To be angry with dh's boss

[Littlehomebird]

I know my dh's boss (by sight) & likewise he 'knows' me - knows who I am. He's always appeared a bit grumpy & whenever I said hello in passing I was lucky to get a 'nod' in return. Sometimes I was blanked completely. Recently I gave up saying hello & decided not to bother. However- today dh had a review type meeting with him where he was being very critical of dh's work. He also said ". . And I've noticed your wife has stopped speaking to me!. " I feel that whatever his issue is with me it was inappropriate of him to mention me atall to dh. This man has a reputation of being abrupt with people in general & I thought he was someone who would rather be left alone than try to make small talk so that's why I don't bother . Should I approach him to clear the air & if so what should I say? I don't want him taking his dislike for me out on dh.

I would ignore it. How are you seeing him so often?

Sometimes I was blanked completely.

Is it possible he genuinely didn't see you? And now, manlike, thinks its a case of you ignoring him because your DH has said something unfavourable about him rather than the situation arising from his failure to notice you?

I say this as someone who manages to do a very good impression of invisibility even to close relatives and friends in passing.

Highly inappropriate of him to raise this at a staff meeting.

No not possible he's not seeing me. I see him several times a week (school gate mostly & lunch time deli). The two of them have had their issues recently so you could be right- maybe he thinks dh speaks about him to me. He' been dh's boss for over 10 years now & I've always found him unpleasant it's not a new issue. However I am angry that I was mentioned during the meeting.

It wouldnt matter if you broke into his house and shit on his living room carpet, it has no bearing on your husbands work so it was totally inappropriate to mention it.

I know people like this (my mother can be like this sometimes) and its ok for them to ignore you when they are not in the mood to talk or acknowledge you, but heaven forbid you ignore them! If you do then you are moody, sulky or downright rude! I think it stems from self importance, "I am important enough for everyone to notice but you are not important enough for me to acknowledge"

Take that particular comment out of the equation for a minute - were his comments about your husband's performance justified? What follow-up actions and timescales were agreed?

Bogey face you're spot on. Several times when he ignored me I thought ' sod off then - respect doesn't come with a job title it has to be earned". And no his criticism of work performance isn't justified. Due to lay offs dh's workload has increased ten fold and there just are not enough hours in the day. Dh left for work at 7am & popped home for dinner & has gone back to try to catch up. Will he be thanked?- no.

I'd handle this carefully then if I was your husband. Sounds like he could be trying to get rid of him too. I take it he documented everything that was discussed in the review? If not, he needs to do so now.

How long has he worked there?

11 years. I know they are all under pressure & he also has a boss who puts pressure on him, but I'm glad most of you agree he should not have mentioned me.it was inappropriate. Part of me feels a tiny bit guilty- there were occasions I knew I was ignoring him but that was because he wouldn't have spoken to me. You are probably right I better not try to clear the air as I may inflame the situation. Dh has documented their conversation.

Maybe make a point of being ultra smarmy nice to him next time you see him.

Dh worked until 10pm last night. (From 7am & he'll get paid for 9 hours). During his meeting with boss, there were 2 things which boss pointed out had been done incorrectly. (Not by dh himself but by management level below him but dh is responsible for).last night dh investigated these 2 errors and both team managers involved were told directly by boss to deliberately do these mistakes.obviously boss wanted something to moan about couldn't find any thing so decided to create a situation. There are no lay offs at dh's level (it's all levels at head office) this makes me wonder if it is a personal grudge boss has - perhaps me? Dh left for work again @ 5.45am. God knows when he'll get home. This is a very tiresome situation & feel sympathy for dh.

Get your husband to get hold of the company grievance procedure and consider using it.

Thanks for your advice jean. I also think this is what needs to happen now. I know dh will be reluctant to go down this route as he fears coming out of it the worse off, we really need his income as still 10 years to go on mortgage, kids still at home etc. it's really frustrating that some managers can do what they like ,say what they like & constantly get away with it. I think yesterday a line was crossed tho & it's perhaps time to act.

It does seem that there is more to this than meets the eye and I agree that now is the time to take this to a higher level. Its good that your DH found evidence of deliberate sabotage though, manager is clearly not as clever as he thinks he is........