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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask this sex related question?

20 replies

LinaLaaamont · 31/03/2015 21:53

I've been dating a guy for about six weeks. I met him on Tinder. We get on really well and he is really nice. Nothing physical has happened yet. But a weekend away is planned. I think there is potential for us to be a proper couple, but I really want to ask him if he is dating or messaging anyone else before going away. I don't think he is and feel a bit silly asking, but it would be a deal breaker for me! I feel like a confused teenGer and not a 41 year old mum of two!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2015 21:57

When you say, 'nothing physical', do you mean at all? Because I would definitely have that conversation during the snogging stage before the sex stage IYSWIM.

What about, "just wanted you to know that I'm not messaging or dating anyone else now, what about you?"

Primafacie · 31/03/2015 21:58

If that's a deal breaker, then I would definitely ask.

SilverBirch2015 · 31/03/2015 21:59

I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to him, that for you to feel comfortable about progressing your relationship to this next stage you need it to be in an exclusive relationship.

DoraGora · 31/03/2015 22:00

I'm not quite sure why you can't discuss anything with someone you've been dating for six weeks. I think, if it was me, we'd have already discussed the German economy, by now.

Glittergirl123 · 31/03/2015 22:11

I think you should bring it up, it's important to you! You should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it!

Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 31/03/2015 22:12

The reason I feel uncomfortable is that I have been out of this game since 1997! I don't want to make a fool of myself. I honestly don't think he is seeing or messaging anyone else, but I wouldn't blame him if he was. My good friend his dating several guys and having a great time.
I just need a bit of reassurance before taking things to the next level. Don't want to sound all needy though!
We haven't discussed our relationship...just enjoyed time together.
We have kissed lots but nothing physical below clothing yet!

OP posts:
itsmeitscathy · 31/03/2015 22:14

From one online dater to another, have the conversation. YANBU to ask and if you're on a different page from him YANBU to walk away

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2015 22:17

Think of this as a great way to find out if he's a keeper. Can you be honest with him? Can he respect your feelings, even if his aren't the same? Can you have really open conversations? Can you have difficult conversations?

It's OK to need things from other people, especially if those things are your boundaries being respected. Remember, you are fabulous and awesome and he is lucky to get to spend time with you. The fact that this comes with boundaries is good. And, if he's a goodun, he'll get that.

Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 31/03/2015 22:20

Wish I knew you in RL MrsTerryPratchett. Total sense! I will ask him. I suspect he and I are on the same page anyway.

OP posts:
scatteroflight · 31/03/2015 22:20

OP the accepted form here is to say "Just to let you know I'm really enjoying our time together so I'm coming off online dating and not seeing anyone else".

If the feelings are mutual he will say so. If not, then you have your answer!

itsmeitscathy · 31/03/2015 22:23

What scatter said - I've had that talk twice. First time I didn't see the guy again, second time we were on the same page and we've been together for a few months now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2015 22:23

I make less sense in RL Lina Grin

It's all so exciting as well, finding out someone really likes you and is on the same page. It's romantic.

Lovelydiscusfish · 31/03/2015 22:25

MrsTerryPratchett's idea is a good one - first say how you see the relationship/what you're doing, then hopefully he'll say what he's doing - if not ask him directly.
I would say you need to clear this up before weekend away - sounds like sex might be on the cards then? Even if not, you don't want to go to all the effort and expense of going away with him, and then have it ruined by a sudden revelation that makes you unhappy.
For what it's worth, from friends who have done on line dating, the people not looking for exclusive relationships seem to tend to be pretty up-front about their intention to date others from the outset,

nottheOP · 31/03/2015 22:27

This is what texting is for.

So... just to clarify, are you dating or messaging other people? Don't overcomplicate things.

CalleighDoodle · 31/03/2015 22:37

I wouldnt ask. It sounds really needy. State that youre not by all means. But dont
Put him on the spot. 6 weeks is nothing.

pollykinesis · 01/04/2015 08:24

My pal is a tinder addict and if she goes on a few dates with a guy she'll log on to see when he was last active. If he's online lots she gets a feel for his interest in her. But I think that theory is Bollox and you should follow the advice of the poster re: letting him know you're not pursuing anyone else, good luck!

TwoOddSocks · 01/04/2015 09:58

Not at all unreasonable to ask at this stage, might come across is a bit pushy after only a few dates but if you're serious enough for a weekend away it's definitely a very reasonable time to ask.

"I Just wanted to ask before we go away are you dating other people or is it just me?" or "I wanted to know how you feel about being exclusive?" or "I'm not dating anyone else at the moment what about you?".

If he's out off by such a basic, reasonable question then he's not interested in the kind of relationship you want, best to find out sooner rather than later in that case.

Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 01/04/2015 22:00

It is hard because I'm not sure if we are ready to be a proper couple yet...I just want to know that he isn't actively pursuing other women. I would still maybe date him, just not sleep with him. If we are going to become physical, I'd want to know that he felt there was potential for us.
I've never had casual sex. Maybe this is where I'vd been going wrong!

OP posts:
umbongoumbongo · 02/04/2015 03:42

I met my partner on Tinder and at the end of our 3rd date (which turned into a 4 hour walk so we'd chatted a lot but not even kissed at this stage) I said to him I wasn't looking for anyone else so would be deleting my profiles for a while to see where it went with us but that he didn't have to feel obliged to do the same. I just wanted him to know that I saw him as a proper prospect. He felt the same way as it happened and deleted his the next day too and we've been together 'properly' since.

I don't think you should feel embarrassed after 6 weeks; it's fair enough at that stage to want to know where you stand!

Confused2015 · 02/04/2015 05:15

I met my now husband online on eharmony. Had the exclusivity talk after date 3, granted our dates were 9 hour long each (!) and have been together since. I'd say six weeks is totally ok to ask and establish what's happening!

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