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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU & v petty to charge ExH?

27 replies

Twistedheartache · 14/05/2015 11:40

for use of my house, food, drink, nappies, wipes milk, borrowing pram & carseat etc when he visits the children.
Background is baby is only 6 months and still partially breastfed & he moved 150 miles away so not realistic for him to simply have the girls eow.
Logic for him using house is familiarity for small children & baby's hearing impairment - trying to avoid too much background noise which will hamper her learning to communicate & logic behind charging him is he would have those costs if he took girls away/out for the day.

I'm probably being unreasonable but am deeply concerned about the financial predicament he's leaving us in.
He is reducing his maintenance payment to bare minimum because he is moving in & supporting ow (who doesn't work), and he signed up to the massive childcare bill too
Am v much in the anger & resentment phase of moving on so that might be clouding my judgement
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Malenky · 14/05/2015 12:06

You can demand the money all you like but I highly doubt he'll pay you. In the nicest way you're being a bit unreasonable, needing him to be at your house because of the hearing impairment isn't really his fault. He morally should give you some money for the girls if you're struggling though, 100% agree with that.

Jobless123 · 14/05/2015 12:26

What massive childcare bill?

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2015 12:29

Can you not get cold maintenance from him thro the new equivalent of the CSA? Think they charge an initial amount of £20.00 to collect the money unless there's been DV.

Otherwise I don't see how you'll get any money from him for anything.

Don't think you're being unreasonable wanting him to pay for the children whilst under his care.

Themrmen · 14/05/2015 12:37

Yadu, you are basically trying to charge him to see his children. He pays the amount the csa has stated and whilst it would be nice if he would contribute more, charging him to see his children is not. Particularly if it's better for the dc to be at home due to hearing difficulties

Osmiornica · 14/05/2015 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/05/2015 12:45

You're problem here is maintenance, not nappies. You can't charge him for the nappies he changes but you can get the CMS to make him start paying you maintenance, which will contribute to those nappies.

googoodolly · 14/05/2015 12:47

Does he pay CSA?

If he does, you can't really demand anymore. Visitation doesn't depend on the NRP handing over money - the children have a right to see their father regardless of how much money he can or can't give you every month.

Can he not just buy his own supply of wipes etc. and keep them in the boot of his car for when he comes to visit? I agree it's unfair that he's using your supply and not replenishing it or paying for it, but I don't think you can force him to pay up.

TwinkieTwinkle · 14/05/2015 12:51

It sounds a bit like you're almost charging him to see his own kids. Just let him see them and bring his own food.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2015 12:56

If he's reducing his maintenance payments; do you really think he'll agree to pay visitation fees?

Original poster
Twistedheartache · 14/05/2015 12:59

thank you all - he's paying csa amount it's just that after my maternity leave with 1x ft childcare & 1 x wraparound care it's going to be a struggle & it feels wrong that he can subsidise his gf & her child while his own children have a much lower standard of living than they are used to. (well DD1 as baby won't know any different)
Ah well at least I get the daily pleasure of the cuddles & giggles

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 13:08

He legally gets to pay less maintenance because he wants to keep a girlfriend?

TedAndLola · 14/05/2015 13:08

Food and drink for himself - he should provide or pay for.

Things the children use while he's in the house - no.

magoria · 14/05/2015 13:12

If the children went to his house he would have to pay for the nappies etc there.

He is going to have to take you DC away from your house at some stage. Wouldn't it be better to start that now so that it becomes routine and familiar while they are young?

Scholes34 · 14/05/2015 13:44

I think you are letting anger and resentment cloud your judgement a little. For starters, I'm sure you wouldn't expect him to have his own pram and car seats for the children, would you? However, being expected to feed him whilst he's with you is a big expectation on his part, and you could no doubt raise that with him.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/05/2015 13:57

I actually would expect him to have his own car seat if he takes them outHmm

Scholes34 · 14/05/2015 14:02

But if he only ever takes his own children out in his car and his own children have their own car seats, what is the problem in him using them?

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2015 14:04

I'd expect him to have appropriate car seats and basics like wipes and nappies.

Why not?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/05/2015 14:08

Well, not sure about what other people do but my DD's car seat doesn't leave my car. It's properly fitted and I'd like it to stay that way. Even her grandparents have a separate car seat for her.

