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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this thoughtless remark?

22 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 21:49

Planned to take DD & 2/3 friends swimming after school. Casually said to 'friend' (one of the other mums) that I didn't really feel like doing it now (about 3pm - earlier today) but still intended which she knew. She said "well that's you all over". I'm not working so I think she just thinks I'm lazy and do nothing. On the phone last week to her I just happened to say that I was tired and she replied with "its cos you don't do anything" yet I'd just been in helping with something at school. This from somebody who literally does nothing with her daughter let alone dd's friends. She knows she can get away with speaking to me like that because she knows I have low self-esteem etc. She also knows (I'm sure) that comments like that hurt me. Is she a bitch or am I over- sensitive?

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 09/06/2015 21:52

This from somebody who literally does nothing with her daughter let alone dd's friends

I think she's projecting! Criticising you for something she does. Really annoying when people do this...

Birdsgottafly · 09/06/2015 21:52

Have you ever challenged her?

She's getting away with insulting you, because you aren't responding.

You need to pull her up and put an end to this.

Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 22:05

She works full-time which (in her head) entitles her to look down on all the SAHMs/part-timers. She admits she prefers work to motherhood which is fine but not sure why she feels the need to make me feel rubbish.

We were friends for 3/4 years but more recently I've realised she is just one if the other mums I got stuck with (cos of DD's friendship) and is not a very nice person.

How would I go about pulling her up on it? I feel like texting but that's lame.

OP posts:
NinkyNonkers · 09/06/2015 22:08

"Did you mean to sound so rude?"

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 09/06/2015 22:13

when people make a comment like that i just respond with 'excuse me?'

lets them know you've clocked them but saves you a confrontation when you can't be bothered with one

and then cut her out. and please don't help her with childcare (i'm assuming she's quite happy for you to do things with her dd)

MrsHathaway · 09/06/2015 22:13

"That's a really hurtful thing to say."

If you want you could laugh and say "if I didn't have such a thick skin I'd be really offended by that, you cow" but one way or another you really ought to call her out on it.

I don't think joking about laziness is wrong so long as it's kind - eg in your first example she could have said "we all have days like that" or "the things we do for our precious cherubs, eh?"

Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 22:27

Very difficult to not have her daughter over to play etc as my DD & her's are good friends. She doesn't need me to look after her as her ex is unemployed so he's always around but doesn't do much with her so she's always free on the weekend and as my DD is an only child its nice to get the two of them together (although I've tried to reduce it in the last 6 months

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 22:29

...because I feel taken for granted and want DD to mix with others)

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 09/06/2015 22:41

You're definitely not being over sensitive, she sounds like she's jealous of your situation or fed up with her own situation - or both. She's taking it all out on you and that's unfair.

I'd definitely pull her up on her comments, next time I'd just tell her that you've noticed she makes a lot of comments like this and that you're not sure why she does it. Whatever her come back, she will either defend herself by saying she's joking or she'll spill out her real feelings. Either way, she'll stop because you've called her out on it. She doesn't sound like someone you need in your life.

Frenchmustard7 · 09/06/2015 22:46

Can you say that she's always making rude comments to you and ask her if she's got a problems she wants to talk about?

Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 23:52

Thanks for the advice. A few things have upset me today (including her & another mum openly deliberately discussing plans for a night out in front of me) and I felt like I'd got it all out of proportion.

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Fatmomma99 · 10/06/2015 00:04

MrsGosling, TBH it sounds to me like she is jealous/resentful of you and you sound like whilst you might not be jealous or resentful of her, you think she's got a point. Do you feel bad for being a SAHM?

You shouldn't.

I like the assertive posts here. One hint I was given years ago was when someone said something offensive to say "What? What do you mean?" (i.e. NOT to fill in the blanks yourself - make THEM spell it out). 9 times out of 10 they retract it. Being assertive is always good.

Good luck!

SycamoreMum · 10/06/2015 00:12

Yes like those above have said, pull her up on it straight away.

I find, a pause, eye contact and slightly stern, "I beg your pardon?" does wonders.

How rude of her!

momtothree · 10/06/2015 00:23

Repeat it back...sorry thats me all over? ... its funny when they Hear themselves!!! She`ll have the ball in her court then. (Think about how the kids sound when you hear them talk like you do)

AgathaChristie01 · 10/06/2015 00:31

I agree with pps OP, I find a blank expression, as though you haven't understood/ properly heard something, and getting someone to repeat something sh1tty, often works wonders in making them backtrack. Some people thrive on putting others down. Just don't give her the opportunity.

Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 10/06/2015 06:59

FatMomma I'm not a SAHM by choice, I've just had bad luck with jobs. I don't care what anyone thinks about that as its nothing to do with them - I'm not claiming anything so don't see why I should feel guilty. I am feeling increasingly unemployable though, its been nearly 2 year now.

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Only1scoop · 10/06/2015 07:02

But why say 'you don't really feel like it' but still do it.

Makes you sound a bit of a Martyr

If you don't feel up to it don't go.

inaboxwithafox · 10/06/2015 07:09

I get this sometimes. One of my close friends once made a comment, I believe it was unintentional, but I just fired right back at her in quite heavy sarcastic tones "yes that's right, I just sit around scratching myself all day and slobbing around on the sofa, I'm not busy with my toddler at all"

We all laughed but I think it made it clear that i don't appreciate her telling me that I don't do anything.

momtothree · 10/06/2015 08:08

Being a SAHM choice or not is OK, do not justify it to anyone, you`ll look back and be glad you had the chance.

Theycallmemellowjello · 10/06/2015 08:31

I agree with pps on assertiveness and it was a rude comment. However it is also quite rude to say to the other mum that you don't feel like going on the agreed on swimming trip but will anyway. It comes across as passive aggressive and martyred and would annoy me. Her comment wasn't the right response but do you think it's possible you do say stuff like that a lot? If you do often complain to her about tiredness, lethargy etc I actually think she's within her rights to suggest things you can do, eg get a job.

Original poster
MrsGoslingWannabe · 10/06/2015 09:25

I don't really need anyone suggesting to me that I get a job! I am constantly applying and having interviews to no avail.

Not sure how working would make me less tired anyway Confused

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momtothree · 10/06/2015 09:46

Your first line .... assertive . .. second line your justifying again.... dont do this! Last line questioning .... dont do this either!
You are opening up a conversation in the last 2 for people to have a go... stop at 1

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