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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a bridesmaid

24 replies

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 20:55

Hi, first post :) My cousin is getting married in December and while this is lovely news, I can't help feeling upset that I haven't been chosen as a bridesmaid. Me, her and my sister grew up together and have all always been extremely close...she's asked my sis to be a bridesmaid, but not me. She's also having a couple of friends. I completely understand that bridesmaids are expensive and you can't have everyone - some people are inevitably going to be left out.

I just felt hurt when I found out my sis had been asked and had accepted, but not me. I found out from another cousin while we were discussing the wedding in general, I then asked my sis about it and she said she'd been asked a few weeks ago. She is a little closer now to my cousin than me, however when we were kids, me and my cousin were joined at the hip and were like best friends.

AIBU to care, at all about this?? It's not just being left out, it's that she hasn't mentioned it to me at all even though I've seen her plenty of times since this was decided - I understand it might be an awkward convo though for her.

OP posts:

JustHavinABreak · 05/06/2015 21:04

Oh dear, I am sorry for you. I don't think you're being unreasonable to be disappointed but I do think it would be unfair to mention how you feel to her. In your position I think I would say something along the lines of "I know you have bridesmaids but please tell me if there's anything at all I can do to help you"

Peaceloveandhobnobs · 05/06/2015 21:07

YANBU. I was gutted not to be asked to be my sister's bridesmaid (she had four friends instead. She and our cousin were mine), but it would have looked very ugly to have brought it up, so I didn't. Presumably you'll be going to the wedding anyway? Think positively that at least you can choose your own outfit and will be free to enjoy the day/night without having to run around after the bride. Chin up!

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 21:14

Thanks both, no I would never say anything to her as I can imagine that being a mortifying conversation on both sides! It just feels like rejection, but I'm trying not to take it personally as she had to have limits I guess.
Yes still going to the wedding, I've bought a stunning dress for it this week and can't wait to wear it and will have my DS with me on the day so at least I can fully focus on him this way Just wanted to hear opinions as a couple of people have told me not to be silly and that I have no right to be upset...hard to control though sometimes!

OP posts:

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 21:16

"I was gutted not to be asked to be my sister's bridesmaid (she had four friends instead."

^this would hurt, can understand you being gutted.

OP posts:

EatDessertFirst · 05/06/2015 21:20

I recently found out that neither myself nor my son/daughter are in any way involved with my DBro and future SIL wedding. They had both originally told us I was going to be a bridesmaid and the DC would be pageboy/flowergirl along with SIL niece and nephew. To be honest I could not be happier! We can wear what we want, have no wedding resposibilities and nothing will be expected of us except turning up and enjoying ourselves. Bliss!

YANBU to be upset, but try to look on the bright side!

MrsHathaway · 05/06/2015 21:22

Are the others childless? Perhaps she thought it would be inconvenient.

I've been a bridesmaid either, and I've been sad about it since I was seven. Everyone who might have chosen me is already married now and didn't know me then or had people closer. In one case she did ask me to sing for the signing of the register (her sisters were bms).

I don't really know what bridesmaids are for unless they're very young (decoration) or the MoH (hold your flowers, go with you to have your hair done). Why do people have multiple bridesmaids other than for political reasons?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2015 21:23

My joke to myself was, "always a bride, never a bridesmaid". I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times since but I've still been married as many times!

ToddleWaddle · 05/06/2015 21:30

Been a bridesmaid twice. Hated it. Go to wedding, wear what you want and enjoy a responsibility free day :)

Peaceloveandhobnobs · 05/06/2015 21:33

Yes, to be fair the one occasion I was a bridesmaid (my mother's second marriage - would have looked very mean if she hadn't asked me ), I wore a horribly uncomfortable dress and didn't really enjoy myself. I would still like the honour of being asked by someone, though!

CrapBag · 05/06/2015 21:37

YANBU. That's hurtful. Fair enough if she just had her friends but to have your sister too, I'd be hurt as well.

Does your sister have children?

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 21:45

Yes my sister has 3 young children! And the other BM have children too, so I honestly don't think that's the reason. I was bridesmaid at my sisters wedding and a couple of close friends over the past few years, and I guess the upside of this one is what people have pointed out - that I'll get to just enjoy the entire day without any responsibility and can wear what I want.

