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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX/ Pil's and care for DS

27 replies

Ivedunnit · 22/01/2015 12:49

Ok need a sanity check.
Myself and ex and DS (12) live in another country to EX PIL's ( who are lovely genuine people).
Our son spends 50% of his time with both of us and we alternate weekends.
I called ex yesterday with regards to him taking my son in two weeks time on the Thursday night as I am getting a new boiler fitted and there will be no heat in the house. Till late Friday. ( New DP is fitting boiler - ex is unaware of new DP) I also have plans for the Saturday evening ( this is my weekend without DS).
He informed he me that he won't be around that week as he has to go see his parents for the week. His dad had a mini stroke two weeks ago, they are both 87.
His sister is going away that weekend and his brothers wife will be in hospital that week. So there will only be his niece at home to mind the PIL's.

I think I am pissed at the assumption I should just be able to cover his weekend with no consultation.

AIBU

OP posts:
monal · 22/01/2015 12:52

Yes you are.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/01/2015 12:56

It's a family emergency, try and have a bit of compassion.

magpieginglebells · 22/01/2015 12:57

He's given you two weeks notice and his dad is poorly. YABU.

yellowdinosauragain · 22/01/2015 12:58

He should have spoken to you, yanbu about that. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to help out for a family emergency.

And a 12 year old will be fine with no boiler for 1 night just wrap up warm!

Summerisle1 · 22/01/2015 12:59

Who else do you assume is going to "cover his weekend" then? I'm sorry, but when family emergencies occur, you need to be a bit flexible about access. A spot of compassion wouldn't hurt either.

PercyGherkin · 22/01/2015 13:00

Given I guess you wouldn't normally send your son on a Thursday night for the weekend, so were asking him to change the usual arrangements (perhaps he has plans on a Thursday?) then glasshouses, stones, pots, kettles and black all spring to mind.

If it happened all the time I can understand it being annoying but you've given no indication that's the case and his very elderly dad's had a stroke (and you're aware that 10-15% of mini-strokes lead on to a full stroke within a month, yes?).

KitKat1985 · 22/01/2015 13:07

Unless he regularly lets you down (and I'm assuming he doesn't) then sorry yes yabu. I agree he should have told you but maybe given that it's two weeks away he just hadn't gotten around to calling you yet. It's a family emergency not just that he's planning on a jolly that weekend.

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 13:11

Yabvu and sound very hard work if you are getting pissed off at this. Yes he should have let you know but this is probably a very stressful time and you should have some compassion. Surely you all could suck it up for one night while the boiler is being fixed.

wanttosqueezeyou · 22/01/2015 13:12

He should have asked. And you should have said yes.

'Glasshouses' don't spring to mind for me percy as the OP was asking, not just expecting.

Its annoying that he didn't bother to let you know. And had you not rang him I wonder how late he would have left it.

PercyGherkin · 22/01/2015 13:14

Doesn't say she was asking though, only "called with regards to" - which could just as easily been informing!

SaucyJack · 22/01/2015 13:15

So you're happy to offload your son on to your ex when you need to (re boiler situation) but not for him to do the same.

He should've phoned you sooner tho if he needed to change contact tbf.

Original poster
Ivedunnit · 22/01/2015 14:15

Nothing like a mumsnet kick up the backside ! Smile
I suppose the only background missing is that he doesn't have his son 50% and complains when he does have him !
I will do what I always do and suck it up!

And as per the poster I wasn't offloading my son on the Thursday this is a night he should be with his dad but his dad never takes him.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 22/01/2015 18:41

The OP says that she called him, he didn't call her to give two weeks notice. He sounds like an arse OP, but what can you do? At least he has a genuine excuse this time eh? Wink

Heyho111 · 22/01/2015 19:15

Your being very unreasonable. Why are you complaining about having your son on your weekend off? Would you want your ex to help you out if there was an emergency ?

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/01/2015 19:22

Read the OP's update two posts up Heyho... I don't think she's BU.

PatriciaHolm · 22/01/2015 20:53

In the original OP you said your son spends 50% of his time with each of you so people's responses would have been informed by that. Is that not true then?

JenniferGovernment · 22/01/2015 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vdbfamily · 22/01/2015 21:13

It is not a situation I have experience of but my younger brother is divorced and they share the kids 50/50, and I am always Shock when he has the kids and needs to do something and exSIL will not step in because it is not 'her week'. I always imagine that I would want to see my kids as much as possible and if I was offered the chance of extra time with them I would jump at it.

Shonajay · 22/01/2015 22:20

Surely your new dp can fit the boiler another time? It's not like you're paying a plumber so the no heat in the house isn't really a valid point. You're being unreasonable and very unkind also.

Blackout234 · 23/01/2015 03:00

for gods sake yes you are being unreasonable i truly hope this is a reverse of some kind

WooWooOwl · 23/01/2015 09:01

I know where you're coming from. I have a flexible and very good relationship with my ex, and we would always help each other out with both the situations you're talking of when it would be easier for us to have the children with the other parent.

The problem isn't him needing to not have ds that weekend, because he has a good reason for that, it's him not telling you and you only finding out about it when you phone him.

Original poster
Ivedunnit · 23/01/2015 10:28

I guess what happens when you are dealing with exes your head gets messed up.
He doesn't take DS 50% although that is the arrangement. More 70/30.
Last week he called that his shifts had been changed and I rescheduled my work to accommodate him.
He could have gone to his parents on one of his weekends but that wasn't feasible in his mind.
Ah well ! There's a reason for the ex - in ex DH.

Thanks for all of the constructive feedback.

OP posts:
Altinkum · 23/01/2015 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe · 23/01/2015 10:44

my ex had a family emergency last year which meant that ds had to stay with me with just hours notice, and our 50/50 arrangement was disrupted for weeks as xh was travelling back and forth to be with the family member in question. Arrangements were sporadic so I knew that I potentially had to have ds with no notice - and it would never have occurred to me to think otherwise.

Just because someone has a 50/50 arrangement, doesn't mean they are only a parent 50% of the time.

I never understand these people who have issue with having their own children - children they'd be looking after anyway if they weren't divorced from the other parent.

getting divorced didn't mean I suddenly gained an entitlement to 50% of my time child- free - I am still his parent 100% of the time, it just so happens that he spends 50% of that time with my ex. however, if my ex isn't able to spend that time with him then the default position is that he spends it with me.

Altinkum · 23/01/2015 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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