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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH for having an opinion on everything I do?

33 replies

SuchAPurpleGlass · 02/02/2015 14:32

DH is a know-all at the best of times.

I am so annoyed with him at the moment as he always, always has an opinion on everything that I do, and offers it unasked-for, with "tips" on how I can improve next time, or what I should/ought to do.

When I got offered my current job when I phoned to tell him instead of being happy for me he started telling me that I should approach my boss before I started the job and tell him I wanted more commission than they were paying! When I was already happy with the money offered and hadn't asked DH for any advice.

He offers constant "tips" on the fitness activities that I do, despite being extremely unfit and never doing any exercise himself.

And lastly, the thing that pisses me off the most; he never lifts a finger in the house yet has opinions all the time on how things should be done. He's just phoned me now from work and told me that I really need to sort out the understairs cupboard this week and started telling me what I should do. I said he can do it himself and put the phone down! Nothing I ever do is good enough; he always has suggestions on improving everything I cook, suggestions on how I can clean better, suggestions on how to be "better organised" to get more housework done. Yet does NOTHING himself.

I am so cross!

OP posts:
clickers123 · 02/02/2015 14:34

Ltb

wowfudge · 02/02/2015 14:41

Well telling him to do it himself was a start! I think that opens the way for a discussion this evening about how irritating you find his constant comments and it's about time he pulled his weight instead of seeming to 'supervise' you. As you are one doing the various tasks, as long as they done to your satisfaction that's all you care about.

Oh and there are often several ways to achieve the same end and it doesn't matter how you get there.

VitoCorleoneAgain · 02/02/2015 14:45

Sounds familiar, i ignore these days, or tell him to jog on

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2015 14:49

Honestly he sounds like a total wanker. I really couldn't live with being dictated to and spoken down to like that. It'll kill any love you may have left for him.

Have you asked him why he's so critical.

Original poster
SuchAPurpleGlass · 02/02/2015 14:53

He says he's not critical and that I'm over sensitive and that I need to learn to accept constructive criticism.

OP posts:
farewellfigure · 02/02/2015 14:54

DH used to be a bit like that. I would tell him about what a wanker the boss was being, or how something was driving me nuts and he would always start by siding with the wanker, or try giving me advice how to do the job better to avoid wankerish statements from said boss. In the end I snapped and said I didn't want advice and I CERTAINLY didn't want him siding with the wanker. All I wanted was for him to say 'There there, I'm sorry your boss is such a wanker. Have a cuddle and a glass of wine'.

We'd been married about 3 months. I said we weren't going to be married much longer unless he stopped. Luckily... he stopped.

Tell your dh how much it drives you up the wall. He might not even have noticed he does it. DH was totally unaware that he was being so irritating!

LuisSuarezTeeth · 02/02/2015 14:57

What an absolute wanker! No way would I stand for that.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 02/02/2015 14:58

Every time he suggests something, tell him to SHOW you what he means. Then he ends up doing it.

bloodygorgeous · 02/02/2015 14:59

He says he's not critical and that I'm over sensitive and that I need to learn to accept constructive criticism.

Yes people like this always say that.

'It was a joke'

'I was just trying to help!'

'You can't take criticism!'

Trust your instincts - he sounds controlling and manipulative. Get tough now (telling him to do it himself and hanging up is a good start), show him you won't stand for this. Or it will get worse.

What's the rest of your relationship like? What are his good points?

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2015 15:02

constructive criticism my arse. Why don't you give him a taste of his own medicine. Keep chipping away at things he doesn't do or do well while doing fuck all yourself.

Can you go on strike? Just cook and wash your own stuff and leave his? As he's sure you're not doing it right he'll probably be glad to have a chance to do things properly his way without you fucking it up.

GoringBit · 02/02/2015 15:03

His behaviour sounds controlling and manipulative. Does he have a selective memory, by any chance?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2015 15:06

Yeah, I'd also like to know what his good points are?
Do you have kids?
Can you imagine putting up with this shit for the next 20, 30 or 40 years?
The resentment will grow.
No way I could put up with it I know that.
Sit down with a list of chores and split them evenly.
Then you can criticise HIM when he doesn't do it!
Honestly, look long and hard at where you see yourself in all of this and if this relationship is right for you.

DoJo · 02/02/2015 15:07

He says he's not critical and that I'm over sensitive and that I need to learn to accept constructive criticism.

