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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to leave DD at weekends

39 replies

Possiblyneurotic · 06/06/2015 07:01

DD is 19 months and I have been back at work for 4 days a week since she was a year old. We have a nanny for 3.5 days a week, who DD loves to bits, and she has recently started going to nursery for one morning a week as we thought it was important for her to have some time with other children also.

We have received a couple of invitations to child free weddings in the next few months. Perhaps naively, I hadn't thought check whether we could take DD with us and now the formal invitations have arrived and it's clear that they're adults only weddings. Totally fair enough - everyone has the right to decide how they want their wedding to be. It's possible that we could get some childcare but AIBU not to want to leave her? Partly because she sees so little of us during the week anyway and partly because she is pretty clingy at the moment and it seems likely from our experience with starting nursery that she would be distressed (in particular, putting her to bed would be a crunch point, I think, and would probably involve tears). Am I being ridiculous? Obviously I know we'll have to leave her at some point - and we have left her with my parents for a day and a half when she was little and less insistent that she only wanted me or DH or our nanny. That wss fine, so I suspect that this is just a phase, but I can't help feeling that the pleasure I'd get from standing in high heels all day would be outweighed by her level of distress. Probably I'm being pfb?

OP posts:

PrincessOfChina · 06/06/2015 07:05

Well, it's obviously a personal thing. You wouldn't see me for dust and I work full time.

If you're prepared to decline invitations to be with DD. Are they family weddings or friends? Be prepared for disappointment from the Bride and Groom if they know you could access childcare but won't. People get precious over weddings.

CuppaSarah · 06/06/2015 07:05

You might be being a little pfb, but not in a bad way at all. She is precious afterall and it would be odd if you didn't want to spend as much time as possible with her.

It all depends whose weddings they are. Distant family, coworker or someone you aren't very close too, no big deal to say no childcare we can't come. But if you are close to them you really need to think about it.

crossroads15 · 06/06/2015 07:08

Do the weddings involve overnight stays in hotels? If so, can you take your nanny?

sandgrown · 06/06/2015 07:10

Would nanny babysit so DD has continuity? Bet GP would love to. What if they came to your house so familiar surroundings. What does DH think? Would it be nice to have some time alone together .

pressone · 06/06/2015 07:10

Although children need full time care and they grow up so fast that working 4 days out of 7 probably makes you feel that you are missing out on so much (and that your daughter is being deprived of stability), you and your husband are still people and not just parents. IMO it is important to have time out just for you as adults so you can let your hair down and make each other the most important person in your lives every now and then. Twice in a few months does not seem excessive time to take out for the sake of your marriage.

A nice hotel, breakfast in bed made and washed up by someone else - who knows may be the start of a sibling for DD. Although wearing heels all day long would probably be enough to put me off!

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 06/06/2015 07:11

For me personally, I find it important to have personal time without my children too. A weekend is fine, but I wouldn't (at the moment) want to be apart from them for longer than that, whereas my husband has been away for weeks for work/holidays and it doesn't bother him.

Things just feel right for different people. Would you consider bringing your sister/someone close with you and they have your DD for you during the day and then you can come back that night and see your DD when she wakes the next morning?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 06/06/2015 07:11

Then don't. Your life, your choice.

NRomanoff · 06/06/2015 07:13

It really depends on whose weddings they are (close friends family or someone you vaguely know) and how close together they were.

You don't have to go to them all. Pick which one/ones you can't really miss. Decline the others.

Assuming they aren't all in the next month, alot may change between now and then. You may really want a break and your baby may be less clingy.

Mehitabel6 · 06/06/2015 07:13

Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to!
It is a choice.

VenusVanDamme · 06/06/2015 07:13

It's a completely individual decision. Personally, I'd go. We have a wedding the weekend after I return to work (4 days a week) and despite the bride and groom saying DS could come if we wanted, he's definitely staying with his gran! I don't think weddings and babies mix, we had a child free wedding and I plan to go to 3 this year without DS.