I really think the main reason I feel hurt is that she hasn't mentioned it, and when we all went out recently (the 3 of us), her and my sis were openly discussing the plans on the day and the dresses etc!

MrsTerryPratchett - love that: "Always a bride, never a bridesmaid"

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 05/06/2015 21:54

That's weird then. I can't see an obvious explanation.

Buy the same frock and sidle into the official photos

hels71 · 05/06/2015 22:02

My sister had her friend and my other sister...but not me. I was hurt by that. Apparently being married made me too old.....

bridesmaidrevisited · 05/06/2015 22:02

I always wanted to be a bridesmaid...then I finally was one and it was a bloody nightmare. I posted a v long thread about it on here last year.

I really enjoyed the day tbh and I had a lovely dress. BUT the brouhaha beforehand, and how it all royally kicked off after...that I could have easily lived without!

Wineandrosesagain · 05/06/2015 22:06

Yanbu. This is pretty hurtful and I wonder why your Dsis and cousin don't recognise that. Something similar happened to me recently and I felt very sad that I was clearly less important to a close family member than my Dsis, and hadn't realised that before. It really hurt. Of course I said nothing but it has changed my view of the relationship.

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 22:29

Hels71 that's bizarre...being married made you too old?!! I'm sure weddings bring out the crazy in people.

I think the only mature, logical explanation then is as MrsHathaway suggested, I'm going to secretly buy the same dress and just 'decide' that I am indeed bridesmaid
But then refuse to do any actual BM duties.

OP posts:

SorchaN · 05/06/2015 23:06

I have a vague idea that bridesmaids are traditionally supposed to be unmarried, so if you're married that would automatically exclude you... but I could be wrong, and in any case it's not the 1950s any more...

I don't think you're being unreasonable; in that situation I'd feel hurt too.

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 05/06/2015 23:26

Thanks SorchaN, it helps loads reading that others can empathise with how I feel. As I said, I'd never say anything to her and it certainly isn't worth falling out over but when I heard it I felt like I was back at school and had been left out of a party or something.

My sister is married, so are the other bridesmaids but I'm not! Maybe they only want married BM ha...

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hels71 · 06/06/2015 07:38

I assumed being married and therefore old meant I could not walk quickly enough down the aisle or something! She was a bit if a bridezilla though. Refused to allow my.mum to wear the outfit she had bought and took her to get one she approved of for one thing. Also insisted hats had to be worn by everyone (until I am afraid I said the only hat I owned and therefore would be wearing was my winter bobble hat, and other sister made her see sense.....She had also suggested approved hat styles!!!)

SanityClause · 06/06/2015 07:46

Your posts sound very reasonable, MakeThem - you sound like a nice person.

It seems your sister and cousin have remained closer than you and your cousin, which is why she has not asked you.

I have never been a bridesmaid, although I did sign the register as a witness at my sister's wedding. (She didn't have any bridesmaids.)

ems942 · 06/06/2015 09:10

"when we were kids, me and my cousin were joined at the hip and were like best friends." if you aren't like best friends now, don't worry.

FlatWhiteToGo · 06/06/2015 09:37

YANBU. You totally have my sympathy as it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I've had this happen 3 times now with the girls that I had as BMs (although one eventually asked me to be a BM but was such a bridezilla for 2 years I wish I'd just kept away from it! Even after the wedding she's being a nightmare and has complained about my "lack of involvement" even though I worked my arse off to give her a fab hen do, and bank rolled a load of her mates who wouldn't pay their share!).

It is a horrible feeling though when you find out somebody doesn't value you and your friendship as much as you valued theirs. It also sucks when they don't even have the decency to tell you themselves - they wait for you to find out from other people or by process of elimination. I guess at least you know where you stand with her now.

HappySeven · 06/06/2015 16:18

You are right, SorchaN, bridesmaids did used to be unmarried which is why they were called maids. If you were married then you were a 'maid of honour' although I doubt many bridesmaids are actually virgins these days.

I can understand why you're upset, Make, but I reckon you'll have a much better day dressed in an outfit you chose rather than one that suits no one in particular. Maybe your sister and cousin are closer at this stage in your lives but in my experience that doesn't mean it will stay that way. Keep smiling and know that it doesn't mean she loves you any less.

MrsHathaway · 06/06/2015 16:22

Matron of honour, not maid.

Again, nobody cares nowadays.

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