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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children seeing the ex over christmas

16 replies

dietstartsmonday · 23/12/2014 12:23

so I have 3 teenagers from 14-16.
Last week I spoke to their dad about something else and he mentioned Christmas. Did they want to come over on Christmas eve and he would bring them back on Christmas day at some point. I said I would speak to them and get him to contact them. I try and stay out of it now.

All three wish to be here Christmas eve and Christmas day, its their home.
Oldest suggested 23 -24th dad said no.

Dad said boxing day, kids said no as we have guests, who they want to see. His reply was how about putting dad first?

So we are at stalemate.

Back ground here youngest 2 only seen him a handful of times this year. Oldest a bit more. None have seen him since October. he doesn't contact them in between at all. Doesn't even know oldest just done mocks.

So AIBU to leave them to sort?
I think they are finding it hard as he is being a bit shitty about it. Maybe he should have sorted it before now
what is the answer to this as only those days seem to suit him.

OP posts:
spinduchess · 23/12/2014 12:26

They're old enough to choose for themselves. If logistics mean it doesn't happen, tough shit ex husband.

wonderingsoul · 23/12/2014 12:27

Leave it, there made their choice and on his death bed he will realise it was all he's own doing.

Of course at the moment it'll be your fault.

Stay out and enjoy christmas with your lot and don't dare feel guilty for it.

DidoTheDodo · 23/12/2014 12:27

I think it is quite telling that you call him "the ex" in your post title, not "their dad".
To what extent have you enabled them to see him (or hindered?). And at 14-16, no, I don't think you should leave it up to them. Yes, of course their views come into it, but you have to let them know that their dad is actually important and they need to see him.

wonderingsoul · 23/12/2014 12:29

Why is he important.. Just because he's a dad... The op has said the dad hadn't contacted them since October....

It's not up to the kids or the rp to chase contact.

grocklebox · 23/12/2014 12:30

You're going to tell a 16 year old that they HAVE to see the parent that doesn't bother their arse the rest of the year, because its christmas? Hmm
As if! They aren't toddlers, they can see who they want to.

Summerisle1 · 23/12/2014 12:30

Yes, leave it to them to sort out. They've offered an alternative which has been turned down and quite frankly, anyone who wants to use emotional blackmail of the "put Dad first" variety ought to demonstrate that they have any intention of reciprocating. No contact since October suggests someone who puts his himself and his plans way ahead of his children.

Summerisle1 · 23/12/2014 12:37

And at 14-16, no, I don't think you should leave it up to them. Yes, of course their views come into it

Sorry, I disagree. And I come to this view from having teenage dcs and dscs. By this age, you should be moving away from formal contact arrangements determined by the parents and into a system that is a great deal more flexible and which, in the main, is down to the dcs to arrange. You can't force 16 year olds into arrangements they are reluctant to go along with and especially not on the basis that they need to see the NRP. Especially when said NRP has shown no great interest in having regular contact with their dcs.

SaucyJack · 23/12/2014 12:37

Sod him.

If it was that important to him to see them, he should have had it arranged back in September.

He's just feeling sorry for himself and trying to pull rank. Don't let him.

Deadbeat dads don't have a right to anything.

Original poster
dietstartsmonday · 23/12/2014 12:44

dido he is my ex that's why I have called him that.

I don't think at the ages they are I should be forcing them to attend contact. I did this for years, and have only recently stepped back a bit. They choose not to contact him either, I do remind them at times, however he is not interested in them.

They have plans some with me some without. I would like to find a solution, but just don't feel its down to me anymore

OP posts:
financialwizard · 23/12/2014 12:46

At that age it is up to your children. Maybe if he had made an effort with them they would have made an effort with him.

Entitled arse.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 23/12/2014 13:22

Mine are 14 and 17 and I leave it all totally up to them. I am not their social secretary and don't know what other plans they have so I am completely unable to make plans for them.

Sounds like their dad isn't that bothered anyway.

Stay out of it and have a lovely Christmas Thanks

EatShitDerek · 23/12/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 23/12/2014 13:31

Contact isn't meant to be for his benefit. It is for the children.

You shouldn't get to ignore your children for two months then demand that they miss out on enjoyable Christmas activities because you feel like spending some time with them.

I would make it clear to them that they don't have to do anything they don't want to and certainly don't have to miss out on Christmas at home to keep him happy. However, I'd also remind them that he is their father and it might be a good idea to maintain some sort of contact with him as they might feel bad in the future if they have pushed him away completely.

Maybe they could give him another time they would like to see him and leave it up to him to decide whether to take them up on it. If he doesn't that's up to him and you've done your bit.

I do think it's quite important that they are allowed to say no to the times they feel strongly about and the matter is closed as far as those days are concerned.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/12/2014 13:34

His reply was how about putting dad first? what an arse!

Yes leave it to the kids, as said by Derek they know their own mind.

Enjoy your Christmas and try not to fret about it.

Original poster
dietstartsmonday · 23/12/2014 13:42

thank you all.

I have advisee them to give him a choice off two dates that suit and leave it there

past form means he will prob sulk and not bother. his loss

OP posts:
FlowerFairy2014 · 23/12/2014 14:15

He has made his bed. Now he has to lie in it.

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