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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my df's mobility scooter?

22 replies

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 17/05/2015 18:29

Just had a bit of a to do with my dm re my df and his mobility scooter.

Briefly, df can walk a bit with a frame (very short distances), but is much better off using a wheelchair or a mobility scooter. He has both.

Parents are coming to stay next weekend, and DM has suggested we go to local pub for lunch. Local pub is old building, very little space inside. I said that would be fine, but to make sure they brought wheelchair so df could use it in pub rather than scooter. DM said no, df would use scooter. I pointed out that there is very little space in pub, so wheelchair would be much better as can be folded up or df could stay in it whilst we eat (which he's very happy to do).

We then has an argument, with dm saying the pub would have to accommodate the mobility scooter. I totally get that if my df only had the mobility scooter, or if he was very uncomfortable in a wheelchair, then that would be fine. But the mobility scooter is large, df can't sit on it to eat lunch, so it would have to be put near the table and take up loads of space. And he really is very happy in his wheelchair (he uses it at home rather than the scooter).

So, given that he has a choice, shouldn't he choose the option that least impacts on everyone else, given that it doesn't make any difference to him?

DM has made me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

Shesparkles · 17/05/2015 18:31

Does your dad get a say?

Janethegirl · 17/05/2015 18:31

Yanbu

LindyHemming · 17/05/2015 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bair · 17/05/2015 18:33

shouldn't he choose the option

Yes.

SugarOnTop · 17/05/2015 18:34

speak directly with your dad and line up a different venue for the meal just in case they turn up with the scooter

bigbluebus · 17/05/2015 18:44

Can you borrow a wheelchair from British Red Cross locally for their visit? The they can bring the mobility scooter to use for other things but have the wheelchair for lunch out. Presumably they don't want to bring both.

Justusemyname · 17/05/2015 18:46

She doesn't need to borrow a wheelchair, they have one. Sounds like your mother wants drama and attention.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/05/2015 18:47

So, given that he has a choice, shouldn't he choose the option that least impacts on everyone else, given that it doesn't make any difference to him?

He should choose what suits him best.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/05/2015 18:48

So, given that he has a choice, shouldn't he choose the option that least impacts on everyone else, given that it doesn't make any difference to him?

He should choose what suits him best.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/05/2015 18:50

sorry for the double post.

Original poster

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 17/05/2015 18:57

Df is very easy going, and I don't think would mind which it is. Obviously if he preferred the scooter then that's what he'd use. It's difficult fir me to ask him at the moment, as he is very deaf so phone conversations are a nightmare.

They will bring both with them (always do, and their car is large enough) and dad will use wheelchair or frame in our house as he does at his home.

I think I'll wait til they are here and then ask dad when mums not around.

OP posts:

AnUtterIdiot · 17/05/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovechristmas1 · 17/05/2015 20:08

your poor df,bet he gets no say at home

your mum sounds as if she now wants to win the argument

ramanoop · 17/05/2015 20:15

Just ring the pub and ask about accessibility. If they can fit the scooter, then great. If they don't have room for a scooter, or a ramp for a wheelchair, no amount of indignation is really going to help you have your family meal there.

Original poster

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 17/05/2015 20:24

Thanks for all the suggestions. Dh and I know the pub very well. There's a ramp for access, plus a disabled loo. The actual inside space is quite higgledy piggledy, with tables everywhere.

My df is quite happy to stay in his wheelchair when eating a meal, or to sit on a chair and then the wheelchair can be folded up and stuck in the corner. With the scooter, it will have to stay between tables, which potentially means the pub can't seat as many people. I can ring the pub and ask if there's a solution. We know the owners quite well.

My dm is usually very reasonable so not sure why suddenly she's so insistent about this. She has been ill herself recently (very unusual for her) and maybe it's knocked her confidence.

OP posts:

Pseudo341 · 17/05/2015 21:30

My mobility is probably a bit better than your Dad's from the sound of it. I'd always take the manual wheelchair over the scooter if it made things easier but a higgledy piggledy pub with tables everywhere is just a nightmare to navigate on wheels or unreliable legs, and really quite frightening if it's busy. I'd always do my best to fit in around groups of friends but I'd be a bit hacked off if immediate family wouldn't make more of an effort to accommodate me. You ought to consider changing pubs. Though he'll still need to use the wheelchair wherever you go, I don't know many pubs with room to manoeuvre a scooter. You need to talk to your dad directly.

Original poster

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 17/05/2015 21:48

If you read my original post, you'd see that it's not me who suggested this pub, but my mum. We're very happy to go wherever my parents want. It was my mum who suggested going to this pub to save me cooking.

We've been there before with my parents, and they really like it. But my parents haven't been there since my df got his scooter.

OP posts:

Balaboosta · 18/05/2015 07:42

People with disabilities spend their entire lives compromised by an environment that excludes them or doesn't meet their needs. Find somewhere accessible for your father to eat and get a grip on this squabble with your dm. And negotiate this with DF not her.

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2015 14:00

I did read your original post I'd just forgotten that bit by the time I'd read all the other replies. If your parent's have been there before then I guess they know what to expect, but they should know there's no room for the scooter. Your mum may be being insensitive about your dad's disability, but it's also possible that this is the way he wants things but he doesn't want to have to disagree with you about it so he's letting her do it for him. Only way to find out is to talk to him directly if you can. Can he walk well enough to leave the scooter outside?

MinimumPayment · 18/05/2015 14:06

If you mum is usually reasonable there must be a reason she thinks the scooter will be better this time. Is she less able to help him since she's been ill, or has his mobility changed since last time you saw them?

Maybe she suggested the restaurant knowing you like it but is now having reservations?

longjane · 18/05/2015 14:40

Who will push the wheelchair ?
I think your mum is trying to tell you that she can no longer do it.
Also please remember your dad could have worst since the last you saw him.

Original poster

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 18/05/2015 17:57

Thanks for your very useful suggestions and comments, everyone, they have got me thinking.

On reflection, it is quite odd of my mother in this instance. Both parents are pretty laid back, very outgoing and sociable.

I'll have another chat with them re preferences, choices and what my df really wants. It has made me think that possibly there's something else going on - df is usually fine with either wheelchair or scooter, mum struggles to manage the wheelchair (which is the main reason df got the scooter) but knows that dh or I can easily manage it. Maybe df isn't as ok with the wheelchair as he appears, as it means he's dependent on one of us, rather than being indepndent with his scooter.

The main thing is we do something that we all enjoy, and that dad's happy with.

I think I couldn't really see a way forward as I'm too close/emotionally involved, so I've really valued the opinions of impartial MNers. I know it might only seem a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but dm and I aren't usually at odds with each other.

OP posts:

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