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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think It's Ok to get A Birthday present for DD's DF GF?

25 replies

MadameOvary · 17/02/2015 10:34

Ex has a GF. Let's call her Susan. By all accounts she is very nice, DD likes her and they do baking together. It is Susan's birthday today and DD is going round to spend some time there.
I suggested my DD brought her a present and asked Ex to suggest something. He said cookbook. That seemed reasonable to me.

However DP thinks it's weird and that Ex should give DD money to buy a present, not me. I can see his point but DD is only 6 (ie not old enough to have her own money), the birthday is today and I thought it would be a nice gesture. AIBU?

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 17/02/2015 10:36

I'd let your ex sort it out.

youngestisapyscho · 17/02/2015 10:36

No, you are not. It's a lovely idea.

CliveCussler · 17/02/2015 10:37

Yanbu at all. I think it's lovely. You would buy a present for any other adult that was significant to dd, so why not her too.

happygirl87 · 17/02/2015 10:37

I think it would be nice if Ex thought of it, but personally I would love it if DSD chose a present for me! I think you are doing a v nice thing

SimplyRedHead · 17/02/2015 10:37

That sounds lovely.

I don't think doing something lovely for someone is the wrong thing to do.

Asking your ex for money to buy a gift sounds petty to me. If you buy it, you're setting a great example for your daughter about how blended families can work together.

TheNothingGirl · 17/02/2015 10:38

I agree that it should be the exes responsibility to get a gift on behalf of your dd but I think it's a lovely gesture that you have and don't see anything wrong with it.

londonrach · 17/02/2015 10:38

Lovely idea. Its coming from your dd not you. Cookbook sounds good too.

WishUponAStar88 · 17/02/2015 10:39

I think it's nice to all have a good relationship like that - much healthier for your dd than feeling like she can't talk about/ buy things for her dad'a partner unless she's with her dad. And if they bake together then the present is something they could both use.

Original poster

MadameOvary · 17/02/2015 10:43

Well that was my thought WishUponAStar88 It seemed quite practical to me!
Thanks for all your responses.
DP is somewhat outnumbered

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameOvary · 17/02/2015 10:45

SimplyRedHead I agree. Would never ask for money from ex to buy his GF a present. That would be petty in the extreme.

OP posts:

Fillybuster · 17/02/2015 10:47

I think that's a lovely idea and very discrete way of conveying your appreciation that she is so nice to your DD. Go for it and ignore your dp...

ScathingContempt · 17/02/2015 10:48

I think it's nice for your daughter that you're doing it because it shows you're friendly to someone who likely to be a significant adult in her life. Far better to have positive vibes between all parents & step parents than not.

If the cookbook wasn't specified, perhaps let your daughter pick one that has recipes she'd like to make with the gf?

ElmerRocks · 17/02/2015 11:15

While yes I think it is exes responsibility to provide DD with money to buy his GF or family something, I think it is a lovely gesture on your behalf and your DP is rather outnumbered here I think.
It is a perfect example that not all 'step' families are horrendously hard work. You can at least be amicable/civil.
I think it's great that your DD and her Dads partner get on, it bodes well. And great for you for being supportive

julker · 17/02/2015 12:03

I think its nice idea and a cookbook isn't exactly going to break the bank is it! It shows your appreciation for how she is towards DD and will make DD happy too - go for it

LadyLuck10 · 17/02/2015 12:07

I really think it's a great idea and she would know that it came from you, so it would be a good way to subtly form an open relationship. Asking your ex would just defeat the purpose really. She is playing a role in your dds life so I think it's also good for your dd to see that everyone gets along so nice.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 17/02/2015 12:13

Sigh, you are so emotionally whole and undamaged. It's so nice to see that for a change.

MaryWestmacott · 17/02/2015 12:21

While your ExP should have sorted this last time he had your DD, he didn't. given that, it's a lovely thing for you to do, and makes you look nice and non-dickish.

Getting petty about this stuff is not a good plan, if she's a long term DP for your Ex, she will be a big part of your DD's life growing up, doing stuff that makes life easier for DD is definately worth it even if you technically shouldn't be the one doing it.

(would though ask your Ex at handover at some point in late November if he's planning on taking DD to pick gifts for his side at some point, and say that you'll take her to get something for him from her, and what about his GF?).

Bluepants · 17/02/2015 12:24

It's a good idea. If they marry/stay together/whatever, she'll be your dd's stepmum forever. But for the next 12 years, she'll be part of that household. Always a goid idea to keep things pleasant. I can see your dp's point but he isn't seeing the bigger picture.

CuddlesfromChickens · 17/02/2015 12:28

I think it is a lovely way of thanking the GF for her care of your DD. Some of the threads on MN highlight how fraught with difficulty these relationships can be so it's really heartening to hear an example where the adults are getting it right.

Well done OP and well done exes GF!

Transporter · 17/02/2015 12:54

I think it's a nice idea too. A cookbook is a good choice too - nice and low key. As a PP said this woman could end up being your DDs life forever.

wheresthelight · 17/02/2015 15:47

Aww you sound lovely! as does the gf!!

I would say it ought to be her dad getting his gf something from dd but it is a truly lovely gesture that you are doing it. maybe her dad felt awkward that you might not be happy her giving something to the gf?

but then as sm I have to get dp's kids gifts to give him as their mum hasn't bothered since the day she kicked him out which used to upset him especially as he always made sure he got them something for her. this has now stopped as her answer is its my responsibility so if that is the case it's her dp's responsibility now

kitchentableagain · 17/02/2015 15:55

YANBU, great idea and what a lovely family dynamic you are creating for your DD. We have a really open friendly blended set up and it's so nice to see someone else with similar thinking (usually I am lectured on how weird we are). Well done!

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 17/02/2015 17:39

This sounds like a lovely thing to do - you sound like a lovely mum.

msgrinch · 17/02/2015 17:45

yanbu, it's a lovely thing to do.

Original poster

MadameOvary · 17/02/2015 19:38

Thanks for all the comments. In the end I didn't have time to get the cookbook so DD ended up making homemade fudge instead for Susan. In the meantime I asked Ex if he'd got a present for GF from DD - he didn't answer that but when he got my message re me not having time to get cookbook he offered get one so all good.

OP posts:

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