MrsGoslingWannabe · 13/06/2015 15:13

He sounds like a right twat. I'd just text back "fuck off" and decide to have any future conversations by phone so he can't come up with that kind of passive-aggressive shite.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the day. And well done for being the parent that could be bothered.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 13/06/2015 15:14

how brief were you?

he's your ex, he doesnt have to be nice - "Yesterday he sent me a text indicating that he may come to see DS on Sunday. He may or may not turn up." this however is spectacularly shitty though

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 15:17

Sounds like you're well rid, OP.

ByeFelicia · 13/06/2015 15:18

I have an ex that sounds like yours -a total dickhead-. My approach is to not give him any air time - other than when he lies to or lets DS down - only then will he get a good verbal kicking.

Original poster

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 15:19

Thank you for your replies. Very comforting to hear that the consensus is that he is an arse...

I am about to take DS swimming Gilbert as feel that exercise is the best medicine and clearly my run this morning did not do its job properly.

baies I do keep texts to a minimum, civil but brief. He texted at last minute (as usual) to say he was coming so I simply repled to say that was fine. His response was several texts about taking DS shopping (probably has not even got DS a bday present but may also take him clothes shopping for himself as better shops here) and then the one above.. I feel,I am over him and I do not regret leaving him as I think best for DS but you are right he should not have the power to hurt me. I am actually angry at myself for letting him spoil a day I should be enjoying with my lovely son. I really want to be able to let his behaviour wash over me and not register. I just do not know how to get there :(

starlight DS seems happy enough to see him when he turns up. I have tried to talk to DS about it but DS is not keen. All his friends but one see their dad's regularly even if parents not together. I have always tried to be neutral about DS father but is hard. He honestly thinks he is an ok dad. Is astounding to me.

The idea of just ignoring him tomorrow is so tempting chyrsanthamum so tempting.......

OP posts:

Original poster

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 15:24

Was very tempted to do that Mrsgosling. I try hard yo maintain moral Hugh ground but sometimes wonder why I bother.

Dragon I replied somethint like ' hi that is fine for Sunday avo' which I feel is civil albeit brief...

I knew he would surface about now so was expecting a text. Other option would have been for him to get in touch wanting to see DS on Father's Day to get some of that glory....ha ha I already booked something for DS and I to do that afternoon as no way does he deserve Father's Day.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 13/06/2015 15:26

He's just stamping his foot because you won't humour him with long replies sounding delighted to hear from him. It's pathetic, really: 'Wahwahwah, why aren't you paying me any attention?'

Fuck that. Certainly don't let it upset you.

Baies · 13/06/2015 15:27

It takes time gilmour but you'll get there. Meeting someone else , having an absorbing job or hobby, relishing the fact that you're free of this imbecile will all eventually play their part in you moving on

I'd be tempted to buy a cheap payg mobile. Top it up with a tenner. Give him that number and tell him it's your new one. Switch it in and check messages once a week/ month. Leaves your real mobile free of this shite

AlternativeTentacles · 13/06/2015 15:43

I love a response that someone suggested on here when someone is trying to goad you by text.

'thanks for the info'.

Spectacularly nondescript, and takes the insult for what it is worth and files it just like any other bollocks from them.

'Thanks for the info, see you tomorrow at x' would work in this instance.

Muskey · 13/06/2015 15:56

It's times like this you can thank your lucky stars that he is an ex. There usually a good reason why partners become ex.

Enjoy your time with your ds and don't let him goad you

Original poster

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 17:20

Thanks everyone ??

I feel a bit calmer after my swim (despite DS standing at side of lane splashing me each time I swam past doing backstroke) and am going to focus on how glad I am to be DS's mum and make sure he has a fantastic birthday.

Sometimes the contrast between the effort I put in caring for and the love I show DS and the lack of input from his father still jars after all the years. Need to remember it is his loss. DS is wonderful and I am so glad I had him, but will always be a bit sad that he only has me as a parent and it is hard work trying to be everything to him, he told me that I am like a mum and a dad to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 17:21

Thanks tentacles will definitely use that in the future. Miss read the x time as a kiss

OP posts:

rumbleinthrjungle · 13/06/2015 18:44

Argh, what a boring twat.

Ds sounds lovely.

hesterton · 13/06/2015 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlingMurmuration · 13/06/2015 19:13

He sounds like a dick. He also sounds like my ex, who was a dick.

CaptainAnkles · 13/06/2015 19:16

'Better than being a thoughtless prick. See you tomorrow.'

Original poster

gilmoregirl · 13/06/2015 21:38

thanks everyone. I then received a passive aggressive voicemail which I am ignoring. As I am drinking actual champagne and watching a film with DS.

He finally phoned to wish DS a happy birthday. For some reason we did not hear the phone. Message made big deal of having missed DS and that he would keep trying and trying but as it was Saturday he was very busy. That was about four hours ago and nothing since. What a twat. Why wait till 5.30 pm to phone if he was going to be so busy?!
Makes me think he has been in bed all day and the texts this morning were actually last night for him. Ah well.
Feel better having cracked open my precious bottle of champagne I was saving for a special occasion. What is more special than the ten year anniversary of the birth of my child. Sorry am waffling now....

OP posts:

hesterton · 13/06/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoyScout · 13/06/2015 22:05

You sound like a lovely mum and he sounds like a total bellend.

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