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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To offer these trousers, or should I keep my nose out?

37 replies

OracleofDelphi · 07/05/2015 13:38

There is a lady who has 2 children at my DS school. I dont know her well, but she seems nice enough (hello as you pass on the school run etc). I think she is a single mum (never seen dad and know someone who knows her) just adding that so not drip feeding. Her DS is a really sweet little boy, but the last few times Ive seen him his school trousers are really badly ripped... They are ripped and in tatters at the back of the trouser at the bottom for about 3 inches and torn on the knees as well. The person I know who knows of her, says their impression is that she is quite hard up, and on her own.

Thing is, I have two pairs of school trousers that I bought on ebay second hand, that my son cant wear. He is really skinny at the waist and has to have the ones that are adjustable. The ones I bought arent adjustable so just fall off him without a belt.

So, my question is, AIBU to give these trousers to this other mum? If I knew her well enough I would bring it up in conversation "didn't fit mine, your S is same height , do you want them ?" kind of way. But I dont.... Im worried it might be perceived as pity or charity which she might be offended by?

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 07/05/2015 13:41

Pass them on through the school office, so there's no awkward moment. The school will be well aware of the situation if he's coming to school in ripped clothing, so I'm sure they'll be glad to be presented with an easy solution.

Sirzy · 07/05/2015 13:43

I would mention to the class teacher you have some spare trousers and that you are happy for them to pass them on to anyone who needs them. They can then decide whether it is needed and no chance of you making her feel awkward.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 07/05/2015 13:43

Tough one. It would be better to befriend her slowly (talk to her, then offer to come for a playdate, have a coffee) and finally complain about those trousers you bought, that are the wrong size and that you can't exchange and does she want them

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2015 13:49

I probably would say that as they don't fit mine, would she like them because I'm having a clear out at home.

However, if she doesn't bother with a needle and thread or a bit of wonder web, I'm not sure how fussed she'll be at all IYSWIM?

Hoppinggreen · 07/05/2015 13:50

Do it via the teacher.

HellKitty · 07/05/2015 13:55

I would offer them to her and say you bought them but they don't fit your DS but her son looks the right size. Fwiw I was in her position, a single mum and my DC2&3 had rips and taffy bits at the bottom that I hadn't noticed - shame on me but I was holding down two jobs and starving myself. If I'd realised then I would have bought new and did when I saw them. When we moved in with DP it was a new school so I gave all their badged uniform (newish not tatty!) to a neighbour down the road for her DCs. Even though they could afford replacements it meant they were handy spares.

insanityscatching · 07/05/2015 14:05

I passed on all dd's uniform through the school as they were aware of who needed it and thought it was a better way of getting it to those most in need than taking it to the local charity shop or passing it on through friends.
I would hand it over to the teacher asking her to pass it on to anyone who might need it as I'm sure she would be able to do that without embarrassing the mum.

AuntyMag10 · 07/05/2015 14:07

Could the person who knows her maybe pass it on to her?

londonrach · 07/05/2015 14:15

Id approach someone who knows her or talk with her and say you have some trousers you dont need anymore and someone would help you if they could find someone who could use them. Otherwise approach school..

CupidStuntSurvivor · 07/05/2015 14:24

I'm a single mum and if things had gotten pretty dire cash-flow-wise, I'd be really appreciative of an offer like yours. But, I do like to think of myself as fairly reasonable and friendly...this lady might not me. Maybe have a word with the woman who knows her and ask if she thinks it'd be appreciated or not?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 07/05/2015 14:25

*might not be

Charlotte3333 · 07/05/2015 14:27

I agree, do it through the school. It's a lovely gesture, and one I'm sure most people would appreciate, but she might also be a little embarrassed too. The school will snap your hands off.

Timeandtune · 07/05/2015 14:29

Not saying this is the right thing to do but it a similar situation I left some school uniform on someone's door step. Not sure if she used the clothes or passed on to someone else or sold.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/05/2015 14:34

I've got summer dresses I've offered to a school mum because DD had outgrown them. Just say don't fit DS and would your DS like them. Doesn't have to seem like charity.

CallMeNancy · 07/05/2015 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keepsmiling2015 · 07/05/2015 14:42

I'd just say to her casually in conversation that you have spare school pants that don't fit your ds and does she want them - or know anyone who'd want them. That way she won't feel ashamed. I think that if you do it through the school shed be embarrassed, I would be anyway.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 07/05/2015 14:45

we have a parents fb page for our school and a LOT of unifomr exchanges hands on there. everything is grabbed as soon as offered!

doing it via the teacher is a good idea.

SaucyJack · 07/05/2015 14:48

I wouldn't do it through the office. Makes far more of a deal out of it than necessary.

Just mention in passing that you've bought a couple of pairs of trousers that didn't fit, and see if she wants first dibs before you Freecycle them.

Original poster
OracleofDelphi · 07/05/2015 15:06

thank you all..... called the school and asked them and they said they could give them to her. But then they also told me that she might not care so Im still a bit worried it might look like others have noticed something and judging her.

I do know that uniform can be in a really bad way at this time of year, my kids jumpers have got marker pen on them and are getting a bit small, but his have the whole back of them missing for about 3 inches....

I think I will probalby just keep taking them in a carrier on the school run and casually try to walk next to her and drop it into conversation as suggested "do you know anyone who might need them as they dont fit him!".

OP posts:
kissmethere · 07/05/2015 15:18

Offer them that's very sweet of you. I've done it in the past. If it's in good nick I always offer the school and they can pass it on your behalf if you feel awkward.

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 15:44

'Someone's noticed and they're judging her'. Yes, well people do judge child neglect, it's illegal.

It would take a long time for trousers to get in that state, and I don't believe in that entire period this woman has never had a spare £3 to buy a pair of trousers at Asda. I'd beg on the streets before I let my child go out dressed like that every day.

The school obviously know more about the circumstances than you do and have probably tried to remedy it themselves. They can't break confidentiality so this is the strongest way they can tell you that it's not because she's poor, it's because she doesn't give a shit.

Rather than worrying about his Mum being 'judged' perhaps you might like to spare a thought for a little boy who is clearly being neglected.

Original poster
OracleofDelphi · 07/05/2015 16:48

I have spared a thought Aermingers which is why Ive got some spare trousers for him Hmm. How is that me not doing anything about it?

You can think its neglect if you want, but I have seen her taking the kids to the park regularly, buying them sweets in the local shop, chatting with them on the school run, and doing parent reading in the mornings at school so I dont happen to agree with you.....

Not that the geographical location of Asda should matter, but its 5 miles away from here and there are no direct buses. I agree I wouldnt let my kids to school like that but there may be many valid reasons - ie not having a car, large stores like Asda and Matlan being too far away, no internet to do ebay / online shopping, having looked in charity shops and there not being any in there, local shops that sell uniform having none in stock at the moment.... the list goes on.

Personally if you want to judge and condemn a woman who is up against it, then thats your choice, I think its probably better to be kind...

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/05/2015 17:07

Really nice thought!

I'd pass them on via the kids' teachers, so then it can be done relatively anonymously!

CapnMurica · 07/05/2015 17:25

Fuck off aermingers - clearly neglect? Really? My boys trousers got like that in the space of a term - too long at the start, growth spurt then too short and scraggy. I replaced them but I had to order them and it took a while for them to arrive. It might be neglect but it probably isn't.

I think it's a nice thing to do.

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 17:42

Sending your child to school in rags is neglect. Anybody who thinks it's not needs their head examined.

We still have safety nets in place in our society and if a child goes to school wearing rags then their parents are not taking care of them properly.