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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my dd win at games

32 replies

mommy2ash · 30/12/2014 13:39

my dd is eight she got draughts for Christmas and is asking people to play constantly. my friend played with her and let her win straight away. then I played properly and my friend said it was a bit mean to beat her. I didn't just wipe her off the board but explained the whole point of the game is problem solving and thinking ahead we only had one piece each at the end. also she is an only child so I don't want her to get used to just winning all the time it makes life harder for her with friends nobody likes a sore loser.

do you just let your child win?

OP posts:

Cataline · 30/12/2014 13:42

Absolutely not- letting them win teaches them nothing!

PresidentTwonk · 30/12/2014 13:43

Yanbu my grandad taught me so many games as a child and the fun part was to keep playing until I was good enough to win, how boring to just win all the time because you're a child! Imagine the tantrum when they turn 13 (for example) and have to start working/using their brain to win! You're doing the right thing!

Goingintohibernation · 30/12/2014 13:45

YANBU. No one can win all the time.

happyfeet1 · 30/12/2014 13:59

My 8 year old dd also got draughts for Christmas. I haven't played it in a long time and the instructions on the box weren't too clear so we watched a tutorial on YouTube together.

First game she won, I did offer her a few pointers though about what would happen if she moved here and there. After that I shut up and won the next couple of games.

Dd took it round to my dad's and played with him last night. I don't know what he taught her but we have just had a game this morning and I've been destroyed by her! She knows I haven't let her win and so has been walking around like this

Dd2 (almost 5) got Frustration. Same thing here, gave her a few pointers during the first game then left her to it.

From previous experience it's not always as nice as I make it sound. Sooner or later one of them will flip the board over in annoyance at having lost a few games in a row!

As a pp said; winning all the time takes the fun out of it eventually and teaches nothing.

Original poster

mommy2ash · 30/12/2014 14:03

glad I'm not the only one then :-) if she kept losing i would throw one now and again to keep morale up till she got better.

OP posts:

mummybare · 30/12/2014 14:06

I do a bit, but DD is 2.5. At 8 I shall be roundly whooping her arse at every game going, I imagine

YouSitOnAThroneOfLies · 30/12/2014 14:08

My boys (9) got monopoly for Xmas, played for the first time on Boxing Day, and DH and I gave them a few pointers, and helped them along the way, fudged where we could with out actually cheating so that they didn't lose too early, but no, we didn't let them win... To be fair they both played bloody well and next time we play m expecting one of them to win!
If a child wins all the time they become a sore loser. No one wants to play with a child who cries and stamps feet when they don't win. Children need to learn they can't win everything.

My boys were the same when we got them a wii and they play Mariokart with us, at first they hardly ever won, now they beat me at least 75% of the time! they've learnt that they get better with practise! and it's much more fun to win when you know it's all you not somebody letting you win.

jollyjester · 30/12/2014 14:10

YANBU

Mt 3yo got some games for Christmas and while my dh thinks she should be allowed to win at every opportunity I don't let her.

They have to learn that they cannot win all the time and that coming second is going to happen sometimes.

Although with my DD I admit we play until everyone has finished the game!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2014 14:15

I tend to say things like 'Are you sure you want to move that piece?' Or 'Put that back and have another look' for a couple of games then for the next couple just play and beat them, then if they are actually concentrating and trying hard I might miss a few opportunities

It's not good to let them win if they aren't learning and trying and I think it's a bit demotivating for them never to win.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 14:16

I let mine win sometimes, intermittent reinforcement is most likely to encourage them to stick at it and develop the skill. If you win all the time I think it's disheartening but letting them win all the time can mean they don't learn skills around losing graciously and or may lose interest in the game.

DontCallMeBaby · 30/12/2014 14:19

DD is 10 and gets either her own rules (some games have kids' rules in the instructions, or we make our own up), a bit of fudging, or absolutely no quarter given whatsoever. We'll be a bit kinder with games involving general knowledge, words etc. We up the ante if she starts to win 'too much'.Draughts though, we reached an impasse on the first game we ever played, when she was about four, and she'd trounce me now! I'm terrible at draughts!

DeWee · 30/12/2014 15:39

I do a mixture and it depends on the game and the situation.
I would always play full out against dd1 (aged 14yo)-she'd be insulted if I didn't though

If we play a set of games I will make sure I don't win all the time. I don't deliberately make errors, but will occasionally use my judgement to make a perhaps less wise choice than I would if I was playing against someone older.

But sometimes one of mine will want to play cards or something as a comfort after something's gone wrong or badly. Then I'll usually make sure they win or get pretty close in the first game. And then I'll play one to win, and after that depends.

I also will do the "are you sure?" They'll usually ask me why, so I'll explain my thoughts, and they then make the choice-they don't always follow my advice and sometimes it pays off and most of the time it doesn't.