Why don't you suggest that he is over-sensitive about your refusal to accept his criticism and that he needs to learn to accept people ignoring his unwelcome and unwanted thoughts on every aspect of their damn lives.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2015 15:12

This sort of "constructive criticism" can be a form of abuse. He isn't really trying to help you but rather to control you. He is constantly setting you up as not quite good enough / not quite competent enough. And yet he does nothing himself.

What positives does he bring to your life?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 02/02/2015 15:19

Quote:
SuchAPurpleGlassMon 02-Feb-15 14:53:53
He says he's not critical and that I'm over sensitive and that I need to learn to accept constructive criticism.

Well, if you can't beat them, joint 'em!
Start offering constructive criticism on him, his lack of fitness regime, his lack of work around the house and see how he likes it. Just pop ideas into conversation or better still, start off conversations like this.

You have my sympathies OP as that would drive me around the twist!

Blokes tend to hear an issue when we talk to them and they want to 'fix' it instead of being a sounding board and all we want is a "there, there there...it'll all be better in the morning" or something similar. Tell your DH that you don't want 'tips' on how to 'improve' the situation. You just want him to listen to you rant away and if you want his advice you'll ask for it.

ourglass · 02/02/2015 15:21

Fuck that!

hoobypickypicky · 02/02/2015 15:25

He needs to learn to stop being a lazy wanker.

You need to learn to pull him up every time he does this. Every time. Well done on telling him to clear the cupboard himself. Remember that it's good, but only as good as your determination to keep to it. If you cave in he'll continue to use these tactics as a means of controlling and manipulating.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2015 15:29

My hero old boss told me a story. When first married her DH said something about the lunch she made him to take to work. She never, in 20 years of marriage, made him another.

You aren't staff, you aren't his junior and you aren't a house elf. Tell him that anything he comments on in the house, is now his job. And mean it.

ImBatDog · 02/02/2015 15:47

im playing a little of the 'tit-for-tat' game with my DH at the moment, he's another who likes to comment that my way isn't how he'd do it.

so i've started doing it back to him, telling him off for not doing things how i like them done.

its driving him potty at the moment, really winding him up.. i'm waiting for the right moment for him to blow and me to point out that he doesn't like it being done to him, so stfu!

bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 16:03

Here's a tip, say to him "seeing as you are the expert on everything and I'm so incompetent, I have decided to leave everything in your capable hands" then leave him.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 02/02/2015 16:12

The rule in this house is "you interfere - you volunteer"

It doesn't take many "here you go, spoonyfucker, you know how dinner would be best done, I'll leave it in your capable hands" for folks to stfu.

When he says that constructive criticism thing, you just need to say that you understand the words that he has spoken, you simply disagree with him, which you have a perfect right to do. Unless he is actually trying to give commands, which surely he cannot be, since he isn't your boss in any way, is he...

Perhaps some constructive criticism of your own is called for. A big bloody list of it.

jasmineramsden · 02/02/2015 17:05

I couldn't STAND this type of partner. Constructive criticism my arse. He sounds like a nitpicking tosser.
Sorry that's not that helpful Blush
I would say, you're not my parent or teacher, so get off your high horse mate, or fuck off, frankly.

luckygirl322 · 02/02/2015 17:20

Is he a Libra? My mother and husband are-and they know the only correct way to do ANYTHING/EVERYTHING-and have no problem giving detailed instructions UNASKED.

They drive me mad! Wine

WorkingBling · 02/02/2015 17:27

Sorry, he does nothing around the house but proactively rings you to tell you what to do , and how? Seriously? This isn't funny or lighthearted. This is absolutely appalling and I would be leaving.

It's one thing to accept that some people cannot hear about a problem or issue without wanting to provide advice on how to fix it. But proactively criticising you and providing instruction is completely different.

If you think it's worth trying to salvage the relationship, start pushing every piece of criticism back at him, "if you don't like it done my way, please feel free to do it yourself." or on your fitness regime, "while I might be willign to take the advice of a fitness professional or someone who is a regular exerciser, until you get off your ass, please refrain from providing me with advice."

Why put up with it? Just dont.

CaptainAnkles · 02/02/2015 17:32

I'd be at the point of telling him to stick his unwanted and irrelevant advice right up his interfering arse.