Know I'm being ridiculous about this present, but need telling!

[feelingungrateful]

This is really silly. I have to say this at the start.

So, this isn't directly relevant but explains how irrational I'm being recently: earlier in the week was talking to a colleague who's just moved out of her parents to live with her bf of 6 months. Am happy for her but felt a bit miffed somehow. Which is silly I have a lovely home of my own, as does my bf, who I've been with for 9 months. We're much older than her, we don't need to live together for financial reasons and both like our own space. We will live together one day but it's years off.So I've no reason to feel meh, because I am happy living as we do for now.

Anyway hot on the heels of that piece of ridiculousness, today a friend put something on Facebook about a present she's had from her bf. of a few months...Which is lovely but clearly hugely expensive (£500+). I've set a budget of £100 with my bf. I think that's ample, we could afford more but it seems silly to me to spend huge amounts at Xmas, not just because we've been together less than a year but more that I just wouldn't spend loads anyway. So why am I all green eyed over her lovely present?!

Either he adores the pants off her - which is lovely.

Or he has no idea of the value of things - which is also lovely (but slightly worrying).

Or he's feeling faintly guilty about something (which is rather more worrying).

Meanwhile - you are suffering from a small dose of Nicely Brought Up Girl guilt, we all know we're meant to be Strong Independent Women - but can't help having the odd attack of Have I Made A Massive Mistake And Should I Have Grabbed My Man And Done BABIES the Moment I left University?

Sorry, got rather over excited with the newly discovered bold thingy there....

I would absolutely hate to get very expensive present off anybody. £500 is a daft amount to spend and isn't necessarily a measure of how much she is loved. This present-buying lark is getting more and more mad!

You seem to be a bit jealous of things you don't even really want. You say you prefer your space, and would limit gift money to £100. Yet you feel rather green-eyed about other people who do things differently.

Perhaps you could delve into your mind and try and work out what it is exactly that you're missing in your life? Because if you were truly happy, you wouldn't feel like this.

I don't know. Are you really happy with your separate houses and your £100 limit?

Or would you like to be moving in with your DP and to be receiving lavish presents?

Or something else you are dissatisfied with in your relationship - or with yourself - is leading you to compare to these other things and feel disappointed?

Or is it just you need to step away from Facebook?! It does bring out the green-eyed monster in the best of us, for no real reason at all sometimes.

Could just be silly and you need to have a stern word with yourself. Could be that you're trying to tell yourself something but not wanting to listen.

Are you miffed because you and your bf have made sensible, thought through decisions with an eye to the future, where these other two people seem to have jumped right in there, living your future plans without having 'earned' them?

They are making decisions with their hearts, you are making yours with your head.

Perhaps?

I am very happy. It's without doubt the best relationship I've ever had. I know he loves me, and would spend £500 or more on me if I asked him to.

I am the strong independent woman type. Ish. I've had to be in the past. He'd move in with me sooner I think if I made a case for it. But I don't think I really want it. We're together 3-4 nights a week.as it is, and it works well. I've rushed into moving in together before, and it went horribly wrong.

So you are happy to be a strong independent woman who can make responsible and equal spending decisions but you'd also quite like to be swept off your feet with reckless romance and showered with expensive presents??
Sounds perfectly reasonable, you want the penny and the bun, who doesn't!

Is it related to the ppl involved?
Do you think they dont "deserve" to have that kind of money to fritter, owing to their youth (youth is always a reason for envious feelings)
Do you feel a bit miffed that you don't have a piece of exciting news about your own relationship?
Its one to ponder. Don't be hard on yourself.

You want the penny and the bun
Gorgeous phrase.

You already know that rushing into things can end up in disaster. It sounds like your friends don't necessarily know that yet. Who knows how these other relationships will work out? Maybe they'll live happily ever after; maybe it'll be 500 quid spend on Christmas in a relationship that won't last till summer.

It sounds like you're happy with the decisions you've made in your relationship so far and you don't have unrealistic Hollywood-style expectations of love, which probably gives your relationship more chance of success than big gestures, IMHO...

I know where you're coming from.

But my ex used to wow me with expensive presents (not in the same league, but we were students at the time). We broke up, and new BF didn't do the present thing. 15 years down the line new BF has paid off all his student debt, bought a house with me, we've moved up the housing ladder twice. He works his socks off both in his job and around the house. Always drives cars we own outright, though they are not flashy. The ex always has the latest phone and a posh car, but he's run up huge debts and I think that was a big factor in his divorce. I am really, really not jealous of his ex-wife.

Is it really the money / lavish present thing? Or is there something else niggling you?

I've spent £35 each on my beautiful children, and less than that on my husband. We can't afford more, so it's more about the thought that goes into it (I know they will love their presents).

I've worked so much overtime this year and have bought DP of 1.3yrs over 10 presents all over £20 each and he hasn't bought me anything so far because he pays the majority of the bills and I don't but my happiness will come from him opening his presents on Christmas Day and seeing all his stress melt away makes me warm and fuzzy inside maybe your friend and her DP feel the same way it's the strength of the relationship not the time they have been together that matters at the end of the day it's just money they earn so may as well spend it on things that make them happy while they can YABU and need to butt out of her life .

Is it that their updates trigger a difficult memory?

I totally sympathise op.
We have a budget and it would never occur to dh to blow it, because we agreed to it.
We do christmas lists with ideas etc

I want him to blow it and buy something off list and totally frivolous. just because. And he never will.
The irony is that his reliability is one of the things I love about him!