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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

erectile problems- no spontaneous erections

25 replies

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 16:47

Am I being unreasonable to feel undesired? My partner and I have a good sex life but since the start of our relationships he has never had spontaneous erections. It was a bit of a shock when we first slept together as he required quite a lot of manual help to get it up . Sometimes he fails to get one altogether or it goes soft in the middle of sex. I have told him I dont mind; as we women are trained to do! However, I am getting put off having sex with him as a result. He has occasionally managed to get spontaneous erections in the morning and when he is really relaxed but they are infrequent. Today I told him that its a problem for me and makes me feel less sexy and he got very upset about it as he thinks as long as he can manage to get an erection manual stimulation should not be an issue! He is only 27 so its not a health or age related problem. Any thoughts? Am I being a bitch?

OP posts:

DoraGora · 18/12/2014 16:58

If they're not spontaneous, can they not be planned for instead? Spontaneity isn't everything in life. Does he not have any ideas of his own? He must have had a few observations by now.

Ozne · 18/12/2014 17:03

I think you oughtn't rule out a health issue purely because he is a young man. Has he seen no the gp about this yet?

DoJo · 18/12/2014 17:07

Has he been to the doctor? I don't think it's something you should be complaining about unless he is refusing to seek medical help. Could you not come at it from the point of view of being concerned about his health, because that would probably be more effective and should be uppermost in both your minds anyway...

girlywhirly · 18/12/2014 17:12

Does he have a stressful job, work long hours? Does he take any medication, including recreational drugs? Drink alcohol to excess? These all affect performance.

It could be performance anxiety, if he is not aroused or loses stiffness part way through sex. Does he actually get to ejaculate?

I think he could do with help from a specialist, initially go to his GP and get referred, for physical and psychological examinations as appropriate. I understand you are feeling undesired, but if you try to support him instead of making him feel useless I think you'll get somewhere. You can't know for sure there isn't a problem related to health physical or psychological.

Good luck.

RoastingYourChestnutsHurtsAlot · 18/12/2014 17:12

He needs to seek medical advice as this can have an adverse effect on your relationship.

Bulbasaur · 18/12/2014 17:12

Has he gone to the doctor for it? He might just be a slow starter.

Does he have any kinks he's not telling you about?

To be fair, I'm sure you don't go from 0 - OMGDOMENOW!!! in only a few seconds either. Foreplay is good for both genders.

GingerbreadPudding · 18/12/2014 17:16

If think the fact he is young and only rarely gets a morning erections means it's likely to be medical. If you've ruled out some kind of mental/emotional issue.

I was with a guy who used to lose his erection during sex and I totally get how damaging that can be. My ex used to sort of pretend nothing had happened. It was just awful and made me feel unattractive. He refused to consider seeing a doctor.

Please ask him to really consider this. I really feel for you

ZanyMobster · 18/12/2014 17:48

Anxiety, depression or stress can be huge factors.

My DH suffers from all 3, anxiety and depression are moderate-severe. When he spoke to the GP she said she is seeing more and more men with similar issues due to lifestyles in general these days, ie lots of pressure at work and generally very busy lifestyles.

It is awful for both of us, DH feels he is not a 'proper' husband and I feel very insecure, it doesn't how many times DH tells me it is not anything to do with how he feels about me but at times it is still difficult to stay fully understanding.

Things are getting better but I think it will take a very long time to get back to normal and I am terrified that it won't get better but the GP assures him things will naturally improve. Don't assume that he doesn't feel awful about it also, he may just be acting defensively in his response to you.

ZanyMobster · 18/12/2014 17:48

When I said similar issues I meant erection issues due to stress etc.