However, if it would spoil the day for you and you'd worry then no point

Original poster

Possiblyneurotic · 06/06/2015 07:14

Sadly our nanny can't make those weekends. We actually ask our nanny to babysit one night a week so that we can go out for dinner so we are very lucky and do have some couple time each week. It sort of makes it harder to justify disappearing for a weekend. God, I am looking forward to this phase passing!

OP posts:

NRomanoff · 06/06/2015 07:14

Oh and yes I do think its important to have some adult time. Me and dh try to make time for it.

Onecurrantbun · 06/06/2015 07:17

I am probably one of those mums that people moan about - "life revolves around her kids." I make no apology for it. I like spending time with them and we have "adult time" (and, since it always gets brought up, a good sex life) from 8pm every night when they're in bed. I wouldn't go.

MrsBobDylan · 06/06/2015 07:17

Do the wedding's both mean an overnight stay?Is there any way you could ask your mum to come with you and you could put dd to bed?

I've just left ds3 who's 16 months over night for 3 nights and I've been so worried about how he'd feel and whether he'd think I'd gone for good. I wouldn't have done it with my first two at that age because I'm a big softie but he was fine and I was fine but missed him madly.

I also don't think ywbu to turn down the invites either. Do what you feel comfortable with.

PrincessOfChina · 06/06/2015 07:19

If you're already having one night out a week, I would postpone those and use them for a wedding (even if different carers for the weddings).

I actually disagree with many on MN and think it's quite an honour to be invited to a wedding. If no childcare were available then just one of us would attend.

bakingaddict · 06/06/2015 07:25

There's no right or wrong answer you do what you feel is right. Even now my DS who is 7 will only go for sleep-overs to his GP's for maximum 2 nights because he just misses us too much. The first time he slept over at GP's when he was 2 he cried for hours and MIL was going to drive him back home at 2am but he eventually wore himself out enough to go to sleep.

Only you know your child and how well they will cope without you but unless it's a close friend or family I wouldn't personally bother till she's a bit older

BoyScout · 06/06/2015 07:27

Blimey! If you want to just stay home and play with your baby then do it. Having time away is not a requirement if you don't want or need it.

Mashtag · 06/06/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguinsAreAce · 06/06/2015 07:38

Yanbu. I remember making horrendously complex arrangements for dc3 aged about 12 months to get to a close friend's child f re wedding (and that was local). It wasn't worth it at all and I wish we had just said no. They are little such a short time overall. If your gut says no, then go with that.

Caveat: no problem at all with people who want to go to and enjoy child free weddings.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/06/2015 07:39

Totally your call. I love childfree weddings, and even child-invited weddings I always have DC babysat as at under one and 3.6, weddings are just dull for them.

But if you dont want to leave her then you dont have to.

VashtaNerada · 06/06/2015 07:44

As others say, it's up to you. I do child-free weddings if I can be there & back in a day but don't stay away without them. Totally up to you!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/06/2015 07:50

YANBU to decline, but expect the bride and groom to be disappointed.

NameChange30 · 06/06/2015 07:58

You're not being ridiculous OP. I don't think you should go if you don't want to. Especially if it would involve an overnight stay.

If a couple decide to have a child-free wedding, they have to accept the fact that people with children might not be able to attend. They would be unreasonable to be offended.

If it was a close family member or friend, I'd say make the effort if you can sort good childcare, but if not and your nanny isn't available, it's not worth it.

ahbollocks · 06/06/2015 08:08

Yanbu- I still havent left my 3 yo over night, I dont want to!

Notso · 06/06/2015 08:10

As Mashtag said one morning at nursery isn't particularly beneficial. In fact many nurseries ask for a minimum of 2 days a week as settling can be an issue for shorter periods. She can socialise without going to nursery. I'd drop it if she isn't settled.

Wrt weddings it's up to you and DH. I love a childfree invitation but then I am a SAHM so relish the time away.

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