I don't play with them winning, or constant extra chances. all the time. My dm did that with db because he stropped heavily if he didn't win and was the youngest (but not by that much). Try playing Trivial persuits where the main rule is someone gets asked questions until they get the right answer. Gets pretty boring. Also meant that db thought people were being deliberately mean if they didn't play to let him win. That was tricky once he was at secondary school.

BabyMarmoset · 30/12/2014 15:47

I'm a big believer that you need to learn to lose. Sadly I never learnt how as a child.

Firstly when playing Monopoly with my DSis, the rules were that you could never charge more than the other person had in cash... so the game would only end when the bank ran out of money.... oh the interminable hours I must have wasted.

Secondly I used to love Scabble (still do). I am good at it and always beat my family. When playing with my now DH early in our relationship. I won the first few times, when he finally beat me I threw the board across the room, left him to pick up the pieces and refused to speak to him for about a day... amazed he's still with me!!

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 30/12/2014 15:54

I tend to slow myself down a bit sometimes if it avoids completely wiping the floor with them! That could be too disheartening compared to just losing IYSWIM. But no, I don't let them win. I just gradually increase how much effort I put in until I'm playing normally (just over a few games) or I'll concede the odd point or give them a hint to help them play better.

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2014 15:58

You did the right thing, or they are unpopular when older - I had a friend when I was young and she had much older siblings who let her win- she couldn't lose without getting upset. No one wanted to play with her.
It is a hard (but necessary) lesson. I ask them what is the point of winning if you only won because someone chose to let you and it takes away the excitement of knowing that you have won fairly.
I sometimes don't play to the best of my ability, but I don't deliberately lose.
If you have more than one child playing they can't both win!

erin99 · 30/12/2014 16:05

No, we are on a dedicated campaign to make sure our 5yo doesn't win too much at the moment. It's sooo tempting to lose at Top Trumps just so the bloody thing ends but he got too used to winning and turned into a horrible loser.

QTPie · 30/12/2014 16:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sausageandorangepickle · 30/12/2014 16:18

I work with young people who have anxiety/self esteem issues, so fairly often don't play games to the best of my ability, but on one memorable occasion we went bowling and I could not get the ball in the gutter tactfully at all - aiming sideways but getting a strike kind of thing. It was probably my best ever bowling score and I was trying so hard to come last . With my kids it depends on what we are playing and how much practice they have had.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 30/12/2014 16:45

QTPie presumably if you're having a running race against a five year old you're modifying your behaviour some how (otherwise you'll very quickly get out of sight which is not the best parenting. So why do you modify a bit but not more?

I let 3.5 DD win running races, she's fully aware she's being let win, 'cos she's not stupid enough to really think she can win a running race. She also lets her stuffed toys win sometimes when she's racing them.

Sometimes you can play badly / without your full attention, but to not always use your full level of skill against a weak opponent is just as much of a necessary skill to learn as needing to work hard to win.

NickiFury · 30/12/2014 16:52

Every now and then I do, yes. What's to aspire to if they never get to win? My Dad never let us win and was a big of "first is first, second is nowhere!" Was boring as fuck tbh so we just stopped playing any games at all with him. He was what is known as a "Bad Winner".

erin99 · 30/12/2014 17:47

QTPie my dad was the same. DB and I very quickly lost interest in chess when it only ever consisted of being pummelled into the ground.

Funnily enough the only person who will play him now is my 5 year old, who is used to winning.

OriginalGreenGiant · 30/12/2014 17:58

We have lots of games of chance...frustration, snakes and ladders and the like. I don't let them win those (how would you anyway?) but because they're luck then the wins/loses are pretty even anyway.

Games that require skill - yes I do let them win sometimes. They had a pool table for Xmas (nearly a full size one..dh and I are in our element!) and it's the first time they've really played other than the odd game on friends mini tables. I'm an excellent pool player, as is dh...all those pre-dc years of spending evenings in the pub paid off.

How would it be fun for the dc at all if I played a game that they are just learning 'properly' and smashed them, ending it in a minute or two?

Of course I go easy on them. The same as when they were learning draughts and connect 4 etc.

Ds1 is now an excellent draughts and connect 4 player. I still have the edge (just!) at draughts but he slams me every time at connect 4. I cannot beat him. So I don't think I've damaged their prospects, if anything it seems to have helped them become more skilled.

OriginalGreenGiant · 30/12/2014 18:04

A lot on this thread seem to think you either play to win OR let them win.

It's not black and white. I don't always let them win...some loses, but some wins so they stay interested.

gamerwidow · 30/12/2014 18:05

I don't let me 4yo dd win all the time although I do help her a bit if it's a new game and she doesn't know the rules. Learning to lose graciously is an important skill.

OriginalGreenGiant · 30/12/2014 18:06

No, never have done (DS almost 5): if he wants to win, he had to run faster, swim faster, play better. You cannot expect to win, you really have to work for it

From a parenting perspective that's the fastest way to crush a child's ego into the ground IMO.

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