Original poster

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 19:33

He has had this since he started having sex and im the only woman he has had spontaneous erections with . He has them in the morning and when sleeping- often has wet dreams- but not when we are together. He used to need viagra but doesnt with me. He has seen the G.P who said its probably psychological as all tests came back normal but offered no further help. He does suffer from anxiety and OCD so it may be that but he seems to think that as long as I continue to manually stimulate him to achieve erection then there isnt a problem which I really am not happy about as I feel that he needs to work to overcome the issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 19:35

Thank you Gingerbreadpudding and zanymobster. I feel quite alone with this issue. I am older than him and although I know its not about me I cant help but feel insecure about it. I know he feels useless but I dont know how to help him and its so frustrating for us both.

OP posts:

GingerbreadPudding · 18/12/2014 19:39

If he's having wet dreams then it's psychological and unfortunately the only 'cure' would be seeing a therapist I guess. And if he's anything like men I'd know, he wouldn't want to go. But if he would consider it, I'd go for that. I agree that it's a real boost for a chap to get an erection from kissing you etc. and it must be depressing to have to rub away to get things to happen. See what he says about a therapist?

gatewalker · 18/12/2014 19:53

He can go and see a Somatic Sex Educator, Taradeliah. There may well be one near where you live. Their training specifically addresses issues around erectile dysfunction, and the results can be quite dramatic.

This is a relatively new, pioneering modality. It is hands-on work, and the emphasis is on working practically with the client; no counselling, no drugs.

Original poster

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 20:04

Gatewalker, so the woman would be touching him? Not sure I am quite ready for that ;-) Am intrigued though!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 20:09

Gingerpudding, he is actually just starting therapy to deal with his OCD. He quite an open minded chap. Perhaps I will suggest he discuss this in therapy. Thanks for the support! It really is quite depressing x

OP posts:

afterthought · 18/12/2014 21:17

My DP suffers with this too. It is so hard as it isn't the sort of thing you can talk to any of your friends about. I've really struggles and it has left me feeling really insecure. I miss the intimacy - I think DP avoids sex as he feels so embarrassed. Even though in my mind I know why he avoids sex, my mind often over thinks it and comes up with 101 reasons why he doesn't want sex.

I'm afraid I have no advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

ClashCityRocker · 18/12/2014 21:23

Sorry but can someone explain what a spontaneous erection is? Do they just randomly get erections? I don't think mine does that. Apart from sometimes in the morning.

RoastingYourChestnutsHurtsAlot · 18/12/2014 21:28

My understanding is an erection that they get without having to be touched - so basically when they touch you or watch porn and that turns them on. Non spontaneous erection means they're turned on but don't become erect without being helped along manually or orally

PigletInABlanketJohn · 18/12/2014 21:39

clash

he did when he was 14.

Presumably he no longer is.

ClashCityRocker · 18/12/2014 21:44

Ah I see.

Sorry if I've caused offence. DH is the only regular sexual partner I've had so not sure what is 'normal' - for want of a better word - or not.

OP, it sounds really positive that he is open-minded to therapy. I hope you can resolve this.

Original poster

Taradeliah · 18/12/2014 22:19

Thanks for your support girls/ladies. This is the first time ive used mumsnet and its a great resource . I will check out sex therapy too x

OP posts:

mamadoc · 19/12/2014 00:29

Does he take SSRI antidepressants for the OCD? These are really notorious for causing erectile problems.

Original poster

Taradeliah · 19/12/2014 09:00

Nope and he doesn't drink or take any recreational chemicals

OP posts:

JingleBellSniffer · 19/12/2014 09:13

my dp has this but only seems to be during the week, after work. He has a very stressful job so can go soft half way through, but I can go dry half way through - this is down to not drinking water, I think. being dehydrated, worn down.
We get upset with each other because we feel less desirable. it's been happening the past few weeks, everything is fine other than sometimes I go dry, sometimes he goes soft. He's 20.

girlywhirly · 19/12/2014 13:10

Can I suggest that stimulating other parts of the body can be arousing, not just touching the genitals, breasts and kissing? Sometimes gentle stroking of the back can do it, sucking/licking fingertips, nuzzling the back of the neck. My DH enjoys having his balls gently fondled, and the area right at the base of the penis, not necessarily all of it. Everyone is different.

Good idea to get some therapy.

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