AIBU to think he should have stopped gaming to help

[Narnia72]

I took the children (7,5,2) to a party an hour's drive away. I knew it was going to be late, so put them into pjs at the party and they fell asleep in the car on the way home.

OH declined to come, so I texted him when I was leaving so he had an approx time of arrival. When I got home he was online on a stupid world of tanks game that he constantly plays (although that is another thread). I went to ask him to come and help carry the kids to bed. He said that he would come when he'd finished his game. I had a go at him because if he came in and asked for help with the kids, especially in this situation, I'd have stopped whatever I was doing to get the kids into bed as soon as possible. His argument was that they were asleep and safe and it was no consequence if they spent a further 5 minutes in the car.

I didn't know, to be fair, how long it was going to take him to finish as these bloody things can go on for hours. I put the kids to bed by myself and then he came up, ready to help.

He does normally pull his weight with the kids, but this game seems to take priority to more and more ATM. We've had a really tough family situation to deal with and he's used it as an escape. I don't mind him playing it unless it's to the detriment of our family. He doesn't see that at all.

Get rid of the game!sorry you have had a tough time but reverting to a 15 yo boy wont help

These game addictions are a very real problem aren't they. I think your DH was being hugely unreasonable and I'd be mightily pissed off at that kind of behaviour - is he a teenager or an adult with responsibilities ffs. Is this a recent thing with him?

YANBU. He needs to quit being a manchild.

Not at all. Your children and you should come first. My exh was always on his xbox as was my current DP when we met. I'd call him down for dinner and he'd come down 20 minutes later. Eventually he came downstairs to find his dinner in the bin and me in an extremely bad mood. He never did it again but he does still play, he's just much more considerate now. If he's normally good just have a word and see if it gets better. Good luck.

Utterly ridiculous. So you were supposed to leave the DCs in a rapidly cooling car by themselves while he finished what he was doing? Or you were supposed to sit in the car with the engine/heating running until he deigned to help you? Have you asked him which of these he thinks you should have done?

I would be furious.

No game shouldn't have a 'pause' button. Any game that doesn't is obviously designed by adolescent wankers for other adolescent wankers.

I wouldn't have one of those things in the house. They're a waste of life.

I hate that it's even called gaming. It's playing. Playing a game. Adults have to put aside toys quite often to do stuff they have grown responsible for.

YANBU, but is he retreating into the game to escape from the tough family situation? If he is and he usually pulls his weight then I can maybe understand his POV a bit more.

It doesn't excuse him seeing the game as more important than you/DC, but are you able to cut him a bit of slack just this once?

If you were MNing to help you deal with RL shit would you expect him to be understanding?

I haven't minded him playing it in the past as he used to play it very sporadically, but more recently it's every evening after the children's bedtime. It's taking over his life.

He's very good with the kids and does pull his weight, which is why I was so surprised and cross that he thought his reaction was ok. I don't see the problem in saying to a load of other online gamers, "sorry, I have to stop as I need to help with the kids for 10 minutes." He thinks that would be rude.

He's got his priorities warped at the moment. He can't see that, and I can't get through to him, normally because I have a go in the heat of the moment rather than picking my moment and talking to him about how worried I am about this.

MsVestibule - I don't think it even occurred to him. They were wrapped up with fleece onesies and blankets so probably wouldn't have suffered if I'd turned the engine off, but he didn't know that.

Arrgh. I had such a lovely evening with the kids and then to come home to a row has really taken the shine off it. Will try and discuss it calmly tomorrow.

Thanks all x

Agent ZIgzag, things have been tough and I do cut him some slack. However, to follow your analogy, if he came in needing help with the kids and I was on mumsnet I'd simply stop and help. That's my issue. X

I don't see the problem in saying to a load of other online gamers, "sorry, I have to stop as I need to help with the kids for 10 minutes." He thinks that would be rude.

Possibly because he's likely to be playing with a bunch of teenagers/young guys and doesn't want to admit he's older with a family?

Not excusing it but it might be why. And with online games time is generally of the essence, hence not being 'able' to pause the game.

The games only last 15 minutes max. Usually you get killed before the end.

The problem with that particular game is that you're playing with real people online. It can also be played as a team game, so in some circumstances to pull out early would be dropping your team in it.

My 10 year old plays that

He begs to be allowed to finish his current battle if I tell him he needs to get shoes on/go to bed/do something because if you duck out mid battle too often you get barred and/or other people stop playing with you or some such nonsense To which I reply unsympathetically.

Your DH needs to get a grip. And as another poster has said, break the addiction.

Which is so much worse than leaving your own family to struggle

I...um...have a friend who plays it.

That was in reply to tiggy

Aww, don't let it spoil your evening.

He's just making it up saying it'd be rude to stop playing! Yeah, because the people he's playing with will be outraged at being fucked off while someone goes back into RL to do stuff for their DC wouldn't they??

I stop working ('live' online) if I'm needed with the DC, I'd ditch whatever I've got on to help out if it's needed, so I know what you're saying.

But (aside from the situation tonight) I'm just wondering whether he's having a harder time than he's letting on and either hasn't realised himself, or he's having difficulty talking about it to you?

Even though a lot of people see anyone gaming for a ridiculous amount of time as immature or a manchild, I honestly think that it points to other more serious shit they've got going on and desperately trying to avoid, and the fact that he won't acknowledge that it's causing a problem just backs that up IMO.

No game shouldn't have a 'pause' button. Any game that doesn't is obviously designed by adolescent wankers for other adolescent wankers.

You can't pause online games as a rule because you are playing with other people real time.

Still, he was being an arse.

I play games.

It's perfectly ok to say brb kids and go away for 5 minutes. Anything else is an issue with selfishness and priorities.

My DH is a gamer and he plays games that can't be paused.

When the DC are awake he will do things that means he can sit in station or can easily dock.

He is a ceo of the corp and he will always send back up if a member needs to deal with dc.

If that's the kind of game he's playing he should just play when they're in bed

Real life always takes precedent. End of.

YANBU. Your DH knew your approximate time of arrival so he should have stopped at an earlier convenient time. You had had the children all evening at the party, why should you, apart from anything else, have to spend an extra 5 minutes caring for the DCs before you got a break?