Scholes34 · 14/05/2015 14:24

The use, or not, by him of your car seats, OP will be as big an issue as you wish to make of it. If he's visiting briefly, perhaps he could avoid using a car. Should we also expect duplicate prams?

Surveyqueen · 14/05/2015 14:51

I am slightly confused. Was he paying you more than the level of Csa and has now reduced it to what you are entitled to? You mentioned Minimum Csa but is this the maximum that you are actually entitled to?
If he is paying you the Full Csa then I don't think you can claim for any of this.

Were the prams pushchairs & equipment bought as a household? If so then he has already contributed towards this.
He should be providing his own dinner and drinks but I do not think you could charge for this more you will have to ask him to bring his own.

If above is the case then I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

Csa is based on ALL children, So if there is another child involved then they will take this into account when coming up with the figure.

If the Csa is set to the correct level of him seeing them Ie the minimum ( You're having them the maximum) then that should be correct for your situation. If he was to have them more you could see yourself getting less because he could go up a bracket. I would be careful kicking up a fuss over it as if he does have them more he may well be entitled for it to be reduced again.

I agree with magoria If he starts having them he will pay for the things they need while he is at his so will save you money but you can't expect him to pay when at yours if you are not allowing him to take the children. (Though I can understand the concern regarding the youngest in the short term)

You can't effectively charge someone to see their children regardless of the situation.

TheDetective · 14/05/2015 15:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

My situation isn't too different. 2 year old, baby due in 5 weeks. He fucked off 5 months ago.

He doesn't see DS. But if he did, there is no way on this earth I am sending anything with them. He can provide it. Because he will ruin their things in his smoke filled shithole. (What kind of man takes up smoking at 24? Pleeeease!)

Ex chose to walk away after his affair was discovered. Leaving me newly married and pregnant.

It's his problem if he can't afford those things, then the children don't go. .

I'd expect my ex to provide all nappies and wipes. Food/formula as required. Car seats and double pushchair if he wants to leave the house with them. I'm not sending spare clothes or blankets etc either. If he did bother that was.

I'm on maternity leave with a massively reduced income, he works in a min wage job part time. He pays a pittance each month. I'm not subsidising his easy life. Whether that makes me bitter, well so what.

If my children suffer through his inability to provide, then he doesn't see them. They can maintain contact through other ways.

Then again my ex is a useless shit as a father, if he wasn't I may feel a little different I guess.

Charlotte3333 · 14/05/2015 15:20

DS1's Dad left when he was 5 months old. I kept everything DS1 needed and told his Dad to go and buy what he needed. He'd occasionally have to borrow an emergency stash of nappies if he ran out but I never handed stuff like car seats over, nor would I. Both parents need car seats; what if there's an emergency whilst you're not there and he needs to take them somewhere in his car? It makes no sense, him having no car seats.

I also agree that they DCs would be better off having a gradual introduction to his new home and spending time there. It will be incredibly hard for you. And for them, too. But he's their Dad, they have a right to a bond with him, and I can't imagine him sharing your home at weekends is going to last long without getting nasty. Keep things as separate as can be whilst you're feeling so raw.

kickassangel · 14/05/2015 15:40

Does the maintenance he pays reflect the fact that you are effectively housing and supporting the children 100%? If it's based on him 'having' them a certain number of days, then he should be paying for them on those days. It sounds like currently he doesn't even have a home that gives his children a bed if they wanted to stay over, so you are providing full support for them.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2015 15:46

Sounds like he's moved in with a partner who already has children, would that lower CSA payments?

Surveyqueen · 14/05/2015 15:59

Kissassangel - I also asked this in my post.

It's not set on a set number of days it's set on an average, it begins at Less than 52 (less than once a week) of him having them so if it's already set at that level which is the lowest setting there is then it is still correct.

So he will not have to pay extra for any of the days it does not work like that if he sees them less than once a week or even once a month or not seeing them at all then he still pays the same price. It will still come under that average.

If he was to have them 52 to 103 in a year then the payments would be reduced.

Yes you are correct FuzzyWuzzy.

These are the things in which CSA is worked out.
working out income
looking at things that affect income (pensions student loans ect)
child maintenance rates
other children
weekly amount of child maintenance
shared care